Valentines Day blues…

posted 3 years ago in Emotional
  • poll: Should I listen to my coworker?
    Yes : (2 votes)
    33 %
    No : (4 votes)
    67 %
  • Post # 3
    3623 posts
    Sugar bee
    • Wedding: July 2013

    @willow_1960:  First, stop talking to your coworker about your problems. Chances are, she only sees your side, is worried about you, and you forget all of the other pieces that make up the context.


    I, like you, dated my husband for less than 6 months at Valentine’s day. We did nice Christmas and birthday presents (his birthday is Christmas week and mine is two weeks after) and new years. For the life of me, I cannot remember what we did for Valentine’s day that year. I know he did not send me flowers to my work or give me a card (he has never done that) and I know we did not go out. Was it a let down when people asked? Absolutely.


    But then I got one great gem of advice– pick your battles and your priorities. If getting Valentine’s day presents is important to you, then bring it up in mid-January next year so he knows. If having a stable and loving relationship is important for you, then give the guy a break. He should have bought you chocolate, but you know he felt horrible about it and tried to make it better.


    What has helped my marriage is realizing my husband is far from perfect and we will never pull equal weight. There are times where I am the one making all of the effort– getting groceries, traveling to him (when we lived apart), and making the plans. HEck, even last week when he had to pull 10 hour days because of the storm and came home at 8pm on Valentine’s day completely forgetting to pick up flowers and chocolate, it was me who had made dinner because he couldn’t give 100% right then. But there are other times when he does all of the shopping, the planning, the cooking, and I am the exhausted one who just needs not to be in charge. It is a give and take.


    Your boyfriend has a ton on his plate. Give him a break and give him advance warning when something means a lot to you. 

    One last thing– on Friday I was on email with 10 married coworkers at 7:30pm (yes, we are really cool). We all realized, not a single one of us had big plans and there were no flowers in the office. I looked on facebook and saw the grand gestures happen in some relationships, but they normally either fade out (or were never there) for the relationships that are going for the long haul. Presents are great now, but having a great guy is way more important.

    Post # 5
    1490 posts
    Bumble bee
    • Wedding: August 2013

    I wouldn’t listen to your coworker.

    A relationship is more than just gifts. I love gifts like anythign else, but a lot of times guys express how they care for you in different ways. For example, my husband takes care of making sure we save and earn the most on our investments. He stays up all night to book me the cheapest airplane tickets. He washes dishes for me when I’m too tired, and carries most of the groceries. He always listens to me when I’m sad and cuddles and hugs me even when we fight.


    Also you’re young. As you get older the cheesy stuff like flowers and gifts will give way to more meaningful things like… a guy who is 100% faithful, a guy who wants a marriage, a guy who is working hard to establish a family.


    Your guy sounds like he tried to make up for it. you can’t ding and fault a guy at his make-up attempt. When you reject his make-up attempt, that’s a reflection on you, not him. 


    Also, guys have terrible memories for Valentine’s Day. You are more than welcome to be very very clear to your boyfriend in the future that you expect ____ for ___ holiday.

    Post # 6
    5906 posts
    Bee Keeper
    • Wedding: April 2018

    @willow_1960:  Your co-worker sounds like an awful person.  Seriously, don’t listen to her.  Because its a myth that relationships are always fair, or 50/50…they aren’t.  Sometimes you’re doing 90 and he’s pulling 10,but the you get the flu and he’s crushing all 100% for a while until you’re better….then things change, you decide you want to learn underwater basket weaving so its 40 on your part and 60 on his….the point is, that however it works…IT WORKS.

    I get that you’re bummed over the flowers, he apologized, offered to take you out, wanted to buy you a vaccuum….?  What’s he supposed to do?  He screwed the Valentine’s pooch and you won’t let him make it up to you?  WHY?  What do you get out of that, aside from perimisson to wallow in your unhappiness over it and make him feel shitty at the same time.

    In the long run, one bouquet of flowers on one valentine’s day is just not that big of a deal, PLUS….if you don’t set him up to succeed….he’s boned before he even gets out of the gate.  Next time you’re looking for a gift exchange, a night on the town, let a guy know!  Tell him you’re feeling a little pent up, want a good meal and cute gift, doesn’t have to be expensive, just thoughtful…he’ll come through!  That’s what I do with Mr. 99 and neither of us is every unhappy or feels like its a big obligation, just us, doing what we do!

    Post # 7
    5184 posts
    Bee Keeper
    • Wedding: November 2009 - New York, NY

    Relationships are meant to flow and develop at their own pace.  Focus on how compatible you are, if being together feels right, and let your relationship develop.  Trust your instincts and be wise on who you seek/take advise from.

    Post # 8
    1715 posts
    Bumble bee
    • Wedding: July 2015

    You are getting some great advice.  FI and I have been together 5 years; he has planned less then 5 dates on his own, has gotten me one bouquet of flowers, and we are at his house probably 85% of the time if not more.  But he also bakes me cookies 90% of the time I ask, makes sure I’m well fed with yummy food, usually I eat junk if I’m left to my own devices, gives me massages, and this year for Valentines day instead of getting me flowers like I asked, he baked me a cake because he knew I would enjoy that more(he was very right).  I used to get caught up in the fact that I never got flowers or extravagant gifts and dates but when I finally started to think of everything else the man does for me, none of the other stuff feels important.  He takes care of me and makes sure I’m getting something he knows I’ll personally like, not just something that is popular at the time.  I would have personally taken the vacum and forgot about Friday night, but I’ve 5 years of figuring my guy out.  Give your relationship time to get in groove and figure each other out.  Change your expectations, you don’t necessarily have to lower them but change them, make them fit your relationship, it will save you a lot of unnessary heartache.  O and stop listening to people who aren’t even in a relationship let alone yours.

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