Post # 1
Yesterday I wrote a post about how I was upset and uncomfortable about my finance getting a lap dance Party…http://boards.weddingbee.com/topic/strippers-at-my-mans-bachelor-party. A short recap, I could not stop thinking about a naked girl being on top of him and I was sorta “obsessing” about it. My fiance then wrote an extremely sweet note and I had started to feel A LOT BETTER!
Well, around 4pm yesterday it had been revealed that he didn’t have 1 lap dance but 6. It was also revealed that he was brought on stage, and whipped several times. It was like shock all over again. I felt really hurt, again, got really upset, again and really uncomfortable, again. I left work early because I couldn’t even focus on work! Well Fiance came home and we had a long talk about it. I told him that I am going to do my best to get over it, but he needs to be patient with me because it won’t just happened over night. Then right before we are going to bed, Fiance and I are putting on our pajamas, and fiance has HUGE BLACK AND BLUE marks all over his ass. I said, to FI “what in the world happened to you?!?” He said ugh, it was paintball. I said no way, those marks are huge, painteball bruises are more concentrated. I said they have to be from the stripe club and he agreed. I then said, “They must have pulled down your pants to bruise you that badly, and they said they did.” So now, I have this permanent image of my future husband whom I am marrying in 2 WEEKS on all fours, with his pants down getting whipped by strippers.
I could DEAL with the lap dances, it sucked to hear about those but I was getting over it. I’m sorry but I really feel like this crossed a line! I was crying something aweful and very upset. I asked him, how would you feel if I lifted up my shirt or pulled down my pants at a strip club and had strippers “whip” me so hard that I have marks on my body. He said, “I would be furious.” Bees, I really don’t know what to do. I spendt about an hour crying, then he spendt an hour crying. He said he wished he could take it all back…I know he regrets it but the point of the matter is what done is done. I need to recognize whether or not I CAN or CANNOT get over it. I feel like my heart broke a little last night, I just don’t know what to do. I know I can be over sensitive but…I just dont know…Fiance said he’s willing to do anything. I told him we may need to talk to a counselor or something, I don’t know. We’re keeping all options open at this point.
Post # 3
I am so sorry this happened to you. I know I would leave him. But, I also know that a lot of girls forgive their guy. He has ruined your wedding and that is sad. I actually consider this worse than cheating because it comes at a time when he is supposed to be showing his commitment to you, and because I can’t imagine how embarrassed and foolish I would feel at the altar, as his friends remember the night. What could be they thinking as you say your vows? He made a fool of both of you.
I don’t doubt that he loves you. He asked you to marry him. But, this is such a selfish and disrespectful way to act. It just seems like a bad sign. Men who beat their wives or cheat on them often love them. That doesn’t make them good husbands.
I know that there will be people who come here and say that I am not being supportive. I am not at all a mean person, but I just can’t see how whitewashing this type of behavior helps women make the right decision.
Again, I am so, so sorry.
Post # 4
@laureldavid74: Wow. Your respone is way out of line. Not to mention totally impractical. I hope you and your husband are perfect if something like this is really enough to make you jump ship on a marriage.
@Charbirdie: First of all, your wedding is NOT ruined. And getting out of control at a strip club does not put him on equal ground with men who beat their wives. He effed up, yes. You are upset, yes. He knows you are upset and clearly feels badly so I say let him feel badly. I think it’s unfair to continue to throw this in his face, but a cold shoulder and some time in the doghouse will probably suffice. But if you plan to marry this man you’re going to have to let it go eventually – preferably before your wedding.
Post # 5
@Dollygold: why should laureldavid not voice her opinion on the matter? The Op asked for personal opinions about the situation, and this happens to be hers. I don’t think it’s about perfection, but I have to say I agree that I would not find this behaviour acceptable, and would probably call off the wedding (at the very least). It is a major breach of trust – when I think of stag nights in strip clubs I envisage dancing girls, possibly private dances, but certainly not my FI on his knees getting spanked (hard enough to leave considerable bruising) on his naked behind. Whether it’s humiliating to her or him or both, she trusted him to act in a way that would not be upsetting to her, and respect certain boundaries, and by the sounds of it he really let her down in this way. It’s good that he has shown remorse now, but I think she should really think twice about getting hitched to a guy who has shown so little consideration for her feelings. Just to tell her to ‘suck it up’ punish him and then get over it pronto by letting go is ridiculous and surely a recipe for permanent unhappiness.
Post # 6
You must be really upset, and it sucks to have all this extra stress right before your wedding. But I think maybe you should consider that at bachelor parties, a lot of guys think it is a time to get wild and crazy and have fun – and those guys may not have been your FI. His friends probably paid a lot of money to have him on stage for their own amusement. And it was probably really embarassing and crazy for your FI, not a moment of shared intimacy with another lady.
Post # 7
First of all, the OP does not “have” to marry this guy in 2 weeks. Postponing or calling off a wedding is a huge pia & will cost money, but it’s much better than a divorce.
I think counseling is absolutely essential as well.
I’d say, take the wedding pressure off first, then deal with the relationship issues.
Post # 8
@KitKatNYC: Exactly. I highly doubt there was anything sensual about having this done in front of a bunch of laughing friends. Embarassing, yes. Did his guy friends think it was hilarious? Absolutely. But I can guarantee you it was in now way some sort of “special moment” between him and a stripper. He has bruises for goodness sake! Ouch! Honestly, I almost feel bad for him.
Post # 9
Firstly, your wedding is not ruined!!!!! AND this isnt worse then cheating. Im pretty sure you would be more upset to find out he SLEPT with the girl on stage. Although i am sure laureldavid74 was just trying to be constructive i think she just added more fuel to a fire that needs to calm down a bit.
Firstly….you need to calm down. You are so upset, with every single freakin right TO BE!! I would be as well. I dont know about you but when i get upset im almost like a tornadoe and it builds and builds and then i start thinkgina dn questioning and it just snow balls and gets out of control. I think even putting this on weddingbee and getting it out there was one way of taking this down a notch.
You are really upset, and its fair. but you FI seems really upset about it to. I deffinitly think you guys should seek some pre-marital counselling before you proceed with the wedding. What bothers me the most is that he told you about one lap dance, YOU found out about the SIX and then YOU found out about the bruises..he just never really came “clean” about everything that happened until you found out. Is there anything else?
As other PPs said here, BPs get out of control and your FI didnt kiss or sleep with anyone but he obviously did something that made you upset (and im sure he KNEW it would make you upset) I would go talk to someone ASAP and get another perspective on it.
Post # 10
I’m so sorry you’re going through this; I cannot even imagine *hugs*
I think counseling would be good for several reasons but I also think that whoever was present at that bachelor party needs to be put in their freaking place. Especially if they are groomsmen who are going to stand up there with you and support you two as a couple, because they did the EXACT opposite that night.
Now, I’m not condoning what your fiance let happen and I believe he should own up to the fact that he did not say no and respect the boundaries in the relationship. However, I find it very unlikely that it was his decision to have this happen and it was probably the consequence of alcohol, other men who think bachelor parties are an excuse to do anything, and peer pressure. But – he still should have said no, recognized the situation was out of hand, and acted accordingly. Counseling could help him be able to do this and also to emphasize that you two are getting married, you are part of a unit, and what he does no longer effects only him.
The other problem is that he did not come clean with everything that happened initially. The lying is just as heartbreaking as everything else in this situation and that needs to be addressed as well.
I’m so sorry this is happening so close to your wedding 🙁 Honestly, I don’t think it’s a dealbreaker but it should serve as a HUGE wake up call to your FI on how to behave like a committed man and how to say no to his friends.
Post # 11
@cherryshake: I am truly shocked that someone would be willing to tell someone else that they think this is worth throwing their relationship away over/cancelling a wedding for. It’s an uncomfortable situation, but certainly not a deal breaker.
I think that if something like this can create THAT big of an impact on what is supposed to be a lifelong partnership you might want to re-think what marriage means to you. There will be ups and downs throughout a marriage, and in my opinion this is a rather minor “down’ in the whole big scheme of things.
Post # 12
@Dollygold: Everyone’s boundaries and dealbreakers are different. I would never tell anyone to break off their relationship, and I really hope the OP and her fiancee can work things out, but the issue of strippers are not that trivial to everyone. I have told my husband five years ago on our first date that it was an absolute deal breaker for me and if he was into that kind of stuff I’m the wrong girl for him. If he went back on that now and went to a strip club I would leave him. I don’t need to re-think my idea of marriage because of that. Marriage is supposed to be based on mutual respect and that’s something I would never compromise.
Post # 13
Counseling sounds like a really good start. It’s up to you to decide what to do next. It sounds like your FI is really comitted to making this up to you and to doing whatever it takes to prove he’s sorry and that he regrets his actions. ((hugs))
Post # 14
@Charbirdie: I hope you guys have had a chance to talk things out in the past week and you’re feeling better. This is supposed to a very happy time in your life so granted that you two are still going through with it, please don’t let this cast a shadow over things for you. I wish you two the best of luck.
Post # 15
I agree with the other bees, this situation needs to be put into perspective. You have every right to feel hurt, betrayed and disrespected. He was not honest with you, and that is a problem. I do think both of you would benefit from a couple of counseling sessions before getting hitched.
But that does NOT mean the wedding or the relationship is “ruined.” Your FI is clearly very sorry for hurting you and willing to work on fixing this. This is not a worst case scenario or a lost cause. And it didn’t sound like you thought so either, so please ingore @laureldavid74:‘s so-called advice. Take care of yourself and talk to FI again when you feel ready for it.
Post # 16
Just wanted to add that at least you finance told you the truth. The wasn’t trying to hide anything so he deserves some credit. I would be very upset though too 🙁