Post # 1
Yesterday I wrote a post about how I was upset and uncomfortable about my finance getting a lap dance Party…http://boards.weddingbee.com/topic/strippers-at-my-mans-bachelor-party. A short recap, I could not stop thinking about a naked girl being on top of him and I was sorta “obsessing” about it. My fiance then wrote an extremely sweet note and I had started to feel A LOT BETTER!
Well, around 4pm yesterday it had been revealed that he didn’t have 1 lap dance but 6. It was also revealed that he was brought on stage, and whipped several times. It was like shock all over again. I felt really hurt, again, got really upset, again and really uncomfortable, again. I left work early because I couldn’t even focus on work! Well Fiance came home and we had a long talk about it. I told him that I am going to do my best to get over it, but he needs to be patient with me because it won’t just happened over night. Then right before we are going to bed, Fiance and I are putting on our pajamas, and fiance has HUGE BLACK AND BLUE marks all over his ass. I said, to FI “what in the world happened to you?!?” He said ugh, it was paintball. I said no way, those marks are huge, painteball bruises are more concentrated. I said they have to be from the stripe club and he agreed. I then said, “They must have pulled down your pants to bruise you that badly, and they said they did.” So now, I have this permanent image of my future husband whom I am marrying in 2 WEEKS on all fours, with his pants down getting whipped by strippers.
I could DEAL with the lap dances, it sucked to hear about those but I was getting over it. I’m sorry but I really feel like this crossed a line! I was crying something aweful and very upset. I asked him, how would you feel if I lifted up my shirt or pulled down my pants at a strip club and had strippers “whip” me so hard that I have marks on my body. He said, “I would be furious.” Bees, I really don’t know what to do. I spendt about an hour crying, then he spendt an hour crying. He said he wished he could take it all back…I know he regrets it but the point of the matter is what done is done. I need to recognize whether or not I CAN or CANNOT get over it. I feel like my heart broke a little last night, I just don’t know what to do. I know I can be over sensitive but…I just dont know…Fiance said he’s willing to do anything. I told him we may need to talk to a counselor or something, I don’t know. We’re keeping all options open at this point.
Post # 3
It went from having a lap dance to having 6 lap dances and being pulled on stage and whipped. You have the right to be angry, confused, and hurt this was unacceptable. He says he will do everything to make it work, but that takes time, you are getting married in 2 WEEKS!! The only advice I have is to slow down and work on your problems/issues before taking the next step. I wish you peace, patience, and understanding.
Post # 4
@7mom Yes, I am just hurt. I know this is typical “bachelor” etiquette but like I told my fiance, I dont see him as a “typical” bachelor. I respect and love him so much. I really believe a line was crossed. I have been praying constantly over this, wishing for just what you said, peace, patience and understanding…
Post # 5
What?? …….I don’t know what to say ;( Only you know how, you’ll figure it out x
Post # 6
I didn’t read your other post so I hope that this isn’t covering something that has already been covered… but here is my take on bachelor parties: they are RARELY about the bachelor. Because the bachelor is usually a nice guy with a great girl who is kind of over the drunken debauchery… which is why he’s getting married. But his friends are usually single and still very much into drunken debauchery and they’re way more excited about the bachelor party than the bachelor. And then the bachelor feels the need to go along with whatever because they’re his friends and he doesn’t want to be “whipped” (sorry, bad choice of words but you know what i mean… controlled by his future wife). From what I’ve heard the person getting the lapdance rarely even enjoys it because it is just awkward and uncomfortable (this is coming from male friends not FI who I guess you could say would have reason to “spin” it).
All this being said, I SERIOUSLY doubt that your FI enjoyed the lapdances or being whipped on stage (I mean honestly how is that fun??). He probably just went along with it all so he wouldn’t get called out by his friends for being lame. Which does show a certain lack of maturity but is it really REALLY worth breaking up over? I think not. I think your FI made a mistake and he’s sorry, he’s told you he’s sorry, and you need to forgive him. You’re getting married in two weeks. Don’t let this overshadow the rest of your relationship. I’m sure at t-2 weeks you are SUPER stressed and probably having slight cold feet anyways because let’s face it… the whole “forever” bit is a little scary right? But if you know in your heart he is a good man who loves you and is sorry, I think you need to let this go and move on for both of your sakes.
Post # 7
@Charbirdie:I really dont think that is typical bachelor etiquette at all. I would be absolutely disgusted if that were my husband. I would immediately set up a counseling appointment because I honestly dont think that is something I would get over on my own. He went from being honest and sorry to lying and lying some more. The trust would be totally broken for me and would SLOWLY come back. There better be a lot of flowers, date nights, foot massages and ice cream in your future or else he is a stupid man.
Post # 8
This is so difficult especially since you have 2 weeks. My FI hates strip clubs…he always opts out when invited to bachelor parties if he’s not in the wedding because he thinks the girls are so dirty so like you, I don’t consider him a typical bachelor. So I can’t imagine what I would feel if just weeks before (pressure from friends or not), he suddenly had a change of heart and went along with it. I think I would try to talk it through and be able to still marry him since it was whipping not kissing or worse but I still think the trust wouldn’t be 100% back for awhile.
Post # 9
By the way, just wanted to clarify that I am not saying for you to break up with him at all. I just think that sometimes an outside unbiased person is the best thing to have when trying to work through something that brings up so many emotions and hurt feelings. I do agree with CorgiTales that Im sure he didnt plan to do that type of thing and it was probably pressure from friends. HOWEVER he is an adult and can make his own decisions and should have known that ok one or two lap dances is fine but come on, 6 lap dances and being whipped on stage??? Im sure he knew that was over the line and the fact of the matter is that he lied to you and yes he came clean but he probably should have waited to write that long apology letter until after he came clean with the worse stuff. Im sure eventually things will be fine between the two of you but he broke your trust. And I can imagine that you are now going to NEVER allow him to go to strip clubs which you have every right to do.
Post # 10
@CorgiTales: I’m with Corgi on this one.
I hate dirty strip bars and my fiance hates them too (disagree with them 100%!), but a few of his groomsmen are into them, so I imagine they’ll all end up there at some point :-. It’s really just an excuse for the friends to go out to a strip bar so they have an excuse to not feel sleazy about themselves.
Seems to me that his friends are the ones that put him up for all of this. As was said above, who voluntarily goes on stage and gets whipped? He’s apologized and I’m sure feels super awful. Guys get weak. They cave into peer pressure.
Post # 11
@CorgiTales: agreed 110%.
@Charbirdie: i completely sympathize with you over the hurt that you’re feeling about finding all this out in segmented pieces. it’s like a lie being drawn out and making the pain worse. however, if it makes you feel any better. try to think of it exactly how corgi mentioned above.
having bachelor’s whipped on stage is PURELY about embarassment and pain and not ANYTHING sexual. one of my BEST guy friends had this happened to him last summer. he hated every minute of it and it swore him to ever go to a strip club again (not that he went frequently, but still) pretty much scared him sh*tless. he said he was glad that his friends had a fun laugh, but it was purely mortifying and painful.
as for your situation with your FI. i hope that you can sort out what you need to to get over this and that your FI can help you as he can. in the long scheme of things, he sounds like a good guy and is willing to do what he can going forward to make getting over this easier for you… (huggssss)
Post # 12
@CorgiTales: I also fully agree with Corgi.
She gave you some very, very good advice. Please listen to her post and dont let this episode ruin everything that you guys have built together. I understand that you are upset and that you are angry and I think you have a right to be. To be very honest, though, I dont think that this is worth throwing in the towel over.
Post # 13
@pitbulllover. I know, the long, sweet apology letter would have been perfect after all the other stuff happened! haha I can’t help but laugh.
I really do love this man, I am going to forgive him. I want to spend my life with him, I just have to COMMIT to the forgiveness. Which can be easier said then done. My regret is that I never had a sit down conversation with my man explaining what I was and wasn’t comfortable with. I recommend all bees have that convo before their mans bachelor party….it could avoid a HUGE conflict!
Post # 14
Set the proper tone for your marriage. Have him drop his pants and put him over your lap, then give him a sound spanking with a hairbrush. When you feel that he has been sufficiently chastised, or his whimpering turns to tears, have him get on his knees and beg your forgiveness. if you accept his apology let him know that weekly maintenance spankings are something he can expect in the future, since he liked it so much.
Or, Do you love him? Does he love you? Does he go to strip clubs? or visit professional dominatrix? then call it a 1x event and just tell him that his behavior was unacceptable, and will not be repeated after you are married. Then forget about it and move on with your life.
Post # 15
@CorgiTales: Honestly, this is a good answer/advice post you just put up. That is why a lot of these women come on here expressing surprise. To the OP, you know, you really know that your FI is not usually like this. He lied, but honestly, why do you think he lied? I’m sure it was in order to not make you upset. Not that I am condoning his lying, but he probably knew that to him, it was nothing, maybe more than slightly embarassing, but that it would cause a lot of heartache for you.
These groomsmen. IDK, most of my FI’s friends are single and even though they swear that they want the nice lady, they are kicking it up and enjoying the single life in NYC. I totally totally feel where CorgiTales remarks are coming from.
Post # 16
bRooklynRocks, zippylef, missjyc, Rocketdog, bride2beIn2012,PitBulLover, CorgiTales I agree with all you gals. I know that the bachelor party “whipping” has no type of pleasure associated with it. I know its meant for trully embarrassment purposes. I just don’t like the thought of any girl doing anything like that to my fiance. Again, I feel like a lot of this was my fault. As I never voiced that I would be upset. I am taking one for the team and going to forgive and forget, but believe me you I bet he will never ever ever do that again!!! Thanks all you girls