Post # 1
Newest in-law drama.
3 days ago, I got a call inviting us to FI’s aunt’s house for a family get together. I told her we have a lot going on (just moved into a new house last weekend) and have a lot to get done but I’d talk to FI. Talked to FI, we both agree we have a lot going on and would love Sunday to enjoy the house. We really haven’t gotten time to… last weekend was moving and we work opposite shifts all week.
SO… next day, FI gets a call from his mom. Guilt tripping him to go. For 30 minutes. Then a call from dad. Same thing for 30 mins.
THEN his brother, wanting to him to go to hang out (I get this).
So we start to get suspicious. Maybe it’s a bigger event than we think?
FI goes to his parent’s house yesterday to pick up some stuff and continues to be pressured into going. He finally breaks and asks why they need us there so bad. No reason. Nothing. It’s not a holiday, birthday, anything.
So then FI is even more upset and finally says “let’s just go and leave early.” Mind you, this aunt is over an hour away, and leaving early would mean driving over an hour, staying for 2 hours, and driving over an hour back. And it would still dominate our day. They want us there for 12, we’d leave here at 11 and get back at 3pm or later stuffed and not wanting to do anything.
FI totally agrees, wants a day to BBQ and have a fire and enjoy our house but his family WILL NOT BACK OFF.
Talking to FSIL, this is how it’s always been. There’s always guilt trips and everyone has to go to EVERYTHING. We’ve never really missed anything before so it’s never been an issue.
BUT HOLY CRAP YOUD THINK THE WORLD WAS GOING TO END!!!
Does anyone else go through this??
Post # 3
- Wedding: October 2014 - Church
@Jw1724: No, but I think that he should put his foot down or it will set a precedent that if they just pester then you guys will always end up going. Not cool. Just tell them you are both really tired but would love having everyone over for a bbq the following week, or whatever, as a compromise. There isn’t any reason why you should have to go to a bbq. Ugh.
Post # 4
@laceydoilies: I told him the same. We need to put our foot down now or it will only get worse in the future. He thought about that and agreed. He’s seen what his brother has gone through with his family (he has 2 daughters and omg the issues if they can’t make it to something… god forbid they spend a holiday with his wife’s family…)
Post # 5
I’d be upset! You have a valid reason for skipping a no-reason get together. I agree with PP, stand your ground or this will be a common occurrence in your married life. Boundaries will be important with these in-laws apparently!
take some time and enjoy your new home, congratulations!
Post # 6
YES, we go through this with every holiday or non-holiday get together. If we say we can’t come for whatever reason, the calls start. The guilt tripping starts. They don’t let up until my SO agrees to go. And if my mom wants to do something? Oh well!
I really think the solution is your FI needs to put his foot down. I sure wish my SO would! It’s to the point that we are required to spend EVERY SINGLE holiday there. Even small ones like Veterans Day and such that really mean nothing to his parents other than an excuse to make us come over. Nevermind that nobody in his family is a veteran and most of my family is. Too bad for my family. Ugh. I feel your frustration 100%!!!!!!
Post # 7
Yes, I would be upset by the pressure. I have been in similar situations with some members of my extended family — the nagging, the relentless pressure, not taking “no” for an answer, blah blah blah.
I totally understand why you gave in and said “yes” this time — but I agree with PPs that you have to put your foot down next time. (Edited because I misunderstood OP’s post.)
The key to saying “no” is to do it nicely. No attitude, no raising your voice, no cranky facial expressions, etc. Put on your teflon suit of armor and whatever words or drama they fling at you will slide right off.
Just smile and say “no.”
If they ask “Why,” your answer is “Because I can’t.”
The broken record technique works well with people who pressure you to get their way…. just keep nicely saying “No” and “I’m sorry, I can’t.” Eventually they will get tired of their game and give up.
Also, don’t be afraid to not answer the phone when they call, and take 24-48 hours to return their messages. Another trick that works well is to return their calls at odd times when you know they’re not available, at work, etc.
Post # 8
@BelliniChic: Oh we are NOT going lol. But I totally agree!
Post # 9
Oh whoops, I missed that part.
Well, good for you… stick to your guns. Once you “train” them they will probably learn not to keep testing you like this in the years to come.
It’s really silly and pointless, isn’t it?! I hate it when people do that!
Post # 10
- Wedding: October 2014 - Church
@Jw1724: Good for you! That is so selfish of them that they get upset about his sister’s husband wanting time with them at holiday and such. However, the problem is the enabling. It’s almost like training children 😛 It won’t be easy but you’ll get through it.
ETA: Be nice about it and like pp stated don’t answer right away (it’s okay to screen calls sometimes)
Post # 11
It’s not as if you had lots of notice that this event were taking place and I think it’s rude to assume that you will just drop everything and go. I would have just said that you have plans that day (you do) and not elaborate.