Weddingbee boards

We actually ended up going over to his parents' house to "talk" about things last week.  It happened before we could send the email.  It was not what we wanted to do, but his dad called us and threatened to withhold feeding our dog while we were out of town, unless we did this.  Nice, huh?  He asked his dad to do it as a last resort because everyone else we knew was busy and it was only for 1 night, and his dad first agreed no problem.  Then, literally as we were leaving town, his dad called and threw it in our faces that we are being selfish and cruel to his mom, and he we need to fix the situation and agree to come over to talk, otherwise he won't take care of the dog for 1 NIGHT.  Might as well be using our kids as pawns!

When we went over there to talk to his mom, his dad and sister were there too.  Turns out, they are just as unhappy with us as his mom, but they've been lying to our faces all along about it just being his mom who has the issues.  I made another recent post about Disrespecting Our Guests, which stemmed entirely from the conversation we had with his family.  They didn't address us as a couple, it was all directed at ME, because they all obviously think every decision we made came from me.  Even when my husband tried to speak up and say something, his dad would cut him off and say "No, what do YOU have to say about this?"--to me. 

I am not good in confrontational situations, and I had a very hard time talking about how I felt, and it became even harder when everything I said was countered with "That didn't happen" or "You haven't been trying hard enough."  My husband tried to explain to his family that they haven't worked very hard at making me feel comfortable in their home, and his sister chimed in that maybe we shouldn't have blindsided them with our engagement (we were together 9 months, and they knew me, and they all made comments about us getting married before our engagement) and we should have taken their feelings into consideration before we started planning this wedding, and his dad said they are plenty open, it must be a problem that I have with not trying hard enough. He also stated that they have been waiting for the wedding to pass so they can see the real me, because they don't like the person they have seen up to this point and they don't think it is the real me.  That felt like a stab in the heart, because they HAVE been seeing the real me! 

It came to the point where I couldn't say anything, because they obviously just wanted to say everything THEY thought to make themselves feel better so they could move on.  Literally everything I said was denied, countered, or not considered important. I knew then that it didn't matter what I said, they were not listening, nor would they ever listen.  At the end, they said they felt we could all move on and "forgive and forget" because they had everything out in the open.  My husband and I left, we discussed between ourselves everything that was wrong with the whole night.  We are on the same page about it, but it is obviously coming down to us just moving past this and pretending nothing is wrong, which is very hard to do. But we know that bringing anything up about our feelings at this point will not make any difference. 

The most hurtful part to me was knowing that they weren't saying any of that to hurt me, it was truly how they felt.  They truly do NOT like me as a person, as evidenced by my FIL's comments. And obviously none of this was supported by any of his immediate family, even though his dad and sister had just been placing the blame on his mom, who was at least willing to tell us how she felt.  After all of this crap, I feel better about his mom, but worse about everyone else, if that is possible.

But at the same time, I do feel better that everything is out in the open and knowing that there is absolutely NOTHING else we can do.  We truly know now that we haven't done anything wrong, we will never be able to make them happy, and somehow that brings us an odd feeling of peace.  At least we know where we stand with everyone involved, and we know how to proceed forward from here.

((((hugs))))

I am so sorry! What a horrible experience for you! I think you're right, it doesn't sound like you can win with people like this. I have gotten the "you don't/didn't try hard enough" accusation from passive aggressive arseholes before and it is utterly infuriating. What does it even mean? How do you possibly counter it? If you do something, it is the wrong thing, if you don't do something, you're not "trying". They have totally set you up here. If you (completely understandably) don't want to spend much time with these awful people who just took you apart, they will accuse you of trying to isolate your husband from his "loving" family.

I'm glad you know it's them and absolutely not you, but it still sucks to be stuck with in-laws like this. I wish you the best of luck getting through the family events you can't avoid without choking someone.

@MrsMarzipan: My husband was doing the same thing I was, sitting and listening.  His opinion was not welcomed from the start, because they viewed the whole problem as being associated with ME, not US.  His dad actually had told him the previous day that he felt the meeting needed to have just me present.  3 on 1 sure seems fair, huh?  My husband told him absolutely not, no way is that happening because this is between US and THEM.  We knew if we got up and left, we would only be exacerbating the situation, and then we truly would be the "bad guys." We figured the best plan of action would be to let them get everything off their chest so they can move on, and then we can act (or react) accordingly. 

@fontgoddess: Exactly! If I don't go over there, or if we opt to not include ourselves in some family event, I am only making it worse and giving them more reason to dislike me.  I know now that everything I say or do will be judged accordingly, and it will be best for everyone involved if I just "fake it."  It's looking like someone has to be the adult and bigger person in the situation, and that needs to be me and my husband.  Silly isn't it, that the youngest people in the situation have a more mature and rational reaction than the "grown ups"?

Sounds like you and your husband are making the best of a very bad situation.  Hopefully in the years to come, seeing you happy together, your ILs will realize how wrong they were about you and about all the ridiculous things they've said.  Happines is the best revenge.

Hugs to you both.

@mishelleez: Our vet doesn't do boarding, and we agreed that we won't be relying on his family to take care of our animals when we're gone EVER again.  Neither of us appreciated the manipulation.  We both have a lot of family in the area, and this was kind of a last minute overnight trip, hence the scramble, but we have a list going of other people we can ask! 

@pendola: We haven't spoken to them since last week.  We see a drastic decline of our involvement with them in our future.  They made it very clear last week that they aren't going to be the ones to invite us over anymore for anything, and we definitely aren't going to invite ourselves over, so I think there will be a pretty low amount of contact for awhile. 

@Arachna: Anything I say at this point will be seen as an attack.  I don't see the point of further inciting their negative feelings, and since they already know my feelings (even if they weren't acknowledging them, I put them out there) I feel that if I keep dwelling on the hurts it will only exacerbate the situation, and it definitely won't make me feel better. My husband and I both agree that their actions are not okay, and as long as I have his support and understanding I know we can make it through this. 

@5292010:

So, they manipulate you into coming over, then sit you down and tell you that you're a horrible person, and expect you to feel better about it?  Wow.  Real winners. 

Your reaction is more mature than mine would have been!  :) 

@MacFaniam24:  We do live very close to our families (both sides) and it is a VERY rural, small community.  Recently, we have discussed moving out of state; not only to remove ourselves from this situation, but to help assert ourselves as a married couple...not just our parents' children who got married.  I feel like his family has a very hard time seeing him as an adult who is married and going to start his own family.  We both feel that moving out of state might be our best option in the future...we just need to find a way to make it work with our jobs and such :)

I read your other post and this update is so sad ! What kind of miserable, self-centered, hurtful people are they? How are you supposed to go to family functions and hug everyone hello, etc? Never mind that, how you can you even bare to see their despicable faces? I'm sorry, I'm just so mad for you ! And are you happy with the way your husband handled it? I would have possibly wanted him to defend me a bit more :(

@Bee-gotten:  I'm happy with the way my husband handled things. I know this is a very difficult situation for him to deal with, because his family has never been this upset with him.  He feels caught in the middle, because they are obviously looking for him to side with them and change his mind about our decisions, and I am obviously looking for him to side with me and support our mutual decisions.  It feels like one big power struggle, which is totally NOT how I roll.  To this day, he has supported me and stuck to our decisions, which is enough for me.  I can't imagine how I would feel if the situation between the two of us was reversed and we were dealing with MY family. 

@Moderndaisy: I honestly don't think there is a way that I can be accepted how I am.  I have done a lot of soul-searching on this, and I feel that I am the best version of myself that I can possibly be and I have worked hard to show them that person.  If they can't see it, if not just for the sake of their son's happiness, there's not much more I can do.  My husband and I so far have done all of the compromising with his family, and received none in return.  We are not acting out of spite, we honestly would like a good relationship with his family, but we have realized that we cannot make them happy by being ourselves.  They have an entirely different view of how I should be, in their minds, and I just don't fit the bill I guess.

@Jenn23: I have said all I can say at this point to counter them, and it has been to no avail.  This has been going on for nearly a year, and has not changed, but that is not because we haven't said anything...we have said our pieces throughout the past year, and nothing has changed.  But if we waited for an apology (that we deserve) I think we'd be waiting for a very long time :)  I don't think they are ever going to grow up, or see anything from another perspective...so the "change" or as I like to call it "faking it" will have to come from us.

@Arachna: Ahhh yes, that is a tactic we are currently employing :)

I'm so sorry to hear about this. I can understand to a certain degree but in the opposite way. My father does not like my husband and every decision we've made that my father doesn't like (even insignificant things like the music we chose for the wedding), he blames my husband. This has been going on since our wedding last year. I've defended my husband and have told my father that every decision is mutual several times, but he refuses to listen. It makes me so angry that my father will not acknowledge my involvement in decisions and that he keeps attacking my husband.

I can definitely understand this from your husband's point of view (if I'm wrong, please correct me). It's difficult to be in the middle. I've actually cut off contact with my father because of this. I hope you and your husband can figure out a solution to this difficult situation, and it doesn't have to come to the same decisions I've had to make. There are other reasons behind our estrangement, but it didn't make the decision any easier.

I wish you the best of luck in this situation.

@Superstitions:  That is exactly what I don't want to have happen with my husband.  I don't want him to be caught in the middle, even though I know he supports me and agrees with me on how poorly they have been treating us.  It is his family, after all, and I'm not so sure I could just cut off my family if the situations were reversed.  Thank you for sharing your experience...it's nice to hear it from the other side!

@MacFaniam24:  My husband and I were raised in the same small town, our parents have been friends for years, and we had remarkably similar upbringings.  We both left, did our own thing for awhile, and are now living back in our hometown.  Honestly, I am a very tolerant, very kind, well-liked person, who does not like to rock the boat.  I am secure enough with who I am to acknowledge my positive attributes, but I am not pushy or offensive to anyone.  In no way am I a person who "shouldn't" fit in with their family.  Having said that I am secure with myself as a person and I am happy with who I am, I have also never felt as insecure about myself as they have made me feel in the past 4 weeks.  And to me, that is one of the worst parts of this situation. 

@JessicaL: They feel that I am controlling the actions and behaviors of my husband.  They honestly don't know me well enough to feel that way, but I think it is their way of coping with the situation.  And they have never actually said they don't like me, they just dance around the subject in a passive-aggressive way.  A little history is that prior to dating me, my husband didn't have any serious girlfriends and never made time for girlfriends in his life. He was all work, all the time, and liked it that way.  But when we fell in love (rather quickly) he suddenly shifted his priorities and spent only 12 hours at work instead of the 18 hours he used to.  He decided to NOT work weekends because he would rather spend time with me.  His parents have told him on more than one occasion that they just don't feel like they know him anymore because of the changes he has shown after being with me.  He has told them that those are because his priorities have shifted and he is happier this way, but they think it is because I made him do it.

@rlsulli1598@verizon.net:  Not seeing them and not speaking to them really isn't an option.  I mean, I guess it is, but it will be much more unpleasant in the long run.  Small town doesn't begin to cover how rural this place is...and I see a member of his family at least once every other day. I'd rather we be on tolerating-each-other terms than anything.

@maureen9004: He has already spoken to his mom and dad without me there. That has happened many times in the past 11 months and it didnt make a bit of difference.  They have put on a nice pretend face when I'm around up until this point.  They insisted that we have the meeting with all of us because they feel I am the root of the hurt feelings (not that it is my fault, but it all stems from me being around).  His family isn't the kind to take his words to heart and actually change their behaviors.  They follow the belief of "if you don't understand it our way, you are wrong."  They truly do not think they have done anything wrong, and no amount of confrontation is going to make them think otherwise. Unfortunately.

I can't say much to help, but isn't it amazing how vocal and powerful they feel and act when there are three of them ganged up on one of you?

I would just write them off.  You can pick your friends, but not your family (including in-laws).  And you can also pick who you spend time with, and life is too short to spend time with losers like them.  Losers who like to ambush and gang up on someone who has just joined their family.

Stay strong :) <3