Post # 1
Ok so, my FMIL suggested that I use the JP/Officiant they had…and I was kinda open minded to that, kind of a subtle tip of the hat to thier successful marriage…until she said that the JP can mention how she married them (my future in laws) and how it’s their 30th year together that year during the ceremony. THAT…I feel unhappy with for a few reasons (BUT I may be overthinking it).
Reason #1 – My parents had a disappointing marriage (for both of them) and are going through some messy emotional lawsuits currently about my dad’s lack of payments. So there’s really nothing any JP can say about my parents to give them a tip of the hat. Somehow I feel the lack of being able to say anything about them is a big sign pointing at my family and saying…”and the bride’s parents are miserable divorced people so lets not say anything about them”…and they truly are…but I don’t want to be reminded of that during the ceremony moment, and my mom’s still emotional about her divorce. BUT a couple being married 30 years is truly something to celebrate and should my family’s separation really affect that?
Reason #2 – Isn’t that kind of distracting from our union? Shouldn’t the ceremony be 100% about our pledges and love? I don’t mind having a special 30th anniversary dance for them at the reception, but at the ceremony I want only my FI in my mind and not thinking about emulating someone else’s success/happiness.
So now I’m finally starting to search for JP’s and I’m nervous about if I involve my FI’s mom or not. She’s been sweet and supportive and I’d hate to disappoint her. But like I said I feel uncomfortable for the reasons above…and I’m not sure if I’m overthinking it…
What would you do?
Post # 3
I assume JP means justice of peace or something like that? I kinda like the idea of using an officiant who has meaning to your FIs family. Much better than a random person on the internet! Unless you are getting married a few days before or after their anniversary, I think it would be odd to mention your inlaws anniversary at your ceremony.
Could you write a note in the program instead? It wouldn’t draw as much attention but still acknowlege their anniversary!
Post # 4
@CityBearBride: Their anniversary is a few months prior to it
Post # 5
I think your MIL is being rude in suggesting that the JP mentions that he married your IL’s and that they have been married for 30 years. I feel that a ceremony is about you and your FI joining your lives together and committing yourselves to one another for the rest of your lives.
I don’t believe that a ceremony is to give kudos to anyone for 30 years of marriage. If you MIL feels that she would like you to mention it then you can mention it in the speech.
Post # 6
@Merrymarbles: Your reasoning makes perfect sense to me. I agree that it would be very special to have the same officiant, and maybe even a good omen if you’re superstitious. And I also agree that mentioning the in-laws long marriage is kind of rubbing your parents’ current unhappiness in their faces, unnecessarily. If your mother in law is as sweet and supportive as you mention, she will probably understand this completely when you explain it. It probably never occured to her. And if she isn’t familiar with your parents’ situation, you don’t have to tell her all their business, just that they are going through a rough time and you don’t want to highlight that during your ceremony. If you do go with that JP, make sure the JP knows that while you are thrilled and honored, you don’t want any mention of the in-laws during your ceremony. I think your in-laws should/will find it meaningful enough that you chose their JP. The llittle benefit they would gain from mentioning them during the ceremony is not worth the pain it is likely to cause to your parents. I bet your FMIL will agree, and I think you’re being very considerate and reasonable to everyone!
Post # 7
This is an issue that you have to decide yourself because only you know how your mother will react and how that will make you feel on your wedding day (hopefully your inlaws will be understanding about the issue – they may not have thought of it from that perspective). However, I don’t think it would be inconsiderate to your parents situation if the JP was to say something like:
“This is a particularly special day for me because I had the privilege of marrying FI’s parents 30 years ago…”
This lets all of your guests in on the fact that your JP also married your FI’s parents, but doesn’t really single your parents out by going on about their successful marriage… make sense? This way, the focus isn’t on the successful marriage, but the neat fact that your JP also married them.
Post # 8
@EastCoastBee: I second this comment!
Post # 9
Thanks so much for everyone’s advice. I was on board for using their JP/Officiant thanks to everyone and their feedback…that is until…I asked for the contact information and I found out that their JP/Officiant is quite elderly and lives many states away (I’m at the top of the east coast and they’re on the very bottom)…I’m concerned that those 2 circumstances may be too much inconvenient for all parties involved. And also, I believe they would charge us a fee (understandably so of course! considering the inconvenience!) on top of needing a meal/spot at our smaller wedding.
So now I’m back to being undecided. Sorry all.
Post # 10
I would just pick someone who you are comfortable with. The thought of doing something like that for family is nice, but sometimes its just not feasable. Really, is it very important for your FI? You never mentioned it, so I doubt he cares. So pick someone else.
It could be worse…my FMIL passed away 2 weeks ago. FFIL wanted the minister who did her funeral to officiate our wedding. Um…no thanks. It was rather akward lol