Upset.. DH keeps telling everyone I am controlling

posted 3 years ago in Emotional
Post # 3
Member
2063 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: October 2014

Regardless of how controlling/non controlling you are, your husband needs to stop sharing his dirty laundry with people. It’s your business and if he has a problem then he needs to come to you about it and not anyone else. 

And why are YOU the only one in charge of your son?..takes two to make a baby which means HE can help out.  

 

Post # 4
Member
3016 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: July 2014 - Prague

Are you the only one who disciplines? You two need to sit down and make some agreements about when to discipline and how. And then stick to them.

I have a teensy suspicion, from the tone of your post, that you are defensive about your son. That leads me to believe that perhaps you do let him get away with things. Only a guess, obviously. But either way, it’s clear your husband thinks you do. 

I would be very annoyed at my FI if he was criticising me publicly. That’s pretty uncool. But it sounds like he is at a point of annoyance that it’s causing him to behave like that. 

TALK about the issue. 

Also, talk to him about alternatives when he’s out drinking. Driving home seems like the easy option, but even if he doesn’t end up killing anyone, if he gets pulled over it is going to be a nightmare. Not to mention it will cost AT LEAST $10k. Try to make him see sense on that issue. But maybe not in the same convo.

Good luck!

Post # 7
Member
275 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: September 2014

It sounds like you have a bit of a communication issue with your husband. He doesn’t/refuses to understand your approach to raising your son, and feels like its ok to publically bash you in front of friends. You feel uncomfortable with this and have told him, but he still doesn’t get it and continues to do whatever he wants. 

Its not ok for him to continue doing something if it makes you sad or upset, just because he thinks its funny. And apparently, he thinks that you checking in and not wanting him to indulge in dangerous behavior is “nagging”.

A lot of people will suggest couples counselling, and i think its a good idea. I almost think that your husband needs an outside perspective to see how he is damaging his relationship, and he needs to learn healthier ways to express his feelings or issues that are actually constructive.

Honestly, it doesn’t sound like your husband respects you as his equal partner, he sees you as this person he lives with who he has to answer to when he steps out of line (but he doesn’t think he is). in other words, like his mother. That is on him, you sound like you are doing what any normal mother and wife would do and say, and he has unrealistic expectations. 

Good luck.

Post # 8
Member
272 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: June 2014

augh! Hugs sweetie!! You guys need to have a serious chat about how you are in this marriage together – that means no backstabbing or bad mouthing. If he feels you’re controlling, he needs to talk to you in private about that – it is not a public discussion. He is acting like a brat (in my opinion) and needs to man up. 

Post # 9
Member
4639 posts
Honey bee
  • Wedding: September 2014

He sounds disrespectful and mean. Issues between the two of you, should stay between you. I think a serious discussion needs to be had about the way he views you and how he chooses to share it. Seriously not cool. 

Post # 10
Member
1410 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: November 2011

@seamonkey1:  I’m not a parent so I don’t want to give you parenting advice. But I have to ask, has your DH always been like this? Meaning thinking you are controlling.

Is he a complainer? I’ve come to realize that DH is a HUGE complainer…traffic, weather, work, etc. He’s said things to people before that made me look bad. I don’t think he realizes he’s doing it. 

 

Post # 11
Member
9412 posts
Buzzing Beekeeper

@Laurenskii:  +1. If your husband has a problem with you, he needs to tell you rather than try and publicly humiliate you. The behaviour you described is not controlling; he sounds incredibly immature. Maybe he has other examples but solely based on what you said, he is the one with the problem. 

I don’t know any woman who would want her partner driving drunk, being a lazy parent, or making her disabled parents walk around aimlessly. The bigger issue for your relationship is that he sounds like he doesn’t respect you and is not prepared for what a committed relationship entails. Your priority should be your wife and kid, not your friends and drinking. 

Post # 12
Member
652 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: June 2012

It’s strange to me that he is saying you’re controlling yet he is also saying that you let the son get away with things. I would think that if you were actually controlling, you would be controlling of your son as well. Who know’s though. 

I think you and him need to talk about this, in private. I would have a # of things to discuss if I were you:

1. How to discipline your child. Make sure you and him are on the same page and come to some kind of agreement.

2. Why the hell is he talking about you like that in front of people. If he has a problem with something he would be sitting down and talking about it in private like you and him would be right then, not in front of all of your friends. Tell him how it made you feel when he did that (i.e. embarassed? anything else?)

3. The issue of being controlling. How does he feel about this? Why does he think this? What would he like to see change? 

Post # 13
Member
918 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: November 2012

Honestly, it sounds like having a heart-to-heart about whatever issues he seems to be imagining wouldn’t work. You already told him to stop bashing you to other people, and he didn’t listen.

If he thinks you’re so controlling, show him what controlling is. Tell him to put on his big-girl panties and suck it up from now on. If he doesn’t like it, he doesn’t have to go anywhere with you.

Post # 14
Member
11772 posts
Sugar Beekeeper
  • Wedding: May 2013

Your husband is being a serious crazy person! That’s not controlling–not hitting your kid in public is basic human decency! And he’s 4.5, not 45!

And all you wanted was to know where your car was parked!

Post # 15
Member
2052 posts
Buzzing bee

Yikes!  I am sorry you are dealing with this!

I agree with PP’s that he needs to not air out his issues with you with friends at ALL!

When he was talking about you not letting him go out and drink with others…was he smiling?  Did he mean it like a joke, like he’s happy that he has to stay in?  Some men are like that, they want an excuse to stay in but the complain about it in public with their friends so they don’t seem lame.

If I were you I would have a serious talk with him when you get home about his feelings/perception of the relationship…and how he’s made you feel by the comments he’s made in public.

Good Luck!

Post # 16
Member
4827 posts
Honey bee
  • Wedding: June 2013 - Upstate NY

Sounds like husband doesn’t think your kid is well-behaved 90% of the time.

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