Weddingbee boards

Yesterday I wrote a post about how I was upset and uncomfortable about my finance getting a lap dance Party...http://boards.weddingbee.com/topic/strippers-at-my-mans-bachelor-party. A short recap, I could not stop thinking about a naked girl being on top of him and I was sorta "obsessing" about it. My fiance then wrote an extremely sweet note and I had started to feel A LOT BETTER!

Well, around 4pm yesterday it had been revealed that he didn't have 1 lap dance but 6. It was also revealed that he was brought on stage, and whipped several times. It was like shock all over again. I felt really hurt, again, got really upset, again and really uncomfortable, again. I left work early because I couldn't even focus on work! Well Fiance came home and we had a long talk about it. I told him that I am going to do my best to get over it, but he needs to be patient with me because it won't just happened over night. Then right before we are going to bed, Fiance and I are putting on our pajamas, and fiance has HUGE BLACK AND BLUE marks all over his ass. I said, to FI "what in the world happened to you?!?" He said ugh, it was paintball. I said no way, those marks are huge, painteball bruises are more concentrated. I said they have to be from the stripe club and he agreed. I then said, "They must have pulled down your pants to bruise you that badly, and they said they did." So now, I have this permanent image of my future husband whom I am marrying in 2 WEEKS on all fours, with his pants down getting whipped by strippers.

I could DEAL with the lap dances, it sucked to hear about those but I was getting over it. I'm sorry but I really feel like this crossed a line! I was crying something aweful and very upset. I asked him, how would you feel if I lifted up my shirt or pulled down my pants at a strip club and had strippers "whip" me so hard that I have marks on my body. He said, "I would be furious." Bees, I really don't know what to do. I spendt about an hour crying, then he spendt an hour crying. He said he wished he could take it all back...I know he regrets it but the point of the matter is what done is done. I need to recognize whether or not I CAN or CANNOT get over it. I feel like my heart broke a little last night, I just don't know what to do. I know I can be over sensitive but...I just dont know...Fiance said he's willing to do anything. I told him we may need to talk to a counselor or something, I don't know. We're keeping all options open at this point.

@laureldavid74: Wow. Your respone is way out of line. Not to mention totally impractical. I hope you and your husband are perfect if something like this is really enough to make you jump ship on a marriage.

@Charbirdie: First of all, your wedding is NOT ruined. And getting out of control at a strip club does not put him on equal ground with men who beat their wives. He effed up, yes. You are upset, yes. He knows you are upset and clearly feels badly so I say let him feel badly. I think it's unfair to continue to throw this in his face, but a cold shoulder and some time in the doghouse will probably suffice. But if you plan to marry this man you're going to have to let it go eventually - preferably before your wedding.

@KitKatNYC: Exactly. I highly doubt there was anything sensual about having this done in front of a bunch of laughing friends. Embarassing, yes. Did his guy friends think it was hilarious? Absolutely. But I can guarantee you it was in now way some sort of "special moment" between him and a stripper. He has bruises for goodness sake! Ouch! Honestly, I almost feel bad for him.

I'm so sorry you're going through this; I cannot even imagine *hugs*

I think counseling would be good for several reasons but I also think that whoever was present at that bachelor party needs to be put in their freaking place. Especially if they are groomsmen who are going to stand up there with you and support you two as a couple, because they did the EXACT opposite that night.

Now, I'm not condoning what your fiance let happen and I believe he should own up to the fact that he did not say no and respect the boundaries in the relationship. However, I find it very unlikely that it was his decision to have this happen and it was probably the consequence of alcohol, other men who think bachelor parties are an excuse to do anything, and peer pressure. But - he still should have said no, recognized the situation was out of hand, and acted accordingly. Counseling could help him be able to do this and also to emphasize that you two are getting married, you are part of a unit, and what he does no longer effects only him.

The other problem is that he did not come clean with everything that happened initially. The lying is just as heartbreaking as everything else in this situation and that needs to be addressed as well.

I'm so sorry this is happening so close to your wedding :( Honestly, I don't think it's a dealbreaker but it should serve as a HUGE wake up call to your FI on how to behave like a committed man and how to say no to his friends.

@cherryshake: I am truly shocked that someone would be willing to tell someone else that they think this is worth throwing their relationship away over/cancelling a wedding for. It's an uncomfortable situation, but certainly not a deal breaker.

I think that if something like this can create THAT big of an impact on what is supposed to be a lifelong partnership you might want to re-think what marriage means to you. There will be ups and downs throughout a marriage, and in my opinion this is a rather minor "down' in the whole big scheme of things.

You already have a lot of good advice. I definitely agree with you (and others) that counseling is absolutely necessary and could help a lot.

Just wanted to tell you how sorry I am that this is happening to you. My heart truly goes out to you. AND I think you are such a wonderful person for sharing your story so that other girls who might otherwise be fine with strip club bachelor events will think about having a very specific conversation with their FI beforehand about where the line is. I know I always tend to think the best of my FI and trust him wholeheartedly..but your story reminds me of what my parents used to tell me when I was in highschool: "we love and trust YOU but not other peoples' kids" (in this case, FI's friends).

[hugs]

I don't think anybody can tell you what to do...get married, don't get married...it's up to you.  I will say that if this is something you cannot get over then you should definitely not get married.  You know the true character of your fiancé so you need to look at that.  Is this the type of person he usually is?  Or did he really screw up because he had a bunch of guys around him?  If you don't think you're going to get past this and you'll constantly be thinking about it into your marriage and possibly then hold it over his head day after day then do not marry him.  I think you really just need to step back, evaluate what kind of person he is and if this was true to his character. Hopefully that made sense!