Post # 1
So, I have trawled some of the posts regarding the negotiation of name change post-marriage, but haven’t found an answer to my particular query. I am hoping that some of the other Dr. Bees can help me out on this one.
Whilst I have objections to using my husband’s surname for feminist reasons, he feels strongly about the idea of a unifying surname. I have decided to accept the use of his surname socially, however I still have one nagging concern.
We are both medical doctors & the thought of being addressed as ‘Dr. & Ms. HisLastname’ makes be boil with feminist ire. I will absolutely be retaining ‘Dr. MyLastname’ professionally, but I cannot decide if it’s appropriate to continue to nominate ‘Dr.’ as my title when using his surname, especially as I will never practice under his name in a professional capacity.
I should point out that if my husband did not have a professional title, this would not be a problem. I am quite comfortable with being adressed as ‘Mr. & Ms. HisLastname’. My objection is in the contrast of our titles when addressed as a couple, that people have an automatic instict to demote me professionally in favour of my marital status. Far too many family & friends have been quick to use ‘Dr. & Mrs. HisLasname’, and I find the presumption quite offensive.
So, just wondering how any other Dr. Bees have approached this issue? Thoughts?
Post # 3
@alacoque: I wonder if people could say Doctor John and Doctor June Smith. So Dr and Dr Smith.
I understand why you want to be recognized by your proper title. You both worked hard to be MD’s 🙂
I bet you won’t find too many people with this particular problem… haha
Post # 4
I know when addressing wedding invites that you put The Doctors lastname. Would that work better for you?
Post # 5
FI’s parents are both MDs, and I know they get addressed as Dr. and Dr. Lastname or The Drs. Lastname.
Post # 6
I read that whoever is a Dr you put first even if it’s the female. I would think you would BOTH be addressed as doctor as the title commands the respect no matter your gender. I couldn’t imagine sending a couple who are both doctors as dr and mrs. As if her title doesn’t have any merit!?
Post # 7
@alacoque: Going by your husband’s last name socially doesn’t negate your professional title; you remain a doctor regardless of what last name you choose to go by, and if you were taking his name legally, you’d be Dr. Hislastname; no reason you wouldn’t be when using it socially, as well. Addressing you both socially would then be The Doctors Hislasname.
That said, using one name professionally and one socially, and also having a professional title, is liable to lead to honest mistakes in address, so try to bear that in mind before you turn your ire on anyone addressing you in a non-preferred manner. My mother is a doctor who kept her own name (professionally and socially) and my father is not, and over the years I’ve heard her addressed in every possible variation on the combinations of Dr, Mrs, Ms, and each of their last names. It’s always clear who the speaker means, and if it’s a consequential matter, it’s easy to correct them politely.
I once got a bit miffed on her behalf when they got some junk mail addressed to Dr. and Mrs. Dadslastname, since neither of those people actually exists.
Post # 8
I’m not a doctor, and I changed my name to First Maiden HisLast. I use all three of my names. However, if I were you, and I did not take my husband’s last name legally, I would not want people to refer to me as Dr. Hislastname, since you do not practice under that name.
I would either want to be referred to as “Dr. Jane Smith and Dr. John Doe” or “Mr. and Mrs. Doe.”
Post # 9
@Brielle: “I would either want to be referred to as “Dr. Jane Smith and Dr. John Doe” or “Mr. and Mrs. Doe.”
This is a good solution! FI and I are both doctors and this sounds like the most logical and etiquette-ly correct way about it.
Post # 10
@alacoque: If this is just a question for social situations- when are you being introduced by your title and last name and not by your first name?
I don’t mean to sound silly, but even in professional settings I have only ever had doctors introduce themselves to me using their first name.
Post # 11
you are correct. Dr and Mrs is incorrect. It should be either Mr. And Mrs. or Drs.
Also, if he’s the one who wants a shared surname did he consider taking yours? That’s what my husband’s doing. I know a lot of women are very happy to change their name, but for thise of us that aren’t thrilled with the orispect, there are other options!
Post # 12
We will eventually be Dr. And Mr. I’m going to be a physician and he is not. I plan on being addressed as doctor both socially and professionally. He is proud of my career choice and does not see it as embarrassing that we have different titles. However, I will be taking his name. I thought my whole life that I would maybe keep mine, but due to some personal family issues over the last couple years, I’d rather not have my family name.
Post # 13
It is your choice. My fiance is a retired army officer. I attended a formal function with him, where his CO and wife were formally introduced as they made their entrance as Col X and Dr Y. She was a PhD, not and MD, and had retained her maiden name.
If you are both doctors, you would both be referred to as Dr, on formal introduction, if you choose to use that title both professionally and privately.