Post # 1
I am going to try to make this short. My SO and I have been together for 10 yrs, during this time he has helped me raise both of my tyrant kids. SO and I were in and out od court and schools with these kids. They were so bad that the safest place for them was out of our home. Once placed there they ran away and didn’t hear from them for 2 years. Years before SO and I met, I was enagaged to this this man when the kids were little(diapers) after we split, he still had contact with them but from miles away. He was in their lives for 5 yrs.
SO has a back fusion to half his back and this other guy recently became paralysed. Her bio father was never in the picture and is deceased.
Well when daughter ran away she got her self in big trouble, 4 yrs ago she ran to me and my SO, the safest place for her was miles away we arragnged for her to be near this other guy that she has always adored. Last year he adopted her she was 21! I was never asked. I haven’t told the SO because he would be so hurt. She gave the SO such a rough time but they/we mended and all was great so we thought until she decides to get married.
Daughter had her FI ask this other guy for the hand in marriage, not me, not the SO. They were first going to come up where we were and changed thier minds. When I asked why she said that so and so couldn’t make it because he’s paralysed. Well right away I was upset because there was no consideration of my SO and he not being able to either. It’s like I wasn’t even thought of. I have been through hell and back with her and we have had a good relationship for the past 4 yrs until this wedding.
SO is very hurt as am I, and she also told me that her FI doesn’t know anything of her past that he loves her for who she is today. So in order for him to understand where I am coming from he has no clue. Talking to the daughter at this point is like opening up a huge can of bridzilla.
Now SO is so upset(which I don’t blame him) he doesn’t want to go, and honestly it would be so painful for him on that long, long trip. He can’t fly so that’s not an option. Honestly I don’t want to go either, I am afraid I am going to say something to her now father that will be walking her down the aisle. This guy has had the “cutesy” stage with her not any of the hard times she has put me through.
My question is should I even try to dredge the murky water with my daughters FI so she doesn’t lead him on like she has so he has a better understanding of why we feel the way we do? I know if I don’t go my daughter and I will never have any type of relationship, but I feel my SO and I are a team and this puts me in a very hard spot. It has caused us(the SO and I) alot of hurt between us and I am so lost on how to handle this situation. The wedding is 6 weeks away.
Post # 3
I am sorry, but dont quiet understand. You are upset your daughter is not coming to you when she could never come to you before? I dont mean to be harsh, but I guess I just dont understand how she is safer without her parents. I understand your upset, but I guess I just dont understand the situation fully enough I give advice. I hope things go well for your daughter and that you are able to be there for her wedding.
Post # 4
Also I would never bring up a daughters past to her FI. It is not your place, and not something a mother should ever do
Post # 5
Your daughter was adopted by someone else. So whilst you are her biological mother, I don’t see why she would feel like she needs to include your SO over who she obviously considers to be her father.
Don’t dredge up the past, if you think not going to the wedding will cause problems, then this will be WWIII.
Just try to be happy in that she is happy and finally safe and starting her own family. It sucks that you aren’t a part of that as much as you’d like, but life is like that, bittersweet.
Post # 6
@weeonebride: She had always came to me until she reached those reble teen-age years, stealing my car while I was sleeping, having parties at my house while I was at work(fixed that and had a babysitter) stole my jewlery and sold it, skipped school alot, had men as BF, smoked pot in my house, knew my pin # to my bank and stole money from it, used my c.c,#, I could go on and on on much worse things she has done than what I have lsited. As I said it was a very rough, rough time that I hope no ne has to go through. She has made a huge improvement retained her GED and was in college, and she has always said she was so sorry for what all she had done to both of us, and how she wishes should could turn back time and do things differently and that i was the best parent, after seeing how some other parents are to their children.
Post # 7
she was adopted at age 21.
Post # 8
Sorry you are hurt but I agree with previous posters. You said yourself you arranged for your daughter to live near this man, and now you are upset that he is involved in her wedding. I would say the most loving options you could take would be to a) go and support her with or without your SO or b) politely decline. If she asks why you can give her the reasons you listed here but ultimately her wedding is hers, and it is up to her to decide who she feels closest to or who she wants to walk her down the aisle. It doesn’t mean she loves you or your SO any less.
I am sure it would mean a lot to her to have her mother attend her wedding. I would be heartbroken if mine missed it because she was upset with me.
Post # 9
@Everdeen: I am trying so hard to be happy I realy am. She has no clue on how I feel, I tried at the begining and I got bridezillaed. It’s easy to hang the phone up. She had no problem taking our money for the wedding though, but that is material which doesn’t hold much weight with me.
Post # 10
Your post makes you come across like a MOMZILLA who is angry that her daughter’s wedding day isn’t all about her and so has resorted to name calling.
Post # 11
This is a tough situation, but it seems to me like she’s been out of your life for so long and if she’s adopted (even though it was without your consent right? the story really confused me) she is going to be the one to dictate your involvement, in my opinion. Although I understand others will disagree with me here, I have to go with the other posters, thats my opinion
Also, do not dredge up her past! You said yourself she got her act together, went to college, changed her life. It just seems now like you’re trying to mess up her life like you feel she did to you… do not do it! She admits she was wrong and has changed (you say)
Post # 12
Not once in your post did you say “my daughter.”
I would let things be. relationships go both ways. I would be there if you want to so that she knows you care…unless you’d rather not have her come to you in the future.
Post # 13
Its important for you to try harder to develp a bond without selfishness.
Post # 14
I’m confused…so are you two just upset that her FI asked this other man for her hand in marriage? I don’t see why that should upset your SO. You and him were the ones who decided she would be better off without the two of you raising her. WHy would you expect to be the most involved ones when you yourself decided that she would be better off living away from the two of you? You basically said that you don’t have a relationship with your daughter right now. It sounds like what it going on is a direct consequence of the fact that you chose to not raise her and have her live somewhere else. That was YOUR choice, not hers, so stop punishing her over it.
She is not ‘going bridezilla’, she is having a natural reaction of being upset that her mom who basically gave her away now wants to be super-involved and have her and SO get their way. When she was a difficult child you sent her away, now that she is an adult and turned her life around you think she should treat you like any other MOB and you and your SO should get to do all of the special things with her. That is not fair, you don’t get to pick and choose when you want to be a parent. The lack of relationship between you two is not her fault, she was just a child when that started, and now SHE gets to dictate the relationship between you and her, not the other way around.