- 5 years ago
So, when I last posted, it was just after my older (26 year old) sister’s wedding. I was feeling pretty horribly, and not sure about my waiting-timeline.
I have discussed things with my boyfriend of a year and 9 months (known for 5, living together for a year and a month so far, and dated non-exclusively for 2 before officially being bf-gf). He has said that he wants to marry me after I graduate with my BA in Education. I am 23 years old, currently, and he is 25. I have about a year and a half left until I graduate. He already has graduated, and has been working at a good job for three years and 9 months.
Last night we were talking about houses for sale (since our rent has gone up again for our apartment, and we are now paying as much for our apartment rent as one of his co-workers/friends pays for a morgage payment (after huge downpayment). I said that we could continue saving money each month for the next 2-4 years for a house downpayment, nnd commented that we could just use our backyard for a wedding eventually.
He responded with: “Don’t you want to get married before we buy a house together?”
Me: “Well, yes, but I know that weddings are expensive.”
Him: “We’ll be able to afford to do both, in the order that you want to.”
Then he reminded me of something that I said when I met him, when I was 18. I apparently had said, that I want to graduate and start my career before I get married. I am a little surprised that he had remembered this. It is a good plan, to begin my career first. The part that I am a little confused about though: is he thinking that we should be getting married right after we get engaged?
He also recently said that I should concentrate on the here and now rather than the future.
I am a planner. I need to have plan for everything. (I know this comes from a somewhat unstable childhood.) He knows this. He knows me better than anyone! We love each other and are committed to one another. Part of me wonders if he is wanting me to do so, so that when he proposes (withien the next 3-5 years or so), it will be a surprise? That might seem to be wishful thinking, but I have a good memory and he knows this.
Two summers ago, his mom asked us about when we would want to get engaged, and what type of rings I liked. He said something about a proposal that he planned in high school (before I knew him), that he had planned for an assignment. His mom replied, “The european castle thing?” His reply? “Mom, you ruined it!” We go on a vacation every summer with his mom (timeshare thing that they own). Maybe he is thinking that if I concentrate on the present, that I will forget this conversation happened? Probably wishful thinking.
The thing is, I think that this conversation is one of the reasons why I was so upset after my sister’s wedding. I think I am wanting the romance involved in the proposal, engagement, and wedding, than I do the marriage, while I am still in school. That is not the right reasom to get engaged at this time. The truth is: while I want to married to him, have kids with him, buy a hosue with him, raise a family with him, grow old with him, and maybe even get a second cat with him, part of me knows that marrying after I begin my career is the right step.
Still, I hesitate to buy jewlery for myself (a charm bracelet to celebrate my academic accomplishments along the way), or to discuss vacation plans with his mom for the following summer, or to buy anything even remotely extravagent (decorations for our living room walls, or materials for my hobbies).
In other areas I am trying to re-focus on myself: my hobbies, my passions, my education, my goals and ambitions. I am also trying to refocus on our current relationship. We have a good relationship, even if it isn’t traditionally romantic. We go on dates, we are planning on taking archery together, we will be seeing his mother for Thanksgiving and going to the Rennisance Faire while we are in the area, seeing his dad, step-mom, and sister, for Christmas (as usual), and we are going to a concert that I wanted to attend in October.
I am still a little confused, but I am feeling better about our future, in general.