Urghh.. What a weekend… Apparently I am not patient!

posted 3 years ago in Waiting
Post # 3
Member
1460 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: July 2017 - Bristol zoo

Aww sweety <3 I’m so sorry you’re feeling like this (and that there have been no significant developments since I last spoke to you).

 

Would it be at all be beneficial to sit him down and just bluntly asking what his plan is or if he has one at all? At this point I really think that you deserve a little more insight.

 

With the first couple of comments, I definitely know how you feel, BF will occasionally make comments about being with me forever/ holding onto me. My go to line for this is something like “well you know there’s one way to make sure of that?” which is possibly the easiest set up I could create for him to be sweet and say “yes because I’m going to marry you! :D” or similar. But no, generally I get told I’m getting locked up in the basement (which is fitting with our humour but significantly less romantic).

Last time I got fed up and asked him why he never says he wants to marry me, according to him it’s hard for men to say that kind of thing… which is a load of arse in my mind haha.

But my point is – maybe your SO made the comment about marrying someone soppy without thinking too hard and when questioned about it felt quite embarrassed? Because he had put himself in a more vunerable position than intended and not because he didn’t mean it.

 

Anyway hope you feel better feel better soon lonely! <3

Post # 4
Member
3016 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: July 2014 - Prague

@MaidMarian:  I agree. I’d need to have a conversation.

I dont’ know anything about the waiting boards, or if being in the pact means you have decided AGAINST having a discussion, but I wouldn’t be able to do that. 

Just from this one post I feel how confused and frustrated you must feel b/c he seems to be saying two things! I’d need to have a very clear idea, if not an actual timeline.

Post # 5
Member
932 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: October 2013

Awe, I feel bad for you… that is not a good feeling and I totally understand… I was in a relationship with someone for 8 years who played those kinds of games and totally strung it out, we broke up after four and then got back together, he talked all the marriage talk and even when as far as the ring, but never had any plans on getting married. 

True love does no harm and if those are his intentions, he should tell you rather than play games with your emotions, I think you might be best served, asking him, what are your plans and when do you plan to do it.  If he doesnt give you a straight answer then when you willl have to decide whether or not it is worth waiting it out to see if it happens.

None the less, nobody deserves to be strung along, it is not a good feeling.  While each situation is different, if I could do it over again, there were many warning signs that I chose to avoid with my first engagement.  He ended up backing out.

 

What this husband taught me is that when  a man loves you, even if he has some fears, (not doubts), he will move heaven earth to be with you.

Have a dialouge on neutral territory and try to get a straight answere.

 

Stay encouraged.

 

 

 

Post # 6
Member
2455 posts
Buzzing bee

@LilMonkey:  Honestly, I don’t want to get your hopes up, but between the “girl I’m marrying” slip up and the not wanting to shop for rings…sounds like he already has a ring.

Once the ring was in my FI’s possession I caught a couple emails and overheard a couple phone calls (mainly with his work) referring to me as “Fiance”. Once he had the ring he had already had it set in his mind that we were getting married before he even proposed. (And he didn’t know I knew he had the ring lol)

Just a thought…he might already have and he doesn’t want to shop for fear you’ll fall in love with something different.

Post # 7
Member
523 posts
Busy bee

I think it would be beneficial to have an actual honest to God conversation about what kind of timeline he’s looking at. No “joking” on his part!!

The SIUP is great but I think in your case if you can have a great conversation and know what the timeframe will be I think it will help you so much more.

Post # 9
Member
2562 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: March 2014

You need to have a serious talk – gettng engaged isn’t something to joke about (at least not in my book) and his joking is blatently disregarding your hurt feelings – he knows he’s hurting you and keeps it up.

Just from this, it sounds like he might be scared (or just plain not ready/ doesn’t want to) and I think it might be best for you if you REALLY understood whether you were on the same page.
I don’t think he has the ring, I think he’s avoiding even talking about it, and doing a good job of it so far.

“Wanting X amount of kids and moving into a house by X date, you’ll do the cooking and I’ll do the laundry, we’ll have this kind of life” isn’t talking about your future together – I used to think that… I was wrong. It’s talking about the really hard things honestly that shows you whether or not you’re really on the same page.
If he can’t talk about it now, will he ever be able to talk about it?

You’re ready, he’s obviously not… doesn’t mean you should get engaged, but why is this whole game on his terms and his terms only?

[ETA] Sorry if I sound harsh, but playing jokes with an egnagement was never something I had much tolerance for. 😛
I am annoyed for you!!! 🙁

Post # 10
Member
1460 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: July 2017 - Bristol zoo

@LilMonkey:  I don’t think you were wrong to assume that he may have gotten the ball rolling but it also seems quite clear that he hasn’t and isn’t really planning to soon? I know I couldn’t handle a discrepancy like that.

I’m super proud of you staying quiet for so long! 😀 But the playing field has changed now and you deserve some clarification of what’s going on.

 

And no I don’t think you’re selfish at all <3

Post # 11
Member
932 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: October 2013

@LilMonkey:  I certainly hope he wouldnt do that…. and I wish you all the best, communication is key…..

Post # 12
Member
2253 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: September 2014

@CakeyP:  agreed! 

 

@LilMonkey:  instead of trying to interpret or read into his comments and jokes, you should sit down and calmly have a serious discussion about your expectations for the relationship

Post # 13
Member
4031 posts
Honey bee
  • Wedding: December 2013

I’m with PPs…a conversation is needed. What would have frustrated me was the “You know I’ll marry you…when I get around to it.” Even unintentionally, that’s kind of a cruel comment when one partner knows the other is ready to get married. Talk with him. Tell him that four years is not quick and that you need to decide together on a realistic timeline to get married. My husband is a jokster too at times, but I specifically told him there were two things he was not allowed to joke about. 1) The timeline for gettting engaged/married (this was a few years ago…he used to laugh when people would ask and say “I’m in the first year of a five year plan”) and now it’s 2) the timeline for when we have our first baby. It can be so hard when one of you is ready for something and the other acts or is not. The best thing is talking and making sure he knows that those type of comments are frustrating and hurtful. 

Post # 14
Member
2111 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: September 2015

I worked at a jewelery store over Christmas and was so sad for this one woman who came in to look at rings. She asked her boyfriend about what he liked and budget and other stuff and he just said, “Sure, you can have a ring, but I’m not getting it for you. You’re just gonna be disappointed. You know I’m not proposing.” The girl was getting so upset, she actually started crying a bit. I don’t know how long they’d been together, but he was being mean about it and laughing at how upset she was getting. I felt so bad for her. All I could think was that he had to already have one. There’s no way you can be so mean unless you already have something in the works.

I sincerely hope he has something in mind for you already. I know they think it’s funny to wind us up, but there’s a limit. 

Post # 15
Member
4031 posts
Honey bee
  • Wedding: December 2013

@HonoraryNerd:  That’s really cruel. Poor girl. Even if he had something in the works, I would’ve socked my husband if that had been how he “threw me off”. I agree…joking is usually to take some of the pressure off, but we each have our line. 

Post # 16
Member
173 posts
Blushing bee

@LilMonkey:  oh no 🙁 I hope his little “jokes” are just coming off as grating based on my reading skills, not based on his personality! It’s no fun to have something you take veryyyy seriously made fun of by the person you care about. I know my SO affectionately teases me about some of my hobbies, but it’s never… cruel.

It’s up to you & what you need to feel comfortable/confident in your relationship but, I think he has opened the door a bit to a more serious conversation re: timeline and expectations. If he DID hurt your feelings, I think it is also important to tell him what he did and how it made you feel. Especially if he has a jokester personality, he may not realize that his words hurt.  All in all, I think it is worth it to have a calm, mature talk as partners about timeline. For something like “money and work things” stopping him, I’d push him to define those more, and make it clear that (1) money/ring/size/stone/etc doesn’t matter to you (unless that is not true) and (2) you love and support him, and whatever he needs/wants to accomplish, you will be there regardless of if it’s as his GF/FI/wife (as long as that’s also true).

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