Post # 1
Darling Husband and I got married in September, so I’ve been MIA for a little while! If you’re the sensitive type, this post might not be for you, because I’m pretty blunt here.
I wasn’t a virgin when we got married, but lately I’ve been a lot more frustrated with my condition than I was pre-marraige. Basically, I feel like a terrible wife because, most of the time, I don’t want to have sex. Everyone talks about how great it is and how they look forward to it.. except me.
After so many years of not quite enjoying it (sometimes I do, sometimes I don’t), I’ve become turned off from the idea of even being intimate, just in case he wants intercourse instead of oral or manual stim. I just fear the pain. When we do have sex, Darling Husband has expressed that he wished we could get right to it instead of so much foreplay “trying to turn me on”. I’ve been on the pill for nearly 6 years, so without a lot of foreplay I’m too dry which makes the situation that much worse. It doesn’t help that not only is my condition painful, but being on the pill has crushed my libido.
THIS IS SO FRUSTRATING. Can anyone relate? And before you ask, yes I’ve talked to my doctor. I’m not getting off birth control because I’m adamant about waiting for children and don’t trust less reliable methods. She was very supportive and gave suggestions for treatment (Basically, buy some dildos and get myself used to it until penetration becomes more comfortable. The situation is more complicated than that because masturbating is fine and doesn’t cause nearly as much pain (of coures, I’ve never actually bought a dildo so I’m not 100% sure). My issue with sex stems not from fear of penetration itself, but from being raised as a strict catholic where sex was “dirty” and I was going to be “condemned to hell” because my husband and I didn’t wait until we were legally wed. I’ve since changed religions, but I can’t seem to reverse the psychological effects of the religion.)
As a side note, I’m on my period and wearing a tampon freaking hurts. I HATE VAGINISMUS.
Someone please relate to me 🙁
Post # 2
- Wedding: July 2014 - Prague
I can’t relate, but I think you need to continue to work on this. Get a dildo. It doesn’t have to be embarassing, you can even order online!
Explore your sexuality a bit. Buy a book on female sexuality — I don’t mean porn, but an academic/psych take on the subject. I’m not going to bother recommending any as I sense this is a very sensitive subject for you so you should do a bit of research and choose something that sounds like it will work for you.
You CAN let go of that Catholic guilt; I suspect getting angry and/or scientific will help. 😉 This doesn’t have to be your lot in life! But I have to say, I think you also need to see a therapist. If you search for a good one, he or she should be able to help guide you through this.
Post # 3
I can’t relate to your exact problem (non-guilty catholic here lol), but I do offer as much sympathy as I can! I”m sure that is incredibly frustrating for you and your Darling Husband.
You’ve probably already done this, but using a good lube and lots of it is a life-changer. I guarantee that I could not enjoy sex, ever, without it.
I know you’ve left the Church, but if you’re interested in reading an accurate book about Catholic sexual life, try Holy Sex! It has a lot of good, hands-on tips that may help, including for ppl raised similarly to you, and it also might help with the guilt because being guilty about married sex is a common misunderstanding of catholicism. The author is very good at explaining why there’s nothing to be guilty or ashamed of at all. I think it has some counselor/therapist info in the appendix too…I’d check but it’s buried under my mess of other stuff right now.
Sending lots of good thoughts and a prayer your way! You’re a good wife for trying to fix this and trying to take care of your Darling Husband.
(And I agree – tampons are the worst!)
Post # 4
Try vaginismus.com. They have a really great self help program. Also see if there is a pelvic floor specialist in your area. You’re not alone at all.
Post # 5
CoffeeBeanKate: Can you believe lube makes me burn? I’ve tried so many brands. My doctor said something about already having small tears because of the vaginismus? Anyways, I’m definitely going to look into that book!! It definitely might be helpful with the underlying issues 🙂
HappySky7: I’ve been reading a lot on the website. I found a whole treatment kit, but it’s pretty pricey. Still considering though 🙂
Post # 6
OnceUponATime: yeah it’s pricey… But honestly its worth it. it deals with the psychological stuff as well as the physical stuff. The dialators are much easier to face compared to a bright pink light up dildo. lol
Post # 7
OnceUponATime: Oh geez, what a huge bummer! Pre-seed is pretty gentle (not my favorite, but because it’s technically for TTC, it’s pretty friendly to just about everything). I’ve also heard that coconut oil works but can’t vouch for that personally or medically! At least it would smell good… I hope you can find something to make it better cause I know I sure wouldn’t want anything to do with those sorts of activities if I didn’t have a little help.
Post # 8
- Wedding: August 2013 - Rocky Mountains USA
How about a copper IUD? (Paraguard.) I have one and LOVE it. It’s literally as effective as sterilization and entirely hormone free. It’s all the way up in your uterus so I don’t think it would have any effect on vaginal stuff.
Post # 9
OnceUponATime: So I can definitely relate to this! I was diagnosed with vulvodynia last year and actually had to get surgery down there. Let me tell ya, not fun! Before the surgery, I was unable to be penetrated at all without intense pain and discomfort. I have a high pain tolerance, but it was too much for me to handle. I had the surgery and am probably 30% better. The pain is now tolerable and after I get going a bit, it starts to feel nice. I can’t use lube. I think I’m allergic, but I will start burning and need to take a shower. I’m happy that you’ve spoken to your doctor–that’s the first step. Things you can do at home are, like PPs mentioned, get a dildo and get comfortable with yourself. This is also a mental thing. I started tensing up anticipating the pain before Fiance even penetrated me, so that by the time he did, I was too tense and coiled up to relax and it was painful. Fiance has been very patient. He goes slow. We stop if we need to. I’m hoping it gets better. Good luck! You can always PM for support, because gurl, I feel ya!
Post # 10
Have you tried any kind of topical numbing creams to kind of ease the pain? That really really stinks. I’m sorry you are going through this.
Post # 11
I don’t have any comments on your condition but I would say to keep trying to find a lube that works well for you. There are sooo many out there I know there has to be one that will work for you. Do you have any sex stores in your area? The ones where I used to live had a ton of smaller sample sizes you could try out for a few bucks before buying the big bottle… I have heard of ppl using coconut oil as a lube, but I haven’t tried it so I can’t vouch for it (but it is safe for human consumption so I can see it working)…
Also, I second the PP that said to ask your DR about the Paraguard copper IUD. I don’t know if that would affect your condition, but it is all the way up in your cervix and is actually better at preventing pregnancy than the pills (mainly bc the pills are not 100% if you do not take them the same time daily and other things can interfere with their effectiveness). It has zero hormones and is very safe unless you are in the minority that is allergic to copper obviously. I was on the pill for 5+ yrs and had no sex drive, switched to paraguard and it’s back! =) Also, it’s good for 12 years after insertion and is a passive method of birth control meaning you don’t have to do anything to make it work (except you are supposed to check it once a month to make sure it hasn’t dislodged, but after the first year chances are super low). I’ve been on it for 3-4 yrs now and really wish more ladies knew about it as an option because it is seriously amazing.
Also, get a dildo/vibrator and maybe try to use that before sex to get yourself primed? Your man may enjoy watching you use it or try to help out and it may help you relax and let go a bit… I was raised very conservative evangelical christian so I know the guilt you are talking about, but you can slough it off- you just need to have an open mind and never stop experimenting!
Post # 12
lolot: I actually don’t know much about copper IUDs. What has your experience been like? I’m sort of spoiled in that I get a light, two-day period every 3 months. Do you get a regular period monthly?
foreverlovex: My doc actually suggested it, but it sort of creeps me out. I prefer to stray from synthetic chemicals. Definitely something to consider, though!
MrsMeowton: Yes! I’m not the only one who burns like mad with lube. Have you found any that don’t bother you as much? KY sensistive is the best I’ve found so far.
CoffeeBeanKate: I’ll have to look into pre-seed. Thanks!
Post # 13
I know exactly how you feel as I have vaginismus as well. I found out about it when I lost my virginity to my now husband when I was 20. I was origionally wanting to wait for marrige to have sex but gave in to him and did it. Sex was the most painful thing ever I went through about 3 years of being in so much pain during sex I was in tears until it got to the point where we were rarely trying to have sex. When I explained the problem to doctors no one seemed to know what the issue was and kept on telling me it was all in my head until I did some research online and found a physical therapist who specialized in internal pelvic floor pain. She was able to diagnose my problem and I did internal physical therapy with her for about 2 years. It made it so the pain was still there but more manageable. After 5 years of dating my husband proposed to me and we just got married in July on our 6 year anniversary. We moved so I am no longer going to a physical therapist but my husband is really wanting me to start working on a fix for the problem again.
After doing some more research recently I found out that there are some doctors offices that specialize in injecting botox down there for assisting with this exact problem and after they do the botox they use the dilators on you to help stretch you out and the botox helps with the muscle spasms down there. I have heard that it has great results and even fixes some womans problems down there and makes sex pain free. I know this seems drastic but I am seriously considering this. This problem has taken over my life and is one of the worst things to deal with emotionally. I do not wear tampons because of how painful it is.
btw numbing creams, pain meds, getting drunk, having a baby to stretch things out down there do absolutely nothing and are just things doctors tell you because they know nothing about your condition. I would advise going to see a internal physical therapist that specializes in this condition as I have had some results with this.
Post # 14
OnceUponATime: I was diagnosed with vulvar vestibulitis/vulvodynia/other interchangeably used term when I was 20. It is horrible and I’ve done a decent amount to deal with it. So I completely get where you’re coming from. I am still dealing with this but there are a few steps I took which I think will help you. Also, feel free to PM me. When I was going through this at the start, I had no luck speaking with anyone and felt alone and frustrated. My boyfriend, now fiance, stuck by me as I went through all this.
1. My gyno referred me to a specialist who referred me to a specialized physio. She did a mixture of stretching execises and used dilators to improve it. A lot of these exercises, you can do at home and she would ask my partner to help me with them. I would not recommend that you buy that ‘treatment kit’ that you saw. Doing that on your own is scary. You don’t know if you’re making it worse and you won’t push yourself like having a professional help will. What I did for at home, is I bought a hard vibrator that actually looks like a small dilator. We could use it for the exercises and then the vibrator helped make sex a lot easier. Way less foreplay needed with that involved as well.
2. Try AstroGlide for lube. This is what the physio specifically recommended. I’m on the pill and we use condoms because I’m paranoid. This is compatible with that.
3. I live in a city with universities. Some areas of psychology specifically focus on this. I was able to get referred to psychologist who helped me talk through those mental barriers that get put up. I was at the point that things that used to be a turn on become a turn off because you anticipate the pain.
4. Make sure your husband gets what you’re going through as much as he can. My fiance has been incredibly supportive and patient. I was raised Catholic as well and that Catholic-guilt is omnipresent. I fall into the trap of not wanting sex, feeling guilty, but not wanting to have sex just because I feel guilty. I also often feel like a bad partner due to that. If he doesn’t have your back or get it, it’s going to be even tougher.
Anyways, just some points and my thoughts. I’ve gone through this and am still going through this. It’s improving but is still super rough.
Good luck and like I said, feel free to message me!
Post # 15
get off BC. best thing that ever happened with me. learn NFP.