Post # 1
I’m pretty upset with FI right now and I wanted to see what you guys thought or how you would respond.
For some background, we’re having a jewish wedding (we’re not particularly religious, but it’s important to our families). As part of a jewish wedding, the bride and groom and two witnesses sign the Ketubah, a marriage contract. Tradtionally the witnesses must be adult male non-family observant jews, but more modern/less observant jews often just choose two people they are close to, who they want to honor.The ketubah is typically a very pretty, decorated document that people hang in their homes.
Ok, so FI has a friend Joe who he did not choose to be a groomsmen (he could have – he has 4 groomsmen and I have 5 bridesmaids, but he felt they weren’t THAT close). Joe felt slighted, as he felt that they were good friends, and asked FI why he wasn’t chosen, putting FI in a very awkward position. Joe brought it up again last night when he and FI were at dinner and FI said that he wanted Joe to be one of the Ketubah signers.
This was news to me! We hadn’t talked about who would be signing it yet but I’m pretty upset that FI picked somebody and spoke to them without even talking to me about it! To make matters worse, this isn’t one of my favorite of FI’s friends, and now I’m going to be stuck with his signature on my marriage contract forever. FI couldn’t understand why I was upset, saying that he picked his person and I could pick my own, which didn’t help matters – we’re getting married and should be making decisions together!
I’m not sure what to do. I know that asking FI to somehow take Joe out of this role will place him in an even more awkward and uncomfortable situation, which I don’t want. However, I feel like I’m going to have this document/artwork that is supposed to represent our relationship, but to me it’s going to represent us not communicating or making decisions together, and me being upset. And it’s supposed to hang on our wall in the home we build together. What would you do in this situation? Try to get Joe off the ketubah? Just get over it?
Post # 3
Your signatures are more important than any other signature on there.
He picked his person, I don’t think he can un-ask the dude.
Just pick your person and make sure it’s someone who you really like to help balance it out. 🙂
Post # 4
- Wedding: January 2013 - Harbourfront Grand Hall
@BirdieNY: WHOOAAAAA. Mountain out of a mole hill. Pick your person and move on.
Yeah, FI probably should have mentioned it to you but when Joe put him on the spot it was an easy way out to make Joe happy. This is not going to ruin your marriage document and I’m sure Joe’s signature is not going to be the focal point of the document.
Post # 5
You are waaaay overreacting.
You’re going to hang that document, and almost never look at it. I promise you will not stand there in your house and stare at the Ketubah EVER, and neither will anyone else.
Post # 6
@BirdieNY: I feel hesitant to respond because I know nothing of Jewish faith or traditions, but that aside, I don’t understand why it’s wrong of your FI to be able to choose someone he wants and you choose someone you want.
I get it. It’s an important document. Ours was signed by our MOH and Best Man. it isn’t something we hang in our home, BUT the church did give us a beautifully decorated mock one to hang up if we wanted.
I guess, for me, I don’t see the big deal. If your FI really wants to include this guy on that, I say let him. If you truly believe you will walk by your document every day and sneer at it because it has a name of someone you don’t like then I think that’s quite ridiculous. I personally didn’t find this that important. As long as it was signed I didn’t care. We are married either way.
Post # 7
I wouldn’t let 1 signature tarnish the memory that your marriage contract holds. He found someone, you need to do the same. I’d just get over this and stress better communication moving forward.
Post # 8
Sorry, I think you’re overreacting. You’re deciding together to get married and you both sign the contract. That’s what’s important.
Marriage is about making decisions together, yes, but not every single decision about every single detail must be made together. There must also be trust that your partner is able to make decisions on his own and that you will be there to back him up with those decisions.
Post # 9
- Wedding: July 2013 - The front lawn of our church
@BirdieNY: Sorry, but I agree with the people who say you’re blowing this out of proportion. Use this opportunity to practice getting over things that are out of your control. I can guarantee you, it will happen a lot in your marriage:) Honestly, I can not stand DH’s best man. They’re really not friends anymore so IDK why he chose him as the best man. Ya, his signature is on our marriage certificate and I wish he would have chosen someone else but that’s certainly not what I think about when I see our marriage certificate.
Post # 10
@KC-2722: +1. While I understand why you are upset, there’s nothing you can do about it, unfortunately. I would let FI know you’d prefer to run things by each other in the future and then try to let it go.
Post # 11
My reaction at this point would be to apologize for overreacting.
Sorry, but I think you’re making such an issue over something that shouldn’t be. He picked his friend to do something important for him. Pick your person and move on.
Post # 12
@BirdieNY: I completly understand where you’re coming from, but I would just let it go. You will have more important things to worry about, and maybe you can laugh about it in the future.
We are having a small wedding with our closest friends and family, therefore, we have a small bridal party of 6. FI drops on me recently that he’s asking his friend Rob to be a groomsman. No joke, I said, “WHO’S ROB???” He’s a friend of his he was tight with when he lived out of state, but I have NEVER met, spoken to or even seen a picture of this guy!! I was pissed at first, but then I decided to forget it b/c it’s not my problem.
He can have Larry, Mo and Curly up there with him for all I care!!!!
Post # 13
@BirdieNY: Yeah…I don’t get why you’re upset either. To me this is kind of a, you pick yours and I’ll pick mine, situation. And I get that its going to be on the wall, but are you really going to let the fact that you didn’t pick the guy’s signature on that thing bother you?
Post # 14
I agree with everyone else. It will only “tarnish” the document if YOU allow it to.
Post # 15
Thanks everyone for providing some perspective. I’ve been very stressed lately (over wedding and non-wedding stuff), so that didn’t help matters. I’m still annoyed, but will get over it. There are more important things in the world than who signs the contract, but it is important to me that FI knows that I’d like to make decisions like this together, in the future.
Post # 16
I’m glad you’re feeling better about it. I just wanted to add in that even if it is overreacting, I would have freaked out too! I think you should both apologize.