Post # 1
Hi Bees. Thank you again to all of you who responded to my last post. I have done a lot of thinking, soul searching, and crying over the last week or so since I first posted. I did see my therapist the other day. I have been seeing her for about three years to work on some other issues that I have had since well before meeting my FI. After telling her everything, she asked me what I felt I should do. I said that I have to end my relationship with FI. I cannot continue to live a lie. Even if I tried to make things work with him, I’d still be hiding this huge secret. And who knows if and when it would come out, and then what? I basically made my choice when I started becoming interested in the other guy.
Then the therapist pointed something out. She said that in all the time I had been seeing her I never expressed that I was happy in my relationship with FI. She said I spoke about him fondly but not like a woman in love speaks of her man. To her, it sounded like I was speaking more about a best friend or a close relative who I loved dearly but in platonic way. She then told me that she always had felt I settled for my FI because he is a good guy, because he treats me well, because he wouldn’t do what my father did. I latched onto him because he is safe. Not because I was in love. I told her that I thought I was in love, but now… I see it differently.
It is going to be the most difficult thing I have ever done telling FI I need to leave the relationship. However, in my heart I know it is the best thing for the both of us. He deserves to find a woman who can love him the way I don’t seem to be able to, who will be true to him and will equally return the love he gives to her. I know this will send his world crashing down, though. See, his world revolves around our relationship. He constantly says stuff like “I’d be lost without you” or “My life only has meaning because of you” or “I only succeed in work and school because of you”. These kind of comments always bothered me; they do far more now. He is young (25), he is handsome, he is caring. I know he’ll be fine eventually. But I am his first love, his first real relationship so I also know that he may not feel like he will be fine. I remember my first heartbreak and I thought I was never going to heal. But I did.
As for the other guy, I am not going to jump right into a relationship with him. I have FAR too much other crap and issues to deal with. I know I have to heal myself first before I can try to be with someone. I didn’t do that before I started dating FI. I thought our relationship would fix everything for me. That was my first mistake.
Post # 3
Hope things work out for you.
Post # 4
Good luck with everything 🙂
Post # 5
i think you are making the best decision given the circumstances. i hope you find what you are looking for and i am glad youre not settling.
Post # 6
You have a very tough thing to do, but you are a good woman to recognize this is necessary. I also think it’s very wise of you to not jump right into another relationship with this man, but to take the time you need to heal first.
Don’t beat yourself up over it, you have to do what is right for you.
Post # 7
Leaving your FI is actually a gift to him. He won’t feel that way at first and probably for a very long time but I admire your courage and your desire to see him happy. You will find happiness too. But I don’t know if it’s with this new guy or not. I’m glad you are not pursuing that for now. Try to smile 🙂
Post # 8
I will be sending warm thoughts your way over the coming days. What are you doing isn’t easy, but you know what is right for you, no one else does.
Post # 9
@ItalianLady: I totally agree with your comment.
Post # 11
Thank you, Bees! I shall be sure you let you all know how it goes. It is terrifying, to say the very least. I am not confrontational by nature (which is probably why I didn’t deal with all this stuff LONG ago) so it’s going to be very difficult for me to do. However, I cannot justifying staying with FI just because he treats me well and loves me. That isn’t fair at all to him. Besides the other guy issue, there are things about me, about my past and the things I need to work on personally, that I haven’t been comfortable confiding in him. He takes things very personally and when I tried once before he took it as a sign that he isn’t good enough or doing enough. That just caused me to completely shut down. So basically I have many secrets in my heart. =( I try to remind myself that I am not a bad person, I just made some very bad choices. And now I need to do the right thing for both of us, as painful and challenging as it will be. Thank you again for all your well-wishes and kind words.
Post # 13
Remember, you’re not alone! I think you’re making the right choice, and I’ll be rooting for you!
Post # 14
I’m happy that you have made a decision. You must feel some relief. Yes, things will be hard for him and for you initially, but eventually both of you will meet someone who will let you know what “being in love” is supposed to feel like. Good luck and try not to be too hard on yourself. “HUGS”
Post # 15
I hope the best for you. At first it will be real hard but time really does heal. Good luck.
Post # 16
I really wish you all the best luck dealing with this difficult situation. I once had a boyfriend who threatened to commit suicide after I broke up with him, so I know how it feels having someone who feels like you are literally the only sunshine in their life. It was very hard (and I did end up getting back with him for a time), but you will both be better once you are through it.
Can I ask though, why did your therapist never mention her observations to you in the past? I would think that is an important thing to think through or have brought to your attention for you to process, so why did she never point it out to you before?