Post # 1
Cool stuff, huh? Yeah. Pretty sure my Bridesmaid or Best Man is a clepto and last night I couldn’t sleep just worrying about it. Here’s the abridged version (and keep in mind that I never claimed to be the best decision maker):
Right after I got engaged my Fiance threw me a suprise birthday party at our apartment. My Bridesmaid or Best Man and new her roommate (who I didn’t know well at all) were there, they were the only ones to leave and shortly after their departure my bank alerted me of a low balance in my checking account (thank god for online banking and blackberrys). Eventually I realized my wallet had been stolen, which contained lots of cash as we were going on vacation 2 days later. And purchases made on my card. I’m horrible with confrontation so in the end, it was decided that my BM’s friend was the culprit and I wrote her out of my life. The end. But it wasn’t. Our mutual friends from college had all been harboring secret suspicions about her. While in college they’d all had separate instances where theft was involved, she was always the common denominator but no one had definitive proof so no one spoke up. Until months after this happened and we all confessioned, and thus connected the dots. Then, last week, while at my BM’s house for her birthday party, another friend found that cash had been stolen out of her wallet, which was hidden deep in my BM’s closet. Only she and the friend that put it there had known it was there.
Anyway, I can’t believe I have to worry about my Bridesmaid or Best Man in this way. I thought I’d just have to worry about her alcohol intake! These are supposed to be people you trust. It seems obvious to me now, now that its too late, that its a problem she has, she’s done this to every single one of her closest friends.
Now, here’s the wedding related issue. My rehearsal dinner is at my parents house. My BM’s are supposed to sleep there in the guest bedrooms the night before the wedding. I am petrified to let her be there! I won’t trust her alone for a minute. Not to go to the bathroom, not to sleep in a guest bedroom alone. My parents have a lot of nice stuff. If she stole something of theirs I think I’d literally become violent for the first time in my life. That’s a major violation and it doesn’t seem to be something she wouldn’t do. If she’s stolen from her best friends, why wouldn’t she steal from their parents house?
What do I do? If anything at all?
Post # 3
Yikes, that is hard. I think you have 3 options. I’ll list from most confrontational to least.
1) Kick her out of the wedding. This is only an option if you are done being friends with her (clepto-ness seems like a good reason for that to me) and if you don’t have mutual friends that would be put in the middle on this. Also, you better be DAMN SURE that she is actually a clepto.
2) Confront her with all the evidence, and when she denies tell her that you hope she isn’t lying but that you WILL be paying attention in the future– particularly when she is staying at your parents house.
3) Don’t say anything but make sure you never give her an opportunity, including not having your BMs stay at your parents house.
Post # 4
Wow…this is tough in every direction! I think that no matter what you do, you’re either going to allow her to be able to steal from you/your parents again, or you’re going to hurt her feelings so badly that she won’t want to be friends with you anymore. So, I think it’s a matter of, do you still want her in your wedding, and do you still want her as a friend. Obviously you care about her, but if she’s the common denominator in all of these thefts, then you almost have to confront her about it.
This is such a touchy subject though that she’s almost guaranteed to flip out at you and end the friendship. If you’re ok with that, then confront her. Otherwise, I wouldn’t let her stay at your parents’ house. She might even steal something from the reception if she can. So just be careful. Having her at the wedding may guarantee that someone’s things are stolen.
Post # 5
I couldn’t be friends with someone like that and would kick her out so fast that her head would spin.
Trust is a serious issue to me, and I want to feel comfortable in all situations with the people I call my friends.
Post # 6
I think after finding a friend’s stolen cash in BM’s closet you & other friends should intervene. Your friend sounds like she has a serious problem if she is stealing from the people closest to her and she may need professional help. Do you think she has a drug, alcohol, gambling or any other addiction? This can cause people to steal money/valuables from the people they love because their addiction takes over their life. I would go into it from that angle. That you aren’t attacking her but you all know she has stolen from you and she needs help. I think if she owns up to her problems then keep her in the wedding but tell her you don’t feel comfortable with her staying at your parents house and will have other friends watching her at the wedding. If she denies it then I think you need to tell her flat out you don’t trust her and you have evidence to prove she did steal from you and other friends. Then maybe take her out of the wedding. By knowing she is stealing and putting her in your parents house and at your reception (where ladies leave their purses on the tables to dance, get drinks, etc b/c it’s a wedding among friends) you are basically giving her free reign for her steal from your parents & guests (tough way to look at it but it’s true).
i’m very sorry you have to deal with this, it’s a difficult situation.
Post # 7
This is really hard! I don’t feel comfortable confronting her. Because the info that I have relating to my other friends was confidential. I can’t give them up. So it’d just be me. I do care about her, we’ve been friends for 8 years but I don’t trust her. None of us do. We are all really vigilant about securing our belongings when she’s around now (how horrible is that?). But, we have so many mutual friends, this would be so awkward for me to deal with, especially before my wedding. It could really polarize our group of friends. I don’t think I have the energy to deal with the drama.
I think somehow I have to change the plans for having the BM’s sleep over the night before the wedding. I’ll already be nervous, I shouldn’t have another reason to be nervous. Do you think I should tell my other BM’s of the issue? As it stands, they have no idea since they’re not friends with her. And that way we can all be mindful of her actions at the rehearsal dinner.
Post # 8
@[email protected]– she doesn’t have a drug/alcohol/gambling problem but there must be something wrong. She’s the type to never keep a job, she’s my age (27) and she lives off of student loans, she stays in college to avoid the work force. So, my assumption is that theft supplements her limited income. I don’t know. I do know that shortly after the wedding, I’ll be moving out of town. I will most likely have to distance myself not by miles alone, but by communication too. Its just so crappy because we all travel together all the time. And what if I’m the only one willing to ever confront her? Won’t I look like the untrusting chump?
Post # 9
You 100% need to tell your other BM’s. They have a right to keep their money and valuables safe from other Bridesmaid or Best Man.
I don’t think you’ll look like the chump. I think you’ll be the strong one that stood up to a friend who was doing something horribly wrong. She is ruining your friendship, not you and you need to remember that.
Post # 10
Um i think you need a new friend. Friends don’t steal from each other. You need to talk to her, confront her….
and if you keep her in the wedding, let people know. Seriously, they need to know to keep their valuables safe.
Post # 11
unfortunately even though you dont want to confront her about it you do need to work it in a way that you have heard that things like this have happened in more than one situation and that she has lost your trust. personally i do feel you should be removing her from the wedding party, and not letting her attend the wedding. it is just way to risky. think about at the wedding and the presents and cards that will have cash and giftcards in them. sorry, but you need to let her go and make sure all doors are locked.
Post # 12
@ejs – “Um i think you need a new friend. Friends don’t steal from each other.” ah ha ha ha ha ha ha ha…… too true. Way to lay it out there.
Consider letting your other friends know that you’ll be confronting her before you do it, that way you can feel out how they’ll react. Or, you could always have a full on intervention.
Maybe move the sleepover to a hotel? You can leave valuables in a safe, and instruct the staff not to let her take anything. Say something about how you think there will be too much going on at your parents’ house with relatives in town, etc. And yes, I would brief your other bms on the issues, if they don’t know her. They have a right to know.
Well, actually, if it were me I would ask her to step down.
Post # 13
You definatly need to confront her about it. It’s not fair to anyone else in your bridal party or your parents or even @ your wedding reception to have a KNOWN theif their. I think if your going to tell your other bridesmaids it’s only fair to you Bridesmaid or Best Man that you talk to her about it. She needs to know that you know what she’s been doing. I would also mention that other people have had money stolen too; don’t mention they think its her but tell her you’ve heard them say someone took money from them @ a party & you are assuming it was her. If you have to take the grunt of it then so be it. It’s the right thing to do all around. You can’t just secure your belongings and have everyone on edge around her. That’s like feeding the addiction. She’ll just go the next step further.
Post # 14
If you can’t confront her, I would not invite her to stay overnight. I’m sure she’ll figure it out and if she does stay overnight you need to inform people of your suspicions. I would also be worried about how she is going to be on your wedding day with all of your gifts and checks coming in.
Post # 15
I would be very concerned about the card box at the wedding! I would also be very upset if, as another Bridesmaid or Best Man, my stuff got stolen at a sleepover because the bride did not warn me of her clepto “friend.”
Post # 16
I appreciate all the advice, I really do. To be honest, it seems a lot easier to tell someone else what they should do in a situation like this. I haven’t come to a final decision. I also don’t plan on putting anyone else in a position to have their belongings stolen. I realize everyone has a right to know, I will be sure they’re informed, either way I handle this.
I was never worried about the wedding day however because the gift table is next to my family’s table and card box is with my step-father.