Post # 1
So tonight I came out and asked my friend what is going on with her as she only gives me one word answers when I ask her about her life and how she has shown zero interest in how I am doing or this big life event. Her response was “you have a belly, swollen feet and morning sickness, what else is there to know”. I kind of exploded that she dummed it out to that. She admitted even though we have a name picked out for our son she doesn’t know it even though everyone does we aren’t hiding it…she said she asked me a long time ago but I hadn’t decided yet, I told her his name has been picked for at least 3 months if not more so she never thought to re-ask, trying to show how little of a crap she has given and she said nope never thought to, shes not into kids, I should know that, if I wanted her to know I would have told her. I said if I told her she would either not reply with anything to me (texting convo as long distance relationship) or say ok and change the subject which is what she hs done this entire pregnancy.
She said she doesn’t know what I expect from her so I told her i just expect her to know basic things about this whole life event, like how this preganncy has been physically hard for me and the name of our child. She said fine but I have been a dissapointment of a friend to her as well. So she has come out and said she will not apologize to me until I apologize to her that I could have been a better friend to her.
How could I have been a better friend you may ask? According to her I haven’t been messaging her enough…but I pointed out I am usually the one who messages her…I ask her how stuff is goiung and I get one word answers that lead nowhere…I get “cool” “fine” “ok”. She said I am asking simple questions like how was your day, how is work which leads itself tp simple answers…to me hows it going, oh good this is whats happening…to her i have to ask more pointed questions.
I feel as though she is invesnting or exaggerating my slights against her in order to minimize her slights against me and not have to improve or offer an appropriate apology. I don’t know what to do I am just over it and shes coming to visit this weekend and stay at our house. She even said “i am an actions speak louder than words girl and I am spending money to com see you” I said actions do speak louder than words and your lack of giving a crap about this huge life event doesn’t get washed away by a 48 hour visit this weekend”. I didn’t get a response to that one.
I just don’y know what to do, she won’t apologize until I acknowledge all these slights against her which I don’t think I have done
Post # 2
- Wedding: September 2014 - Turf Valley
Why does anyone need to apologize? You each said your bit, now I’d do my best to move forward. She is coming to visit, and I think that’s a step in the right direction.
It sounds like you guys are just going tit for tat here. If she’s not interested in talking about your pregnancy, then she just plain isn’t interested and you shouldn’t bring it up again. You said your bit and she said hers. Now you should let it be water under the bridge and move on.
You already know what kind of person she is, and based on your last post, it doesn’t seem like she’s acting out of character with her responses.
Post # 3
missjewels: I think this is the problem with relationships that exist mainly by text message. It’s very hard to determine what the other person means and what they’re really thinking. One of my best friends lives overseas and it’s hard to keep up via text, although I’ve learned that one word answers usually mean somethings up/bugging her.
You say you think you’ve done nothing wrong, chances are she thinks she’s done nothing wrong. She told you she doesn’t want to hear about pregnancy and you’ve told her (albiet in small amounts) about your pregnancy and when she saw that coming by text she shut it down for fear you’d go on and on (perhaps other friends have). Perhaps she thought that her one word answers were enough for you to get the hint that something was bugging her, although she probably could have been more forthright she wasn’t.
I would suggest that you both put on your big girl pants, appologize to each other and move on.
Post # 4
I think maybe it’s time to let this relationship go. It’s only going to get more difficult once you actually have the baby. She’s on a different road in her life and that’s okay.
Post # 5
Well, it sounds like both of you think the other is wrong, and you have no part in the problem, and neither one of you cares enough about your friendship to just suck it up, apologize, and move forward.
Sounds like the friendship is over.
Post # 6
Cancel the visit and end the friendship. You’re not going to convince her to feel differently than she does. It’s a sad truth that people grow apart, and the two of you clearly have, and you’re never not going to be a mother… I don’t see how this can be at all a fulfilling relationship.
Post # 7
missjewels: I think this friendship is probably on its way out, and I don’t know if her visiting is such a good idea. I understand how she feels about not being extremely interested in pregnancy (as I am not interested in kids either), but this is a HUGE milestone in your life, and if she is truly your friend, she would find ways to respect that and get involved. It’s not like when you have your baby that your life will suddenly go back to how it was before…you will then be a mom forever and your child and SO will be your top priorities. How are you going to be real friends with someone who won’t even think to ask how your child is doing?
Post # 8
- Wedding: September 2013 - Ontario, Canada
I am sorry but your friend sounds incredibly selfcentered and childish. The world does not evolve around her and, in my opinion, a good friend is someone who cares about what is going on their friends lives. Having a baby is a massive life-changing event.
If you care about someone, you care and listen to their “stuff” not because it interests you, but because it’s important to them. Even if it’s the most boring thing you can think of.
It sounds to me like she is used to things being a certain way and you always being there for her and she is scared about the fact that that will change once the baby comes. Life evolves and changes and things can’t stay the same forever. I think the only thing you can do is either accept that the friendship has run its course, or try to explain to her that “yes, things are different since I got pregnant but I will still always be here for you if you need me and we can still hang out and do stuff, it might just take a bit more planning but that you can both make it work if you want to.”
Post # 9
missjewels: I had a friend like this, we eventually just stopped being friends. she was jealous of my pregnancy and the life I was creating for myself (having a husband, having a baby, etc). And I didn’t need that negative energy around me so I just left it at that. And we don’t really talk now, despite being good friends in high school. Sometimes as we get older we move on and change from the people we used to be and the people we were friends with no longer move in our circles, that’s just human nature.
Post # 10
While she is being childish and rude I think you need to either end the friendship or apologize. Not apologize for the whole thing being your fault or anything, but just to acknowledge that she felt hurt as well. Even if you feel you didn’t contribute to it, she obviously does.
She said she doesn’t know what I expect from her so I told her i just expect her to know basic things about this whole life event, like how this preganncy has been physically hard for me and the name of our child.
But she isn’t interested in kids. That’s the problem. She doesn’t WANT to know all about it. It probably feels to her like you’re trying to educate her or lecture her about stuff she wants nothing to do with.
It’s not wrong to want to talk about what’s going on with your life and your pregnancy. She should be excited for her friend even if it’s not her thing. But the mature thing to do, if you want to keep the friendship, is to acknowledge her feelings as well.
Post # 11
missjewels: there are many people who are not only completely uninterested in babies and kids, they are actually repulsed by pregnancy. I know people like this and they won’t even ask you how you are because they just don’t want to hear anything about it. You need to let go of this expectation you have of your friend and your need for an apology because she didn’t meet that expectation.
Post # 12
I’m going to kind of stick up for your friend here…
I really don’t like babies, and the whole idea of pregancy is sort of repulsive to me (sorry, not trying to be offesive, just being honest). It reminds me of the movie Alien and I can literally feel my lady parts backing up in horror when people get too into details. I’m not sure how old you guys are, but as I’ve aged (I’m about to be 30), I’ve managed to hide my disdain about stuff like that pretty well. None of my best friends have had children yet, but close family members have. I’ve managed to ask them how they’re feeling, listen to their response, and MOVE ON to different conversations because I REALLY DON’T WANT TO KNOW ABOUT GROSS BABY THINGS. haha.
Once the baby is born, I usually feel a bit different, it’s just that the whole idea of pregnancy skeeves me out. I had a coworker who sat next to me while she was pregnant, and ALL SHE DID was talk about how miserable the pregancy was. Everything had to do with that baby. Which is fine, but just not something I wanted to hear about 24/7.
If you want to salvage the friendship, I’d try to consider how often you’re really bringing up baby, even if its’ just in passing.
Post # 13
missjewels: First, the large majority of people do not reveal the name to friends and family ahead of time. Number two, she had already asked once, so so much for the accusation that she never wants to discuss anything pregnancy related. You didn’t need an engraved invitation, especially since many people would consider it rude to ask. If you wanted to tell her the name you should have.
She admits to not being into babies. OK, that’s a bit of self centered attitude since one doesn’t have to be into babies to care about a friend. Under normal circumstances, I can see being a bit hurt that she doesn’t know how rough this all has been on you, or follow up or care, but if the two of you never actually speak or visit one another, IMO you are expecting too much. A text message friendship does not a relationship make.
Your last comment was rude, uncalled for and not constructive. I wouldn’t be at all surprised if she cancels the trip. If you care at all you need to apologize for that remark immediately.
Post # 14
I’m just wondering how this visit is going to go if your friend doesn’t want to know anything about your pregnancy or you son!! I feel like you should cancel the visit bc she will just be disappointed that you can’t do things she wants to and probably won’t want to hear that you can’t because well you’re pregnant!!! Even if she doesn’t like kids she likes you, or used to at least. She should attempt to at least ask you how you are and if you are sick bc you’re pregnant she shouldn’t tell you she doesn’t want to hear it. It really sounds like this friendship is over. It would be hard to continue it after the baby if she dislikes kids so much…
Post # 15
It is one thing to not be in to kids, but it is another to just ignore your friend completely. As a lot of us said in the other thread your child is going to be a main part of your life. How do you plan to talk to your friend ever if she just doesn’t want to hear it?
Honestly, I can see how you both have failed at being a good friend, but I think that’s because your lives are too different. If it were me, I’d see no friendship to salvage and would find it incredibly awkward to have my friend come for a weekend if we aren’t on good terms. And especially if she is like, “I’m not apologizing until you do.” Seems childish.