- 4 years ago
Thanks guys- I think I overreacted 😛
Thanks guys- I think I overreacted 😛
If you are uncomfortable with your relationship dynamic then you should discuss it with your boyfriend, see if he is willing to make changes. He may also need his eyes opened to when his actions and words are hurtful.
Edit. Ok, just read the part about him sleeping while you were crying. That is not ok, he needs to emotionally support you or he is not contributing to the realtionship.
@Eckle: Well, he did apologize. But I’ve said numerous times that I feel he has too much power, and that he uses my insecurities to his advantage (he jokes/teases a lot, but insists he never means to hurt my feelings). He’s normally really sweet to me, and I guess using my anxiety as a barometer is a bad idea because I worry about everything from North Korea to bone cancer, but I just wish he had SOME concern that I’d break up with him. I wish he at least considered it as a possibility, so he’d be more concerned about being nice to me when I’m upset. Instead he’s like “Well, you’re just going to get over it the next morning”
As for him falling asleep yes it was REALLY annoying to me (My friend’s boyfriend does the sae thing!) but it was midnight and he was tired when the fight began. Having said that I still don’t understand how it was even physically possible.
please don’t take this the wrong way, but are you close to your period? I will get crazy upset over things (and start a fight that ends with crying) that a week later I am embarrassed I got so upset over. If you own a bikini I am sure you look great in it! SO’s say the wrong things or we hear more than they meant!
Him going to sleep while you’re crying is something DH does too that makes me even angrier, but given that I do this once a quarter or so (the other two months I get mad at someone else or cry watching TV, seriously its a hormone thing) I kind of understand that DH is figuring out what’s happening (quarterly hormone induced fight) and decides to go to sleep. I do get over it, but it feels SO real and awful when it happens. Maybe this is you too since you said it happened in college?
I think you should read up on emotional abuse. I’m not sure that your relationship could be emotionally abusive, but I had an emotionally and verbally abusive ex and he did some of the things your SO is doing, including ignoring me when I cried, like my feelings weren’t important.
@edgebee: Ah! SO glad you know my boyfriend is not the only man who does this. And yes…I’m about 5 days form my period 😀 Not offended.
I think I’m also really emotional because I”m visiting my family this weekend, and SO isn’t coming, and every time I go away, I worry something will happen to him while I’m gone (I know, crazy). I think I was already more emotionally sensitive going into the night, so it made sense that I overreacted. I don’t think he meant to hurt my feelings- I just feel like he has all the power and it upsets me that *I’m* always the one worrying about a breakup, never him.
@distracts: Well he was cuddling me and hugging me, and at one point he tried to cheer me up. So he wasn’t totally ignoring me but I kind of wanted to stay up all night talking and he eventually just fell asleep. He’s normally really sweet to me but he can get really cold when he’s annoyed with me (like when I’m overreacting or being overly emotional). I do know people who have been in emotionally abusive relationships and while my SO is sometimes insensitive, I wouldn’t say he falls into that category.
@pictureaccount: Hm. I agree that what he said in bed is, if nothing else, surprising. I mean, yes most men would freaking LOVE their gf/FI/wife to dance for them, regardless of how they’re dancing! I know DH does, and trust me I’m not the best dancer of all time 🙂
It also depends on how YOU respond to his actions. When he said that, you could have calmly turned around and stopped, and said “Really? i’m dancing for you and you just tell me no?” He should recognize that it’s not all about pleasing him in bed – he should at the very least voice his appreciation.
It sounds like this is more about a balance of power in your relationship. it’s beginning to bother you, all the way down to when you’re intimate with each other. If it was me I’d figure out how to make that balance a little more fair – sit him down and (CALMLY) tell him some of this. Openly communicate these feelings to him. And begin to – how should I say it? – not play games with him, but not be there all the time and available and do whatever he wants. (I know you didn’t say that exactly, but if that’s sort of the case, then try to back off). You guys should do things YOU want to do as well.
Remember also that you can be confident too! It sounds like you’re a worrier and that doesn’t help anyone’s self-esteem for sure. Make sure you’re happy with YOU and not just obsessing that he’s going to dump you. What kind of relationship is that, if you’re always thinking about breaking up?
Overall, are you happy with him? That should also guide your actions. If you don’t feel appreciated with this man and he doesn’t respond to you talking this over with him…I would question staying. I mean, you shouldn’t have to feel humiliated by your SO, ever. Since you do, I would really talk with him about it.
Enjoy your dinner! And remember, BOTH people have to invest in the relationship. If it feels like he’s just critical and you have no power…those would be biiig red flags to me.
Good luck :/
@pictureaccount: Oh my. I don’t mean to be harsh, please believe this. But you are WAY overreacting here. He’s a guy! You are being so overly sensitive to every little thing he does or says. Stop already! You sound so very insecure.
Nobody has power in a relationship over you unless you allow them to. It doesn’t sound like he has more power but it does sound like he’s more mature, grounded and self-confident than you are. Don’t take it personally that he’s not as psychologically sensitive as you are.
Learn to communicate WITH him instead of AT him. I feel you must have something from your childhood or background where an authority figured treated you very harshly and made you feel helpless and invisible. And that burned your psychological skin (as Dr Phil would say, lol) and made you into a person who’s looking for slights against her that just aren’t there.
Please realize this is you and not him. Obviously I don’t know you and am just going off your OP and my gut feeling. I mean this in the most loving way possible. You don’t have to continue doing this to yourself. Trust the man! He LOVES you. Don’t push him away by overwhelming him with so much dramatic emotion.
Take the best care of yourself! ((HUGS))!!!
LOL why were you twerking? I don’t blame him for stopping you. Have you seen videos of people twerking on the internet? They look ridiculous.
As for the bikini comment, I know my FI has very specific things that he likes or doesn’t like. It’s GOOD that he voices his opinion, because when you wear something for him, don’t you want to wear something you know he likes??
I also think that he didn’t really do anything bad, so crying over it is a bit extreme and melodramatic IMO. It seems like you are just unreasonably insecure in your relationship. Have you talked to him about that? He isn’t worried that you will break up with him beacuse it’s obvious that you won’t. He’s dating you and has been for a while, it seems. If he hasn’t broken up with you yet, he isn’t going to for standing up for yourself. Guaranteed he’s rather you say “hey, that wasn’t nice! I’ll twerk all I want” than have you feel walked over because you’re afraid he will break up with you. I used to feel sort of the same way, but then I realized that the crying and feeling bad about myself annoyed my FI WAYY more than anything I could say in response to him.
Eleanor Roosevelt said, “No one can make you feel inferior without your consent.”
he only has the power, because you are giving him that power.
how long have you been together? has he always made you feel this way? is this the way you alway want to feel?
@pictureaccount: It sounds like he has gotten complacent in the realtionship. I don’t think he has to worry that you would leave him in order to care about your emotions. FI knows that I’m not going anywhere, but he still bends over backwards to support me, especially emotionally. I’m going through depression right now, and the other night I was unable to cook dinner. FI worked a 12 hour shift that ended at 10:30pm, and he still ran out the the store to get us food so we would have lunches the next day, and then came home and comforted me for an hour despite having to get up at 5:00 the next day. Your guy should want to be there for you, and should care about your emotions because you are important to him. It worries me that he seems to think you being upset is no big deal.
I’m sorry you’re hurt, but I do think you’re over reacting.
I don’t believe in “power” in a relationship. You’re either both in, or you’re not.
Judging your BF for weather or not he’s concerned that you’ll dump him is just plain Weird. If my FI thought I was going to “dump him” every time we disagreed, that would be cause for concern. Maybe he doesn’t think you’ll break up because he’s just committed to you, and thinks you are committed to him.
Also, I’m sure his comments weren’t meant to be hurtful, it sounded like he was being playfull, and really I dont know what twerking is? So I can’t help you there.
Like I said, I am sorry you’re hurt.. But it sounds like you’re reading way to much into it, if you ask me.
@pictureaccount: I have tried to be sexy for my FH and he has laughed at me on more than one occasion because I probably looked ridiculous. I laughed right back with him, stopped all the fancy moves & just jumped him. Laughing at me was the last thing on his mind at that point…..
@Sunfire: Not too harsh 🙂 If I went into my whole childhood it would take forever (lol) but a few things that have probably contributed is being bullied pretty roughly for basically 10 years straight, and having a dad who divorced my mom (and I didn’t see it coming at all- they never fought). I’ve basically grown up to not trust anyone or believe that anyone actually likes me. (Back in school, people would pretend to be my friend and then I’d find out it was a joke, lol)
I have a sense of humor about my past (and I love my parents despite the divorce) but it’s true that these issues aren’t my SO’s fault. I guess it was just the tipping point for me, because I feel like he just doesn’t like me as much as I like him, as childlish as that sounds. He does stupid things and has imperfections but I NEVER point it out to him!