(Closed) Upset with FI…I hate his "friend"

posted 5 years ago in Emotional
Post # 4
Member
11760 posts
Sugar Beekeeper
  • Wedding: November 1999

What is the nature of the e-mails? Since you never asked him to cut contact with her I don’t think you can really be upset at the contact. However, if you did ask and he said he would and is sneaking around now that is different. I wouldn’t handle this well at all – if my FI had any contact with ex-gfs/hookups then he wouldn’t be my FI plain and simple.  When we started dating, we removed all exes from cell phone contacts/facebook/etc.

Post # 5
Member
5083 posts
Bee Keeper
  • Wedding: October 2012

Does he act like this with his other girl friends?  Why is he sneaking around with this one?

I’m all for guys having female friends but this feels weird

 

Post # 6
Member
429 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: October 2012

Oh man did you touch a nerve.  Before I was with him, he had dated a girl for 3 years.  I thought she was a nice girl and we had all gone to the same university so I was aquainted with her.  It made me slightly uncomfortable during the begining; why were they still in contact after their breakup?

Aparantly she thought that they were only “on a break” and wanted him back; she attacked me with terrible words through email.  She said if it was not for me she would be happy, I was a terrible person, I was stupid for not seeing that he still loved her, all those things one says when they are deeply hurt.  Well I was devastated and cried to him.  He realized it was difficult for me to deal with his horrible ex (nice to everyone else) and when she called him or emailed him he stopped answering.  She got the hint.

I’m sorry you are going through this.  It’s hard to live with this floating over your head and it messes up your self esteem.  Chin up, talk to him but not in a confrontation sort of way.  Hope it works out. 

Post # 8
Member
200 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: October 2012

I’m speaking from personal experience when I say this, but if your gut instinct is warning you about this girl, then you need to confront your FI about her.  If their relationship is innapropriate in your eyes then you need to say so for your own peace of mind.

I had a similar experience with FI’s friend.  I don’t have a jealous bone in my body and FI has many female friends that I really like and get along with.  Except for that one girl.  There was something about her behaviour that I just didn’t like.  To make a long story short, she ended up taking a nursing contract in the town where we live, during a time she knew I was gonna be out of town for a few days.  Then she “lost” her appartment and asked FI if she could stay at our place until the end of her contract.  I told FI that if she set foot in our house, I was not coming back from my trip and that would be it for us.  Out of respect for me, he told her no.  Then she started posting pictures on FB of him and her and making comments like “Thanks X for making my stay very special”.  A mutual friend saw the pictures and comments and contacted me to know if FI and I had broken up.  I was livid and told FI that he needed to speak to her ASAP.  When FI finally confronted her, she admitted she had feelings for him.  He decided to take his distance from her.  

Sorry to highjack your thread but the point I’m trying to make, is that if something doesn’t feel right, for the sake of your relationship, take the initiative and talk to FI and explain to him how this relationship he has with this woman is making you feel.  Ask him how he would feel if the role were reversed.  You guys are comitted to one another and he should take your feelings into consideration.  

Good luck with everything.

Post # 9
Member
11760 posts
Sugar Beekeeper
  • Wedding: November 1999

I think you should make it very clear that you are not okay with him contacting her and that he needs to cut it off. If you are his #1 (and you arent asking fo rhim to cut contact with every female friend) he should have no proiblem with this. Men are oblivious to this stuff sometimes and he may not have understood you before that he wasnt “allowed” to talk to her. Make it clear to him and see what happens next…Really sorry you’re going through this. I have been in these situations with exes in the past and it’s a really awful feeling.

Post # 10
Member
9625 posts
Buzzing Beekeeper
  • Wedding: September 2012

@TinaJade:  In my opinion the fact that this is upsetting you should be enough for him to stop it. 

Did you take my advice from the previous thread and ask him how would feel if a guy you’d slept with in the past, who still wanted you, continually emailed and contacted you back and forth?  If he is ok with your doing the exact same thing then you have a lot to think about.  My thoughts are that he would NOT want you doing this.  How can he justify doing it?  (In the case he wouldn’t want you doing it, that is).

I would not want to be with someone who wouldn’t put my wishes about something like this above the preference of the “ex” or “friend.”  Because I would have to ask myself how valuable am I to him, in his life, if he continues to do something that he KNOWS, without a doubt, is hurting me?

That’s wrong of him to do to you, IMO.  Are you really sure he’s the right one for you to marry?  What else will he do to hurt you in the future and not even take your feelings about it into consideration?  You might want to think really hard about this.

Post # 11
Member
3832 posts
Honey bee
  • Wedding: November 1999

@goodgenie:  i’m speaking from personal experience when I say this, but if your gut instinct is warning you about this girl, then you need to confront your FI about her.

This. Go with your gut always. 

Post # 12
Member
11760 posts
Sugar Beekeeper
  • Wedding: November 1999

@Sunfire:  In my opinion the fact that this is upsetting you should be enough for him to stop it. 

Yes, THIS exactly!!!

Post # 13
Member
9625 posts
Buzzing Beekeeper
  • Wedding: September 2012

@MrsWBS:  Yeah . . . when a man really loves you the last thing he wants to ever do is cause you any pain.  My FI would never do something so blatantly to me that he knew would hurt me as much as this is hurting her.  Right or wrong, the fact is it’s hurting her and he is still doing it.  Makes me wonder, I swear.

Post # 16
Member
2117 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: October 2013

Trust your instincts.

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