(Closed) Update to "My Husband is a Jerk"

posted 4 years ago in Relationships
Post # 4
Member
850 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: June 2013

@mrshunnybunches: This is really crappy. I’m sorry you are going through this. It sounds like he has big emotional issues that need some serious time and effort to work through. It’s more than a spouse can bear. I do think you should talk this over with a counselor, whether he comes with you or not. You deserve someone who will listen to you and help your advocate for yourself. 

I don’t know what the steps are as far as moving towards divorce, but I’m sure many other Bees will have good advice. 

 

Post # 5
Member
7085 posts
Busy Beekeeper
  • Wedding: June 2013

I don’t have any advice but I just wanted to tell you I know what it feels like to not have that emotional support. Fortunately FI and I have had a couple counseling sessions and we’ve been able to work a lot of it out. If FI had not agreed to counseling I would have left him because I would not have done well never having the emotional support that I need. I do agree with a PP that you could try to speak to a counselor on your own. However, if nothing comes of that you should leave. I saw on your other post that you are worried about breaking your vow but I think your happiness is more important than that vow.

Hugs to you and I hope someone is able to give you some more advice.

Post # 6
Member
533 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: June 2013

I’m really sorry you are going through this. I don’t have any advice regarding divorce, but I really think you are doing the right thing. It would be one thing if he was committed to changing and going to counseling, but there is not much you can do when he is not doing that.

Post # 7
Member
9920 posts
Buzzing Beekeeper
  • Wedding: June 2013

Ok.  So my fiance is not naturally good at “dealing with emotions”.  We have talked about it a million times, and now when I am upset, I say things like, “I am upset right now and what I need is a hug and for you to say it will be okay.”  And then he basically does what I ask, and is able to start being more supportive on his own.  He sometimes needs help with an “in”.  If I stand there and freak out about something, he is not always able to do what I need without prompting.  

 

If your husband is saying he does not know how to do something, your response should not be to accuse him of something hurtful, but rather to explain what you need.  That’s actually constructive; your comment wasn’t really helpful to the situation.

Post # 8
Member
9147 posts
Buzzing Beekeeper
  • Wedding: November 2013 - St. Augustine Beach, FL

@mrshunnybunches:  If you have already made your mind up, absolutely talk to an attorney before sitting him down.  They can advise you on how to handle the separation and how to protect yourself before, during, and after the divorce.

I am so sorry.  I know from personal experience that a divorce is not the easy choice.  No matter what, protect yourself first.

After speaking to the attorney, make sure to let a trusted friend and/or family member in on what is going on so they can help you through the process.  This was the hardest part for me because I found getting divorced to be extremely embarassing, especially since I had only been married for just shy of 3 years.  However, my mom was my crutch and she came down immediately and boxed up my personal things and put them into storage so my ex couldn’t use them for leverage in the divorce.

After a week I ended up at my doctor’s office with stress induced anxiety and depression.  He was kind and prescribed me Zoloft for the depression and Xanax for the panic attacks.  He also prescribed me Ambien to help me sleep (even though it did nothing for me.)  I couldn’t eat or sleep and ended up losing a lot of weight and looking like a zombie most of the time.  The divorce process sucked.

It wasn’t until 3 months later that I finally began to feel normal and weaned off the Zoloft because it made me feel numb and emotionless.  I started saying “yes” to everything that wasn’t illegal or going to result in me being maimed or killed.  Slowly, I became a new person and even though it hurt like hell to get there, I really liked who I became after my divorce.

Please PM me if you need anything or just someone to commiserate with.

Post # 9
Member
11760 posts
Sugar Beekeeper
  • Wedding: November 1999

So sorry you are going through this.  Since he doesn’t want to go to counseling, I don’t see what other options are left other than for you to just deal with it, which I don’t think you should have to. If I were you, I’d definitely be on my way out.

Post # 10
Member
1194 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: February 2014

@mrshunnybunches:  It sounds like he really isn’t interested in improving himself.  I have a more negative view towards therapy than most (previous experience) and if my husband said we needed to go in order to make our marriage work, I’d be there with bells on.

He’s telling you who he is.  I don’t think you’re wrong for seeing that and not wanting a part of it.  

First, I’d get a handle on my finances.  Separate accounts, ensure he has no access to any debit/credit cards, etc.  I’d contact an attorney and figure out my living arrangements.  

I’m sorry this is happening to you, but honestly, I’m glad you’re seeing it for what it is and making the choice to do what’s right for you rather than sit around waiting indefinitely for him to magically change.  *hugs*

Post # 11
Member
526 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: March 2014

@mrshunnybunches:  I read your previous post about your husband, and it does sound like he’s kind of a jerk.  I too married a guy whom I also did not know very well, and (predictably) it didn’t work out.  But I’ve gotta say, divorce is hard.  Really hard.  Even when it’s the right thing to do.  And I was doing it while I was doing part-time law school and working full-time.  All of it almost killed me.  If you’re certain that nothing will be able to save your marriage, that he wouldn’t go to counseling even if you say, “Counseling or divorce,” that you take steps toward making that happen as soon as you can…because you do NOT want to have to go through law school and a divorce at the same time.  It’s the worst.

 

Post # 12
Member
2381 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: June 2014

I’ve read your previous post, and I’d be very concerned that now that he’s managed to completely isolate himself, that he’s trying to isolate you as well.  That combined with his refusal to see a professional is just not healthy.

Talk to an attorney.  If you don’t have any mutual property (house or car) or children, it should be relatively quick and not ridiculously expensive.  Because property laws vary from state, it would be better to talk to an attorney before talking to your husband, that way you’ll know you’re protected financially. 

If you haven’t done so, talk to your BFF or your mom, siblings, someone you trust.  It’s so hard to admit that things have gone so wrong, but you will need that support.  You’re under a lot of stress already, and they will be there for you.

Post # 13
Member
1431 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: March 2015

@mrshunnybunches:  I think your husband is dragging you down, in all sorts of ways, and it’s time for you to be free and follow your dreams (of law school and beyond).  He’s obviously the problem here – he pushes people away and refuses to get help for it – and now he is doing the same to you.  It seems like you’re relatively young too so it’s better to walk away now.  Besides talking to an attorney, I’d suggest separating your finances or at least making sure that you have your own account from which you have the means to pay your expenses.  I assume that you will move out once you tell him that you want a divorce so make sure that you have a place to stay.  Good luck!

Post # 14
Member
11242 posts
Sugar Beekeeper
  • Wedding: August 2013

@stuckinwonderland:  This is great advice. I remember your original post, OP, and I’m sorry that things have not changed. 

@MariContrary:  If you haven’t done so, talk to your BFF or your mom, siblings, someone you trust.  It’s so hard to admit that things have gone so wrong, but you will need that support.  You’re under a lot of stress already, and they will be there for you.

YES, absolutely. When I had finally steeled my resolve to leave my ex, I WISH I had spoken to someone. I wish I’d had the support of another person, someone I could stay with and who could help me out when I went through that. Unfortunately, I basically went through it alone–I went from an abusive and codependent relationship to starting over, while working and going to school. I cried every night for weeks because I couldn’t handle it alone. But I had to, and I did.

<3

Post # 15
Member
339 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: May 2012

It’s hard for me to understand how this didn’t come up before you were getting married. Why did you marry him? What were those things that drew you to him in the first place? There must have been reasons. Try to find those again.

I am all for leaving absuive relationships, but this doesn’t sound like its abuse. Once you marry someone, you did make a iifelong commitment to him. I really think that what you have isn’t grounds for divorce. It sounds like he has admitted he has shortcomings. I think you can work through it. Perhaps you need to just be 100% straight with him about how you are feeling. It may spur him on to change his behavior. If you say you are considering ending the relationship and he is still unwilling to do anything about it, then maybe that is time to start considering divorce.

Sorry for the struggle this has become for you 🙁 I can empathize with a lot of what you are saying, but thankfully my husband and I have been able to work it out so far. I think there is hope for you, too.

Post # 16
Member
9920 posts
Buzzing Beekeeper
  • Wedding: June 2013

OP, are you still around?  I’m interested to hear your response to what I wrote.

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