Update: We had the timeline talk sorta

posted 3 years ago in Waiting
Post # 3
Member
3016 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: July 2014 - Prague

Wow, that sounds intense. Did his references to these things you did that made him lose trust in you ring any bells? Did they even make sense?

 

Post # 4
Member
399 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: May 2013

Do you know what those things are that he was referring to about losing trust? 

Post # 5
Member
138 posts
Blushing bee

I would also like to know if he detailed what it was that made him lose trust in you…

Can I just say, though, that my immediate reaction to his response is that I would be VERY uncomfortable with someone who suddenly is holding something over your head (especially something which you had not previously been aware of) as a reason to justify not wanting to even discuss marriage/a future. That screams red flags of manipulation to me, which really grinds my gears after a previous longterm (almost 7 year) relationship with someone very manipulative and emotionally abusive.

Post # 6
Member
1216 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: September 2014

@keebee:  Yeah, I also want to know if he explained to you what things you did that have caused him to not trust you? Also, how long have you guys been together?

Post # 8
Member
7285 posts
Busy Beekeeper
  • Wedding: November 1999

@keebee:  So you werent a doormat so he had a problem with you standing up for yourself? yeah he can go kick rocks.

Post # 9
Member
138 posts
Blushing bee

@keebee:  Personally, if someone could not respect my need for personal space during times when I needed to cool down and reflect, I wouldn’t be able to stand for it. It is his prerogative to feel the way he does, but for his response to be considered valid — in my opinion, at least — he should have voiced his feelings about you “ignoring him” immediately after that happened rather that down the line and at this point where he is using it as a means to manipulate and hold something against you. It’s very immature. If I were you, I would voice all of this to him and give him the opportunity to move forward with a clean slate since he pretty much gave up his right to be upset about those things since he did not bring them up at the time. If he does not agree, then I think you need to move on and find someone who is emotionally mature and capable of handling situations and arguments in an adult fashion. 

Post # 10
Member
502 posts
Busy bee

His side:

I love my girlfriend. But she keeps pressuring me for marriage and wants to know when we will get married. I have no idea right now…and the more she pushes the more I resist. Finally I burst out with how it had made me feel those times when she just left and ignored me for days on end when we had a disagreement, when i just wanted to work it out. I told her honestly how it had made me feel and how unsure I could become…what is marriage without the ability to work things through together. Now things are even worse. Maybe I would be better off without her…


Sometimes looking at the other side (at least for me) really adds to the possible story.

Post # 11
Member
10219 posts
Sugar Beekeeper
  • Wedding: December 2012

Hi @keebee:  Woah…

I would not be able to deal with that crap either…

Especially the “You’ve done things that make me lose trust in you” part

More so, when it is something you weren’t aware of… haven’t talked about in the past.

He is either stalling “We will see in time”… OR he is just looking for excuses… as in … this relationship works for me now… but I am still open to someone else coming along and rockin my world more than her…

OR he’s a d!ck-head who is “marking” you on your performance as a POTENTIAL Wife…

(What is known in the Psych world as a Parent-Child Relationship and is an UNHEALTHY one)

Uh, no.

I agree 100% with what you said…

I’d not be ok with that sh!t… he should KNOW by now… and be openly communicating with you about not only the status of this relationship, but also in geenral day-to-day convo about how things are going, how to make things better for the 2 of you, and the future.

I didn’t hear any evidence of that in your post.

So ya, I’d be moving on…

— — —

@winstonchurchill:  Lol, good post.  And one that clearly shows these 2 aren’t necessarily on the same page (compatible) in how they look at serious relationships & the future… and that they have a major failing in HIM… being able to communicate effectively.

All the more reason to call it a day, IMO.

 

Post # 13
Member
1676 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: January 2015

@winstonchurchill:  I agree I think it’s good to see both sides. But none of us are mind readers and if he doesn’t communicate that then he can’t expect to be heard. 

@keebee:  you have to do what you feel is best. Good luck

Post # 14
Member
4909 posts
Honey bee
  • Wedding: November 2010

I have to agree with TTA.  I wouldn’t be able to deal with it either.

Post # 15
Member
2394 posts
Buzzing bee

@keebee:  

He told me “we will see in time”.

Well, the problem with that little declaration coming down from the mountain top is that his majesty doesn’t get to decide what “we” will do, because “he” is not in charge of “we.”

LOL

I like your spunk, and I DO like your idea of starting to see other people.

Go, girl…

Post # 16
Member
80 posts
Worker bee
  • Wedding: January 2011

I don’t understand the concept. 

“I love you and want to spend the rest of my life with you, so let’s make a timeline for me getting a ring and then planning a party (aka wedding) so we can be devoted and loyal to each other.”

“No? Well then I don’t even want to be with you anymore.” 

Makes no sense to me. I wouldn’t let the lack of a formal commitment end a relationship I supposedly want to be in for the rest of my life. Is it impossible to have that commitment and love without a ring and wedding? If the lack of a timeline was the only issue in a relationship, I wouldn’t start seeing someone else. That seems really ridiculous. 

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