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Cool stuff, huh? Yeah. Pretty sure my BM is a clepto and last night I couldn't sleep just worrying about it. Here's the abridged version (and keep in mind that I never claimed to be the best decision maker):
Right after I got engaged my FI threw me a suprise birthday party at our apartment. My BM and new her roommate (who I didn't know well at all) were there, they were the only ones to leave and shortly after their departure my bank alerted me of a low balance in my checking account (thank god for online banking and blackberrys). Eventually I realized my wallet had been stolen, which contained lots of cash as we were going on vacation 2 days later. And purchases made on my card. I'm horrible with confrontation so in the end, it was decided that my BM's friend was the culprit and I wrote her out of my life. The end. But it wasn't. Our mutual friends from college had all been harboring secret suspicions about her. While in college they'd all had separate instances where theft was involved, she was always the common denominator but no one had definitive proof so no one spoke up. Until months after this happened and we all confessioned, and thus connected the dots. Then, last week, while at my BM's house for her birthday party, another friend found that cash had been stolen out of her wallet, which was hidden deep in my BM's closet. Only she and the friend that put it there had known it was there.
Anyway, I can't believe I have to worry about my BM in this way. I thought I'd just have to worry about her alcohol intake! These are supposed to be people you trust. It seems obvious to me now, now that its too late, that its a problem she has, she's done this to every single one of her closest friends.
Now, here's the wedding related issue. My rehearsal dinner is at my parents house. My BM's are supposed to sleep there in the guest bedrooms the night before the wedding. I am petrified to let her be there! I won't trust her alone for a minute. Not to go to the bathroom, not to sleep in a guest bedroom alone. My parents have a lot of nice stuff. If she stole something of theirs I think I'd literally become violent for the first time in my life. That's a major violation and it doesn't seem to be something she wouldn't do. If she's stolen from her best friends, why wouldn't she steal from their parents house?
What do I do? If anything at all?
Yikes, that is hard. I think you have 3 options. I'll list from most confrontational to least.
1) Kick her out of the wedding. This is only an option if you are done being friends with her (clepto-ness seems like a good reason for that to me) and if you don't have mutual friends that would be put in the middle on this. Also, you better be DAMN SURE that she is actually a clepto.
2) Confront her with all the evidence, and when she denies tell her that you hope she isn't lying but that you WILL be paying attention in the future-- particularly when she is staying at your parents house.
3) Don't say anything but make sure you never give her an opportunity, including not having your BMs stay at your parents house.
Wow...this is tough in every direction! I think that no matter what you do, you're either going to allow her to be able to steal from you/your parents again, or you're going to hurt her feelings so badly that she won't want to be friends with you anymore. So, I think it's a matter of, do you still want her in your wedding, and do you still want her as a friend. Obviously you care about her, but if she's the common denominator in all of these thefts, then you almost have to confront her about it.
This is such a touchy subject though that she's almost guaranteed to flip out at you and end the friendship. If you're ok with that, then confront her. Otherwise, I wouldn't let her stay at your parents' house. She might even steal something from the reception if she can. So just be careful. Having her at the wedding may guarantee that someone's things are stolen.
I couldn't be friends with someone like that and would kick her out so fast that her head would spin.
Trust is a serious issue to me, and I want to feel comfortable in all situations with the people I call my friends.
I think after finding a friend's stolen cash in BM's closet you & other friends should intervene. Your friend sounds like she has a serious problem if she is stealing from the people closest to her and she may need professional help. Do you think she has a drug, alcohol, gambling or any other addiction? This can cause people to steal money/valuables from the people they love because their addiction takes over their life. I would go into it from that angle. That you aren't attacking her but you all know she has stolen from you and she needs help. I think if she owns up to her problems then keep her in the wedding but tell her you don't feel comfortable with her staying at your parents house and will have other friends watching her at the wedding. If she denies it then I think you need to tell her flat out you don't trust her and you have evidence to prove she did steal from you and other friends. Then maybe take her out of the wedding. By knowing she is stealing and putting her in your parents house and at your reception (where ladies leave their purses on the tables to dance, get drinks, etc b/c it's a wedding among friends) you are basically giving her free reign for her steal from your parents & guests (tough way to look at it but it's true).
i'm very sorry you have to deal with this, it's a difficult situation.
This is really hard! I don't feel comfortable confronting her. Because the info that I have relating to my other friends was confidential. I can't give them up. So it'd just be me. I do care about her, we've been friends for 8 years but I don't trust her. None of us do. We are all really vigilant about securing our belongings when she's around now (how horrible is that?). But, we have so many mutual friends, this would be so awkward for me to deal with, especially before my wedding. It could really polarize our group of friends. I don't think I have the energy to deal with the drama.
I think somehow I have to change the plans for having the BM's sleep over the night before the wedding. I'll already be nervous, I shouldn't have another reason to be nervous. Do you think I should tell my other BM's of the issue? As it stands, they have no idea since they're not friends with her. And that way we can all be mindful of her actions at the rehearsal dinner.
@Soon@beeMrsM- she doesn't have a drug/alcohol/gambling problem but there must be something wrong. She's the type to never keep a job, she's my age (27) and she lives off of student loans, she stays in college to avoid the work force. So, my assumption is that theft supplements her limited income. I don't know. I do know that shortly after the wedding, I'll be moving out of town. I will most likely have to distance myself not by miles alone, but by communication too. Its just so crappy because we all travel together all the time. And what if I'm the only one willing to ever confront her? Won't I look like the untrusting chump?
You 100% need to tell your other BM's. They have a right to keep their money and valuables safe from other BM.
I don't think you'll look like the chump. I think you'll be the strong one that stood up to a friend who was doing something horribly wrong. She is ruining your friendship, not you and you need to remember that.
Um i think you need a new friend. Friends don't steal from each other. You need to talk to her, confront her....
and if you keep her in the wedding, let people know. Seriously, they need to know to keep their valuables safe.
unfortunately even though you dont want to confront her about it you do need to work it in a way that you have heard that things like this have happened in more than one situation and that she has lost your trust. personally i do feel you should be removing her from the wedding party, and not letting her attend the wedding. it is just way to risky. think about at the wedding and the presents and cards that will have cash and giftcards in them. sorry, but you need to let her go and make sure all doors are locked.
@ejs - "Um i think you need a new friend. Friends don't steal from each other." ah ha ha ha ha ha ha ha...... too true. Way to lay it out there.
Consider letting your other friends know that you'll be confronting her before you do it, that way you can feel out how they'll react. Or, you could always have a full on intervention.
Maybe move the sleepover to a hotel? You can leave valuables in a safe, and instruct the staff not to let her take anything. Say something about how you think there will be too much going on at your parents' house with relatives in town, etc. And yes, I would brief your other bms on the issues, if they don't know her. They have a right to know.
Well, actually, if it were me I would ask her to step down.
You definatly need to confront her about it. It's not fair to anyone else in your bridal party or your parents or even @ your wedding reception to have a KNOWN theif their. I think if your going to tell your other bridesmaids it's only fair to you BM that you talk to her about it. She needs to know that you know what she's been doing. I would also mention that other people have had money stolen too; don't mention they think its her but tell her you've heard them say someone took money from them @ a party & you are assuming it was her. If you have to take the grunt of it then so be it. It's the right thing to do all around. You can't just secure your belongings and have everyone on edge around her. That's like feeding the addiction. She'll just go the next step further.
If you can't confront her, I would not invite her to stay overnight. I'm sure she'll figure it out and if she does stay overnight you need to inform people of your suspicions. I would also be worried about how she is going to be on your wedding day with all of your gifts and checks coming in.
I would be very concerned about the card box at the wedding! I would also be very upset if, as another BM, my stuff got stolen at a sleepover because the bride did not warn me of her clepto "friend."
I appreciate all the advice, I really do. To be honest, it seems a lot easier to tell someone else what they should do in a situation like this. I haven't come to a final decision. I also don't plan on putting anyone else in a position to have their belongings stolen. I realize everyone has a right to know, I will be sure they're informed, either way I handle this.
I was never worried about the wedding day however because the gift table is next to my family's table and card box is with my step-father.
that seriously made my stomach churn.
i know you're probably in a sticky situation, but if i was in your shoes, my personality would not let me be discreet. i would confront her, call her out, and kick her out of my wedding party AND my life.
people like that at our age WON'T change and don't deserve a "second" chance when they've screwed over so many ppl already... "BEST FRIENDS??" what does that mean to that girl?!
Wow, first of all I'm so sorry that you're having to deal with this. Truly an un-bridesmaid like thing to do. Kleptomania, if that's what it is, is a very difficult thing to deal with. It's an impulse issue and is definitely something she should talk to a licensed professional about, even if it isn't kleptomania but another underlying issue. That being said, you certainly don't need that in your wedding. You need to sit down with her, talk to her about it, and I'd say it wouldn't be out of the question to ask her to bow out of the wedding (give her a chance to bow out, if she doesn't this is a rare occasion in which it's OK to boot her). I definitely wouldn't have her staying at your parents' house. That's so un-ok to steal from anybody, much less your friends (or their parents for that matter). I'd give her a chance to fess up and save face, but I wouldn't have her in the wedding.
My 2 cents.
Bon Chance,
-Bella
If you cant trust her than she isnt really a friend. She would have been gone as soon as I found out she stole from every other one of my friends. I think you are taking a HUGE risk keeping her in your wedding party. Do you really want her to ruin your wedding just because you're uncomfortable confronting her?? You need to do something now before something else happens. Good Luck.
I am just thinking of how much worse it would be if, after telling other BMs to be careful, it got back to clepto-BM that you were talking behind her back. If I had what appears to be a "disease," I would rather be confronted than hear that my friend had to warn the others about me.
I think you need to come out and ask her about it but I know that could be difficult.
If you'd like to avoid the drama of that conversation until after your wedding, instead of staying at your 'rents house, have a giant sleepover at a hotel suite and lock everyones things in the safe.
Easier said than done, I realize, but you and your friends should stage an intervention. If she denies it, she at least knows that you know...and hopefully will keep her sticky fingers away from you & your friends/family stuff. If it happens again, this person is NOT your friend.
Sorry to hear this has happened to all of you! :(
Why is this even up for debate? She is out of the wedding. Period. You can't have someone you can't trust in your wedding - staying at your parents house the night before. Unless you actually want the drama of it on YOUR day. You don't have to tell her why... "Because I am the bride, that's why." Deal with the theft issue later, after she is out of the wedding and things have settled down. I think her being in the wedding, and you confronting her theft are two issues that can be dealt with separately - getting her out of the wedding being issue of top priority because (a) you have to find another BM depending on your wedding details, and (b) you need time for things to calm down after she is told she is out of the wedding. You may decide to continue your friendship with her, which I can't imagine... but even if you, you can't put your family and your wedding day in jeopardy. Your parent's house will be the perfect place for someone to think they are going to get away with theft. A lot of people there with cash... and a lot of excitement going on so "no one would notice." Good luck!!
What was hidden deep in the closet again... the wallet or the cash from the wallet?
@misscamera- I think assuming my wedding will be ruined is a huge stretch.
@heathaah- its not a disease though it is a disorder. Its really not even my place to diagnose it. It could be a host of other things. I'm really not too concerned with her finding out that I said something.
I do plan on being honest with her. Again, I don't want to come off as being ungrateful for the advice, but its so hard for you to see the complexity of the situation I'm in. Without getting into it all, when I do confront her, it will make things more difficult for several of my other friends, even without giving them up. I won't do that, I won't even elude to them having suspicions. Anyway, I'm not worried as much about its effect on me. I have other circles of friends, so while I do care about her, ruining this friendship is far from a problem for me. I'm aware that a friend unworthy of trust isn't a friend at all, that's not something I'm struggling with. And I know I'm a social worker but its not my job to save her. You can't save them all. I'll point her in the direction of help and my hands will be washed.
Thanks again for all of your words though :(
I think you have no choice but to confront her about it. Chances are she will be pissed - whether she did it or not - but if you seriously think she's stealing, you clearly can't trust her. It's a really tough situation but I think she needs to be out of the wedding.
@Mrbee- my friend had her wallet in her purse. The money was taken from the purse but the wallet remained.
I think you should set her up, to see if you're right- invite her to a party or something where the only other guests are people you know are not stealing, IE make sure she's the only common denominator from you and the other girls she likely stole from, mark the money in your wallet somehow, and set up a hidden camera- like in the bedroom? have all the ladies put their things on your bed, coats purses etc. then just wait and see what you see...
@what2bee- my FI suggested the same thing! Lol. I don't have acesso to a hidden camera or else I swear I'd try it. The thing is though, it doesn't happen everytime we're together. Its happened 5 x's in the past 8 years.
First and foremost, I'm sorry you're having to go through this, especially during a special time like this.
I wanted to post an experience I had with a friend of mine who had a similar habit. Long story short, we were really good friends as well as co-workers. For WEEKS, our co-workers were reporting "mini" thefts. Pencil bags were missing from lockers, food was half eaten and replaced in lunch boxes (with dirty silverware included), and I had a nice sweatshirt stolen. Then, slowly but surely, the bigger items were turning up absent. One girl had her Blackberry stolen and another was missing credit cards from her wallet.
Several days later, I was checking in on my tax return via our bank's website at home. I noticed my credit card (one I share with DH) was $4 shy of being maxed out. Mind you, we had just received this card a week prior and I had yet to even sign the back of it! I ran for my purse and lo and behold, there was my credit card in my wallet upside down in its slot (which was clue #1 that something was wrong). I took it out to inspect it and not only was it bent down the middle but someone had signed my name!
Needless to say, I recognized the handwriting. I phoned our card company who said the charges were placed at Target. DH and I immediately hopped in the car to head to the police department. I had a sneaky suspicion it was my good friend but my heart didn't want to believe it. Within an hour, I was in Target positively identifying my friend, on camera, shopping merrily around the store loading up her cart with non-essentials. She purchased a Wii, controllers, games, Lady Gaga CDs, clothes, jewelry, and more. Funny thing is, the very night she was out maxing out my credit card, I was out at 10PM in 35 degree weather with my 4 month old trying to find her! She had worked that day with me but her husband called around 9PM to say she hadn't yet arrived home and he was worried.
If I learned anything from this experience, it was to respect myself and my rights even more. I hesitated to press charges against her because I did consider her a friend. However, after some deep thought (particularly about the items she chose to buy), I felt very violated and betrayed and followed through with doing the right thing. The morning she was arrested, most of the other items that went missing from my job turned up in her house.
My former friend has now been arrested two more times for grand theft from two large big box stores in our area. This just goes to show that when someone has a bad habit, one that enables them to betray their loved ones, it's very serious and they clearly need help. If I were you, I would really sit down and weigh out the evidence and how you truly feel about your friend. I'd hate to label her as "the clepto" if there's a chance it's not her -- but if you honestly feel she has sticky fingers, spare yourself the heartache and act now before it's too late.
Again, I'm sorry you're going through this. It's a tough situation to be in, especially if you're the innocent party. Good luck!
If you can't handle this chick stealing from your parents, are you going to be able to handle her stealing from ALL your friends and family?? I mean unless you have someone literally TIED to her at the reception, a wedding is just FULL of opportunity to do the EXACT SAME THING SHE HAS BEEN DOING which is stealing cash and credit cards and wallets!! How can you prevent that? DON'T INVITE A THIEF! (I mean really, how exactly are you going to put the word out to your guests that you've invited a clepto, and Aunt Jennie, please mind your purse??)
This is a situation where you need to overcome your fear of confrontation. Because if you don't and you invite her to your wedding (let alone as a BRIDESMAID???) you are going to be stressed out the WHOLE TIME watching her, and trying to make sure she's not stealing! You shouldn't have to babysit people at your wedding.
And as a guest I'd be enormously pissed off if my purse was rifled through and I was missing money and credit cards, and found out that not only did the bride know in advance that this theif was a theif, but she invited her anyway. Sure, YOU may not have plans to tell anyone, but you can't be sure your other BM's won't!!
@MadiLove918- Thank you so much for your story. That is even worse than the things we've seen with my BM. So sorry you had that experience. You're right, there is chance that its not her. I'm not sure how many coincidences can ocurr. Maybe that's why I'm paralyzed. I don't know....
Hi,
I agree with Mighty Sapphire,
It is just too risky for ALL of your wedding guests to have this person even be at your wedding! I know you feel bad, but it really is a big risk, and if I knew that she was the common denominator I would feel bad too, but I would feel much worse if my family/friends/other guests were stolen from at my wedding. And it would definitely ruin my own experience of my wedding to be stressed out all day worried about whether she was stealing from my other guests or vendors-even. I don't know how you could actually feel comfortable trying to make sure she's watched every moment. I think that would really be impossible. Sorry :(
Jennifer, I think you do know what you need to do. I know this puts you in a rough spot, but you've said you don't care about ruining the friendship-- what else is there to consider?
Whether she has an addiction or a disorder, by NOT confronting her and NOT kicking her out of your bridal party, you are enabling her to continue doing what she's doing. She needs help. She needs a wake-up call that this behavior isn't okay, and no one is stepping up to do it.
Do this now; do it quickly, and get her out of your life. She's not a friend. She's certainly not worthy to stand with you on your wedding day-- true friends don't steal from other friends. If you do it now, hopefully most of the backlash will wash away before your wedding day.
I can't imagine being in this position, and I don't mean my advice to sound harsh. I do think there is no debate, though. Confront her about it, or set up some kind of trap to catch her, and get her out of your life.
Jennifer, no problem...I just wanted to share because I can totally empathize with how you feel right now. While there will always be a chance it's not her, if she's always been the common denominator it's probably safe to say a conversation needs to be held. I don't think it's right to just dump her without having a conversation. If I were you, I'd sit down and explore all possible reactions. She may very well be offended, she may adamently deny any wrongdoing, she may break down and confess/ask for help, etc. Either way, you definitely deserve to have peace of mind on your big day!
If you plan to have dancing at your wedding, unattended purses at tables and chairs would be enticing to someone who has theft problem. I don't even want to imagine her in a household overnight. I know it's a tough tough situation that leaves you feeling uncertain but most definitely take a look at yourself and your hard working loved ones and assure yourself that NO ONE deserves to become a victim. Use your heart and a little extra strength to make it through this. I'll be thinking of you. :)
The circumstantial evidence is substantial, but there's not conclusive evidence like there was with MadiLove918...
A test would really provide proof either way.
If she is really a klepto, then she won't be able to resist cash left casually lying around. When my mom suspected a maid of stealing once, she left several valuable items out. When some of them went missing after a cleaning, she knew she had found her culprit.
A nanny cam is fairly inexpensive... I would invest in that as a way to test her without confronting her with circumstantial evidence:
http://www.google.com/products?q=nannycam
Once you've installed that, you could leave out several expensive items... especially small ones that a potential thief might think wouldn't be missed. For example, you could leave out a set of CZ earrings or a credit card (which you've already called and canceled). My mom used a fake Rolex, I think.
Some evidence points towards kleptomania being on the OCD spectrum, which would make it hard for her to control her urges. Either way, if you leave out enough valuable stuff... she would have a hard time resisting, I'm sure. If you left out a stack of $20s, she'd have a hard time not taking a few of them. Just make sure you write down the serial numbers first.
Good luck!
I gather from your posts so far that you've already decided not to confront her about it, keep her in your wedding but be 'extra careful' about your posessions during the wedding weekend.
I understand it's very hard to confront someone, especially a BM, about something this serious. And you don't actually have evidence that it was her, right? So there's a chance you could be wrong. But all the facts are pointing towards her stealing, multiple times from both you and your friends. In my opinion, it is not just a good idea, but actually your responsibility at this point to do something about it. Other than being extra careful and spreading rumors that she 'might be' a klepto.
Trust me, I wouldn't want to do it either. It's unfair to you, painful and sad for everyone and just extremely uncomfortable in general. But if I were a guest at your wedding and my wallet was stolen and I found out it was your BM and you knew ahead of time she had a problem with theft and didn't do anything about it, I might get the police involved.
Wow!!! That is insane. I agree with the previous poster, you might want to "set her up" and invite just her over one night and leave 10-20 bucks lying around. If it goes missing then you will definatley know for 100%. This is a serious accusation and you want to make 100% sure she is guilty of this. If you find that she is, she really needs to be confronted about this. Mayeb you and 1 or 2 of her closest friends bring it up to her. It may prevent her in to getting in to some serious trouble one day. Good Luck!
I'm extremely protective of my family. I can take a lot of crap when it's directed towards myself, but if someone messes with my family? It's a big no no. I really really suggest following Mr. Bee's advice if you choose to keep her in your wedding and allow her to be at your parents house. If she does steal something from your parents, then atleast you'll know. Having a BM that's a thief is already going to overshadow your wedding (because of the worry), but what if she steals something of great value from your parents? You'll have to deal with that overshadowing your wedding for forever.
I would confront her only when you know 100% that she did it. If you find that, you confront her with the evidence and cut her off. "I still want to be friends, but you've violated my trust and I do not want to expose my closest friends and family to this. I do not want them to worry in their own home. I'm sure you understand." This might cause her to be ashamed and not want to see you, but I don't think it'd end the friendship, unless you wanted to.
You can't ignore the issue, or talk behind her back to your friends "just in case" - this is a situation you have to confront, before the wedding. Bad things tend to go crazy bad when you're under a lot of stress!
@OP - I think you're getting good thoughts and advice here. I don't have anything to really add, except that I'm sorry you have to deal with this right now. Talk about unnecessary drama! Ugh.
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