Post # 1
So im back for some more advice. Here is my orginal post.
So my future-in-laws made an offer on a house that wasnt accepted. They sat down with Fiance & I and told us they may need to stay with us FOR 6 MONTHS!
And this would be right when Fiance & I move into our new home, after living with my mom for almost 1 year and a half.
I expressed my concerns to Fiance saying 6 months is a very long time, and we need to be on our own at this point. To enjoy the excitement of being on our own again.
My Fiance said that he would just tell his parents they couldnt stay with us.(he said it like he was getting upset). I told him not to do that because its not the fact i dont want them to come its the fact that its so long. He spoke with his parents that night and they said they were going to rent. (both Fiance parents believe renting is a waste of money).
When he hung up Fi & I were talking and he said that he thinks they said that b/c they can feel my vibe of not wanting them to come with us,
I felt so guilty about this the next day i called my Future Mother-In-Law and told her they can stay woth us that it wasnt a problem, but she mentioned there probably going to stay with a family member b/c she knows we want to be on our own.
My problem is, i dont buy it. we move into our house next week and they need to be out of there house a week after that. I have a very strong feeling there going to come. and i bees, seriously i dont mean to be self-ish but thats such a long time.
what should I do? I feel like all the conversations Fiance & I have had about this havent gone anywhere, and everytime i try to bring it up i can tell he`s getting upset, and i dont want him to be upset.
Post # 3
What are their plans for 6 months down the road? And with happened with them living with FMIL’s sister? Maybe if they really do need 6 months they could split that between the two houses.
With the moves next week is there any way you can casual bring it up like “We have been so busy packing our boxes getting ready for the move, are you guys ready for your move” and see where it goes from there?
Post # 4
I could try doing that as well. its definetly a good idea. The only thing is the last thing Future Mother-In-Law said was that she would be moving in with her sister, but i have a gut feeling thats not the case. I just feel like they were irresponsible with selling there house and not having one to live in. And i dont want to have to suffer the consequences, for that decison. Obviously if it was between them being homeless or coming with us I wouldnt be here right now
Post # 5
this is going to be a tough love post.
STOP being so wishy washy! its ok to not want to live with your IL’s and changing the message from one day to the next only makes you and your Fiance look stupid and easy to manipulate
who cares if they think renting is a waste of money – you dont owe them free room and board for 6mths
you were stupid enough to phone them and say they can stay after your Fiance told them no so if they do end up living with you then you only have yourself to blame. time to get a backbone and stick to your decisions, its ok to say no to people that are expecting far more from you that you are prepared to give
Post # 6
@eloping: Maybe i wasnt clear, My Fiance never told them no. there deciding to stay with her sister on there own free will. But i have a feeling that wont be the case. I dont want to seem like this evil daighter-in-law villan that doesnt want them.
am i being selfish for not wanting them to come? A part of me says no but a part of me says yes.
Post # 7
NO NO NO NO!!!!!!!
HELL NO! lol… stand your ground on this one!!!
Post # 8
@worried05: no, you are NOT being selfish. they have the means to afford renting without imposing on a newly married couple that are just staring their lives together – be strong and be a united front. saying no doesnt mean you dont love or respect your inlaws – its ok to put your feelings first
Post # 9
your right. when i intialy mentioned to my Fiance 6 months is a long time for them to come live with us, he said he had to live with my mom for a year and a half. which is true but its not like my mom is getting married & starting her life, and we didnt have another choice!!! my in laws live 45 minutes- to an hour away and that wasnt an option for us.
i guess im nervous too b.c i want to tell my Fiance no i dont want them coming but i feel like he might eventually resistement me for it.
Post # 10
@worried05: You are absolutely not being selfish for not wanting your inlaws to live with you for six whole months – especially when you’re newly married and just got a house of your own. If anything, i’d say it’s your inlaws who are being selfish. Nobody likes renting … but sometimes you’ve just got to do it!
Post # 11
Just because you love someone, doesn’t mean you can stand to live them! I have best friends and if we lived together, we’d probably end up strangling each other, lol.
perhaps compromise, tell them they can store stuff in your basement and then don’t have to rent such a big place. but living with them will be stressfull, no doubt, and if you can avoid it, by all means!
Post # 12
I know this is going to be a very unpopular opinion, but I think OP is being very selfish. I would be pissed if my SO/FI/DH had a problem with my parents moving in with us temporarily. My parents have done so much for us that it would be plain old ridiculous to let them down when they are in a tough position. I don’t think it really matters whether they “irresponsibly” sold the house or not. They are not kids who need to be repremanded or need to learn a lesson. They just need a little help from the kid that they raised and the woman who supposedly wants to be part of the family. Families help each other out, PERIOD. OP has a year until her wedding, so I’m not buying the argument about starting off “on their own” as a married couple. By the time they’re married the ILs should be gone anyway. Besides its not like they have not lived together before. Furthermore, they let OP’s mom put them up for a year and a half. We’re they irresponsible moochers at that point?
And if OP has a problem with Future Mother-In-Law cooking and cleaning, then she should tell her so. Lay down some ground rules it is her house. And if OP has a problem with Future Sister-In-Law, then don’t let her move in. Why is the Future Sister-In-Law and the parents a packaged deal anyway? She’s 25! I also really hate how PPs are trying to make the Future Mother-In-Law and Future Father-In-Law to be users or people who are trying to take advantage of the couple. They’ve offered to pay money and contribute to chores. This in no way implies that they want a free ride.
Post # 13
they should be renting it is their own problem for leaving their home nd being misplaced for 6 months. I think they are all being selfish not you. That is not right.
Post # 14
I’m a bit torn now…because the advice that I want to give you is that you are an adult and that you should just talk it through with them etc etc
But that’s not what I would do in your situation, because I am a huge wuss. In fact, my mother has previously made noises indicating that she is thinking of coming and living very close to us. And I, er… didn’t tell her no… because I didn’t have the courage and didn’t want to hurt her feelings.
My Mum is allergic to cats and dogs. I love them. Fiance likes them, but is sort of indifferent. I argued that getting an animal would mean that she wouldn’t be able to stay over. It wasn’t the only factor in deciding to get an animal… but it was one of them!
Do they have any deal breakers that they really couldn’t live with? It’s really passive aggressive, and not what an adult should really do, but the conversation could go something like this:
You: “Er… I have to say that I’m sorry about your living situation, and I wouldn’t mind your staying with us in normal circumstances… but you might have picked up a negative vibe from us about staying. It’s not that we don’t want you, it’s just that we decided to get a Newfoundland dog.”
Father-In-Law: “A dog…(?)”
You: We picked him out at the pound, and he’ll be destroyed if we can’t have him. We had our heart set on him… but we know that you can’t stand dogs… and we really love him etc etc
Obviously this only works if you are actually planning to get a dog. But perhaps you could apply it to similar scenarios?
… and now I feel like a terrible manipulative person… but at least I’m a terrible manipulative person with a nice pet animal…
Post # 15
I understand your point of view as well. But thing is they moved so far away when my Fiance was in his last year of highschool. They bascially told him to find somewhere else to go, b/c it was too far for him from his job & school. And they were never there for him when he was growing up either. They didnt even raise him! so, the fact that you said you would be upset if your Fiance said no to your parents, well maybe your parents were there for you. We lived with my mom for a year and a half because she was diagonsed with cancer. She needed help. They have somewhere ELSE to go.
& By The Way, i love my future in laws i really do. But this was planned
Post # 16
@SincerelyShe: Im with you even given the extra hostory.
OP this is family and family is supposed to support each other and the fact that your Fiance chose to stay where he was to attend the high school and job he was currently in when they moved was his choice (as I assume there were high schools and jobs where the FIL’s moved to). I am sure it hurt them as well that he prioritised staying at his current location rather than staying with family.
Also you and your Fiance stayed with your mum for a year and I am assuming she happily open her house to help you. I find it kind of hypocritical that you would accept the same sort of help from family but deny it to others!