Obviously most people are on here because they are getting married and I genuinely want your opinions on marriage and why you are getting married. not stuff like "cos I love him" (you can love someone and not feel that need to get married).
I want to explain myself as clearly as I can without offending. I have always believed that not only do I not want to get married but I see it as an immoral act. Please hear me out here and I'm hoping for some thought provoking, deep insights from yourselves afterwards.
The reason I see it as immoral is the promise in the vows of commiting yourself to someone "till death do us part". And there is no get out clause. Many of you are brides to be and right now your fiancee is a very caring man. But if you get married, and seven years later he has an affair, are you still going to keep the promise? Or even if he gradually over time becomes very selfish and awful to live with, will you break the promise. If the vows said something like "I promise to love and work at our marriage" (but didn't do the death to us part bit) - I could understand more but still, why would we need a contract to tell us that we are committed to each other?
On a final note, my friend has been married for 15 years and her husband has had two affairs during this time and she has still chosen to stay with him whereas I have a friend who has lived (not married) with her partner for 20 years, they have 4 kids and as far as I know they have a completely solid relationship.
I want to know why it is important to you and also, as I am someone who wants to have a partner but not get married, how you would have felt and what you would have done if your fiancee had told you he loved you but didn't want to get married and wanted to live together for the same reasons I have just given
Everyone has their right to an opinion and yours is a valid one. For me I want to get married to demonstrate and formalise our commitment to one another. My parents have been married for 36years and I have seen the highs and lows but at the end of the day they are happy and love each other. There is something profound about sharing your life with one person. for me I don't see the pleasure iin adding notches to my belt sleeping with many and dating continuously. Everyone I mean everyone has their faults that's why the significance of death do us part. No one should just give up because it gets hard. Cheating is different but most of the time everyone can work on problems in their marriage. Marriage has been part of our society for a long time and will continue to be.
people get married because they are optimists, we hope for the best. most of us don't look at the person we love and think, oh, he'll probably cheat on me one day so we'd better not get married so I can leave him easier when he does cheat. most of us believe our relationship is special, will stand the test of time, is truly for life.
it's not a lie when we say our vows. we mean it with all our hearts. but people change with time, and although you may not be able to say those same vows 20 years later, or even feel affection towards the person you married anymore, nobody wants to think their relationship will be like that. and to be with someone who didn't want to marry you, is to be with a pessimist (you could say realist!) who didn't believe your relationship was special; in other words, wasn't blindly in love. ;P and I'd rather be with someone just as blindly in love as me, someone who'd eagerly enter the state of marriage fully believing it'd last a whole lifetime.
@surething: Marriage is a covenant of largely religious origin. Monogamy is as old as time. Clearly you can have one without the other depending on the religion and the norms of the society. As a christian I believe you need both.
I know that my children will do better within a marriage than they would in other arguably stable situations (cohabitation). I know I will feel better (misguided feeling perhaps) knowing that my SO has sunk cost/tied hands by marrying me. I know that in the eyes of God our union will be blessed.
I don't think marriage is for everyone but it is for me. I have thought about some of the societal constraints and old ideas about women as property. I think those are issues that extend beyond marriage to gender roles in a culture so those don't make me feel the institution is any less important or valuable.
I am glad that we will make a public declaration of our love and intentions for the world to see. If life is one big commitment problem, marriage helps to solve it.
@surething: My vows didn't include the words, "'til death do us part". We got married because we wanted to celebrate our love publicly with our friends and families. That's not to say that we don't hope to stay together forever, but the promise to spend our lives together trying to make each other happy was more important to us.
one of the main reasons why i want to be married is because i want to be married before i have children.
i want my children to grow up in a stable and secure family, all of us with the same surname. i couldn't imagine my life without my future husband, and we have the same values, so this is a natural step for us to take.
i am actually in the opposite position to your and your friends. my friends who had kids outside of marriage are not with the fathers of their children - yet both mine and my fiance's parents have both been married for over 25 years and have had zero serious problems (not coming close to getting divorced, ever).
If the vows were the biggest issue you could always write your own and that way only vow what you think is reasonable. I think there is a difference of people who blindly go into marriage with a thought of "nothing will go wrong we will be blissfully happy forever" and people who understand that nothing is set in stone and expect there to be difficulties and hardships. You certainly don't have to get married to share a life together, but I do think there are some benefits.
@surething: I think your post was written very well and aimed at curiousity and NOT giving offense. :) I also think if you don't want to be married that's perfectly fine and anything I say is not to change your mind, but to try and answer your questions from my point of view and how I personally feel.
I'm not religious, I don't want children. I do believe in marriage. It is a different level of commitment I can't begin to explain without an essay. I'm 36 and been married and divorced before. Just mentioning so you know where I'm at.
First off you are right, marriage is a promise. Just like any other promise sometimes they have to be broken. To me marriage without religion is "forever" unless something really F-d up happens. And I do mean F-d up. Not we aren't communicating or we've grown apart, or someone did something stupid, etc... majority of these things can be fixed with both willing. I think way too many divorces happen because people don't keep their promise when they could or sometimes even try, and I think that's immoral. I think there are some good reasons to break a marriage promise, just as their are good reason to break other promises in life.
What would I do if he didn't want to get married? I stayed with him, became his girlfriend, moved in together, and now I'm his wife lol. Absolutely no mention of marriage from me or anything implying I wanted it (I accepted him for who/where he was). Except once early on when he asked about how I thought since I had been married before (less time married than living single) and I said it was a wonderful thing if both people want it, are mature (emotionally, financially, sane, etc), and are willing to work for it, because it does take work and sometimes even selflessness. A year and a half later when he brought it up I almost fell off the sofa. The next morning my boss asked if I was ok as I still looked dazed while processing the change!
If the vows said something like "I promise to love and work at our marriage" (but didn't do the death to us part bit) - I could understand more but still, why would we need a contract to tell us that we are committed to each other?
Most, if not all for the root cause of, marriages failing are because people don't choose to work on their marriage so I don't see it any different than the "death do us part" bit as far as breaking a promise.
You don't need the contract to tell you you're commited, you need the contract to be married. You can be commited for 90 years and not married and everyone who knows you knows it. Marriage is also publicly and legally declaring this person is now your closest family, your priority, and in some sense your responsibility. It's your family and friends publicly supporting this. As I said before I can't really explain why marriage is different without an essay, maybe a less wordy and better writer bee can put their finger on it... this post is going to be long as it is lol.
@surething: It is not "immoral", but I agree with you. I think the "til death do us part" idea is absurd, and obviously does not hold true for tons of couples. Is this one vow your only objection to marriage?
My husband and I intentionally omitted that phrase/idea from our wedding vows. We wanted our vows to be meaningful, and to us that meant making promises we *knew* we could keep. Promising to be together FOREVER is, IMO, dishonest and cheapens the other vows.
But I'm a huge advocate of marriage, and my own marriage is the most important thing in my life. Getting married was the best thing I ever did, even though DH and I went into it thinking "well, this'll be great while it lasts!". Which is still how we view our marriage, 5+ years later.
Marriage is what you make it. I think it's stupid and immature to discount the whole institution on this one objection of yours. Do you have any other reasons for not wanting to marry?
So, to answer your question, I would think that my FI was stupid and immature, if no other reasons were provided.
@MrsTangerine: I agree with all of this. I didn't try to tackle the "why is it important" question for the very reason that it requires an essay to answer!
Put simply, I give more weight to married couples than to "committed" couples. I think marriage is a more serious commitment, and I don't believe people who say they want to spend the rest of their lives together but don't want to get married. I always think, if you say you are committed and don't need a piece of paper to prove it, why can't you just get the piece of paper?
And I figure the answer is that it is NOT "just" a piece of a paper.
I believe in God and that He is the author and architect of both life and the covenant of marriage. I also believe the Bible is His Word, written by men under the divine inspiration of the Holy Spirit. Because of this, and what Scripture says about God's design for marriage and sexual intimacy, I believe that I needed to be married if I ever wanted to have a physically intimate relationship and to have (i.e. give birth to -- I obviously could have chosen to adopt as a single woman) children.
As for the very understandable concerns that you have raised in your post, Scripture does actually address that. There are provisions that permit (but do not require) a spouse to leave a spouse who has been unfaithful to/committed adultery against him or her. There is also a provision that, if a an unbelieving husband or wife refuses to remain in the marriage with a Christian and chooses to leave/abandon the marriage, the other spouse is no longer bound to the marriage.
After this last post, I'd like to qualify my own by saying that I am an atheist.
I do not belive god exists, and I am not religious or spiritual. I do believe in marriage. I think marriage is important, and I think less of people who claim to be committed but refuse to marry.
@surething: Your vows can say anything you want! If you write your own, they don't have to say until anything, if you don't want to.
As an atheist, I have no religious reason. As someone who could kind of not give crap about the traditional life script, I have no "it's time/it's the next thing/etc." reason. As we are childfree by choice, we have no future children to consider (a popular reason to get married.)
However, most cultures (especially Korea where we live now) give a lot of benefits to a married couple. As we live together and intend to be together for the foreseeable future, we'd like to reap the legal, financial, and social benefits of a committed couple since we are eligible to do so.
We'd like to stay together forever and have committed to do our best to make it happen. No one can see the future, but we promise to try.
I'd honestly prefer government and law got out of marriage entirely -- it should be a totally social or spiritual thing. I don't think there should BE a "piece of paper." No more divorce, just people splitting up when they want to. No legal binding, just a celebration if you feel like having one, with no legal standing whatsoever (you're still roommates in the eyes of the law, barring specific contracts between you like power of attorney and next of kin forms, etc.)
Instead of one huge all-encompassing decision you make all at once, marriage would become a series of smaller decisions you make over the course of a life together naturally (who to put on a mortgage or car loan, who to list on a custody form, who your life insurance pays out to, the one non-blood related person you get to put on your health insurance, etc. It'd make for more paperwork to do for things like that but I think it would be quite easy to manage with a little good administrative work.)
And hey, it's fun and romantic. You make a marriage whatever you want it to be. Don't let anyone tell you it HAS to be anything.
Hey Bebealways
Thanks! I seriously did not know that your vows could be literally anything you want. I really thought that marriage came from religion (originally) and the "till death do us part" and " for as long as we both shall live" was tied into it as a hangover which we could not shake. I knew you could have some of your own vows but I thought the lifelong bit was integral to the marriage ceremony and could not be changed. I thought the significance of getting married was a lifelong commit (going in with no back out apart from adultery, which is the only legitimate warrant for divorce - I know you can get divorced for anything but you know what I mean). I'm not religious but I can see now i am getting this a bit from Christian theology. Interesting how you can analyse yourself!
I still find it wierd that people can completely make up their own vows because some vows will be committed to the extreme, I might say too extreme like Valintine wrote " Promising to be together FOREVER is, IMO, dishonest and cheapens the other vows." whilst others will be far more flexible. By writing whatever vows you like, its like you determine the kind of commitment you want. This is new to me. I'll have to think on that.
I agree with the whole government and law thing too, it is something that puts me off. One of my friends is getting divorced and the poor guy is going to be left broke...
Statistically speaking, women who are married are far less likely to experience poverty especially as they age. In fact getting legally married and (this is key) staying married is the single best indicator of a woman's current and/or future economic standing.
Similarly, one of the single best indicators of a child's future success and well-being is if his parents are legally married at the time of his birth (probably best if they are married at the time of his conception, too but there are no studies about that).
That doesn't mean there aren't divorced or never-married women living stable lives in retirement. Or that single moms or couples who parent outside of marriage are dooooooomed to mess up their kids. These are just statistics not rules.
But they are impressive stats and they demonstrate the social importance of the marriage commitment.
I think since they made divorces easier to get, the distinction between marriage and long-term dating has been lost a little culturally (and more people are skipping marriage, period, for that and other reasons). But regardless of what people want to believe, so far the outcomes are still there. Good, solid marriages are still a great tool for economic empowerment and improving the health of the community.
This kind of an unromantic view of it but that's how I think of it :)
We got married in Canada (being US citizens) and there was no mention of "til death do yo upart" or "as long as you both shall live." I'm sure several other countries don't use these phrases.
LDS couples believe they are married for all eternity, not just while alive on earth.
I believe marriage is beneficial to one's life, health, security... When I was in my 20s I did not think that way, but I did not see many good examples of what it was supposed to do. Being older and now understanding that beneficial marriages only work when you select the RIGHT partner. There are many legal rights you gain through marriage that you would not have if committed. Something also about exclaimig your unity to the world through a legal marriage too makes it feel better to me personally.
You are certainly titled to your opinions on marriage. No one is trying to convince anyone either way. But I did notice you seem to have two data points.
I understand what you are saying OP. That is why I did NOT say anything in my vows that I am not 100% able to commit to and keep. I wrote my own, improvised them, and made sure I meant what I said. Our wedding was private, just us.
I never wanted to get married. It did not matter to me. I lost belief in it because my mum has been married 4 times in the course of little over a decade - growing up. To me it is not the wedding that matters, it is the relationship/ the marriage.
Why do I think marriage itself IS important? I think that commiting in an outwardly fashion to one another is something that is beneficial to our relationship and to society. There is actually a sociology study done on the benefits of marriage to individuals and society. I commited to become a family with my DH and that is not something I take lightly. I work at it every day. I am a very serious person when I commit to something.
I don't think we can judge our own choices against other people's. It takes all kinds to make a world and sure, some people do get married for the wrong reasons. That however, is not something I am going to let deter me from what I feel is right. I think it is wrong to rasie a family (just my personal opinion) without being under the commitment of marriage. Things happen in life that are not ideal and that we cannot control- I just hope that when it comes to relationships I worked out most of my pitfalls prior to marrying DH. I went around the block and I am pretty sure I did. Just like how I have no desire to get drunk because I literally drank myself out in college. I value my husband because of my experience, something I think is very important prior to settling down, so you know the grass isn't actually greener, it just looks that way sometimes.
@Bebealways: I definitely agree with your reasons. We're not religious, so that plays no role whatsoever. While we do want children, we will not have them for several years, so they are not the defining reason for why we want to be married now.
I'm getting married for legalities. We want to be together in the long run, but we live in different countries, so we are getting married in order to end the distance. That isn't the sole reason, but a large one. We also love the idea of making a formal commitment in front of others to make our relationship work and to be bonded.
This is an interesting post. I never thought I'd get married either, and didn't agree to marry my now husband until we worked together to find ways to make it a meaningful ceremony for us.
Here's what we came up with:
Not only did we write our own vows, we built our own ceremony from the ground up in a way that was meaningful to us. We didn't walk down an aisle, we walked down a labyrinth lined with our friends and family. We wanted our wedding to feel like a festival of interactive art, so we had a hula hoop making station and a homemade bowling alley. Etc., etc.
For us, our marriage was not so much about us making a commitment to each other, but about us asking our friends and family to support us in our commitment. It was an inherently public thing. This is not to say that one has to get married in order to have a commitment ceremony, but...
...For better or for worse (hardy har har), our government bestows benefits upon married partners that unmarried partners unfortunately do not share.
There is more but I have to go ot work now. Thanks for sparking an interesting conversation!
Actually the basis for marriage is NOT spritual.... it was CONTRACTUAL. joining of families in clans to make the clan bigger, or aquire more land. It isn't until recently - in the last couple hundred years that there has really been a spiritual basis for marriage.... and predominantly that is only in christian religions. In many other parts of the world arranged marriages are still quite common.
Also women HAD to marry as they had no other way to really support themselves.
Having said that....... I also don't believe in the traditional christian wedding vows.
I am confused a bit by your statement: going in with no back out apart from adultery, which is the only legitimate warrant for divorce because EVEN in Christianity there are MANY reasons for divorce; abuse, infertility etc In MANY religions if the women doesn't produce an heir (male heir even.... not just a child) that was ground for divorce after a certain number of years.
I actually think one of the biggest issues in marriage today is that people get married "because they are in love" with very little thought to any other reasons for getting or staying married. Love is an emotion. Love SHOULD be a behavior and a component.... but certainly there needs to be MANY more things to consider.
@3xaCharm: I'm glad someone made this point.
The historical basis for marriage has nothing to do with religion.
There are legal advantages to being married that are not available to people who are in an unmarried committed relationship. But beyond that, being married does make you think long and hard before you walk out.
It's a lot harder to walk away from a married relationship than it is to walk away from an unmarried relationship. I know there are all kinds of statistics about how many marriages fail. However, there aren't any statistics that I know of that track how many unmarried committed relationships fail. That's just not a statistic that anyone is able to keep track of with any kind of accuracy.
There is also a different level of respect given to married relationships that is not given to unmarried committed relationships. As long as you aren't married, no matter how long you've been together even if you have kids together, people do not look at your relationship as being as committed or give your relationship as much respect as the relationship of a couple that is married.
Legally, when you get married, you become your spouse's immediate family. This means when you go to the hospital, you have privileges that a non-family member does not have. As long as you are not married, you are not a family member, because there are some states that do not recognize partnership agreements.
Also, if you are not married, you partner legally does not have to list you as the beneficiary on anything. When you're married, legally your spouse has to list you as the beneficiary, unless you sign away that right on every document that lists a beneficiary.
If your partner dies, any will that was drafted can be contested by any legal family members and there is a good posibility that they could claim your inheritance.
These are a lot of the reason why a lot of gay couples are fighting so hard for the right to get legally married and not have settle for a partnership agreement.
Aside from all that, personally, I wanted the deep committed feeling that I get from being married. I like being able to say, "let me check with my husband," etc. If we were still living together in a committed unmarried relationship, I wouldn't be able to say that.
Even the Bible upon which marriage was founded gives you a get out clause (in cases of an affair). Obviously if you marry and your spouse puts your health (abuse, infidelity) at risk, you have the justified option not to stay.
Even if we look past the emotional reasons, there are many advantages that the law gives if you are seen as one unit/family and that's only through marriage (a big one for me is insurance). But let's face it, it is the ultimate commitment and because you just cant walk away without it being possibly detrimental in many ways, that level of commitment does make a difference with your psych.
Me? I personally believe that if my SO did not offer marriage, that it would mean a life I would not be comfortable with. 'Till Death do us Part..' simply means, 'IF you are still forsaking all others, honoring me etc. (remember, there are also other lines that go with that vow). No matter if you agree or not, it is the ultimate committment according to society's laws and in most religions, and I just happen to feel I am worthy of that.
I see where you're coming from. I have an older lady I'm friends with, that has been with her boyfriend for 23 years, and they're not married. They're mindset is, "If it ain't broke, don't fix it." It works for them, & that's all that matters.
For me, I want to have a family of my own, and I don't agree with having children & not being married. My DH is in the military as well, & there are a lot of things that come into play because of that. If we had to move & weren't married, they wouldn't move my stuff, & he would only get the same amount of money a single person would get. So it helps him be able to support us both, and then I'm covered if something were to happen to him, etc. It's a sense of security for us. & once again, I think it's important to be married before having kids. That's what I've always wanted, and he's the same way.
But if something were to happen, such as abuse/infidelity, then no I wouldn't be able to stay with him. Just as I know he wouldn't stay with me. Our vows say that we will love & cherish each other, and be faithful to each other.. which if one of us cheated/started being abusive, that would be a breaking of the vows.
I don't disagree with people that don't want to get married though, it's most important that people do what works best for them.
Nothing about our union is religious. We got married so we could have certain rights about medical information and decisions, so that when we retire he can file for social security benefits through me because he will get much, much more, etc. We actually thought about just living together but the law is very particular about spousal rights.
That doesn't mean our marriage means nothing. Our love for one another is very true and we have one of the strongest relationships I've ever experienced.
It's a promise and just like any other promise they are not always kept... It isn't a lie, if it is not your intention entering in. If you only plan to stay together as long as you feel the love on that day then there is no reason for mariage. Marriage says even if I don't want yo lov you I will choose to anyway from now until forever. Now perhaps because my parent are still married and I'm planning my own wedding I am an optimist.
I believe in marriage as a way to solidify our comittment by announcing it publicly and thereby having our dearest and closest family and friends hold us accountable in a way. In our ceremony, we promised not only each other, but our friends and family that we would make our relationship the highest priority in our lives and that we would do everything for each other that we said in our vows - love, honor, respect. I think that's the most important part of a wedding ceremony. It's not just the promise you make to each other, but the promise you make to everyone in attendance - people who are presumably very, very close to you.
@SpecialSundae: My vows didn't include the words, "'til death do us part". We got married because we wanted to celebrate our love publicly with our friends and families. That's not to say that we don't hope to stay together forever, but the promise to spend our lives together trying to make each other happy was more important to us.
My reasons are pretty much this. We also did not say until death do us part, because I don't think the death of one of us would stop love from the other. If DH dies before me, I will continue loving him after his death. Death is not the end of our love, IMO.
Neither of us is religious, so that was not a factor. It was honestly because I wanted to commit to him on the highest level. I would have been fine with being together/living together and not being married, had that been what he wanted. Thankfully, though, we both entered our relationship knowing that it was heading in the direction of marriage. We both took that very seriously. While I did marry him because I love him (of course), I also married him because I wanted to be with him for the rest of my life, and I wanted him to be my husband. It really wasn't about the legal/spiritual aspects of it.
@valintine: I think marriage is important, and I think less of people who claim to be committed but refuse to marry.
"Think less of" in what way?
I love my husband very dearly. I would give him the last drop of blood in my veins or my still beating heart if it mean he would go on.
With that said, I did not have to marry my husband. We were committed to one another the moment I moved into the house. I immediately became his wife, and he became my husband. We did not need a marriage license to say we were married.
He proposed to me in October and we were married in December. The Justice of the Peace married us in front of our christmas tree. It was beautiful, and lovely.
So, why did I get married? I would have stayed with my husband even if he had not proposed. I love him dearly, and a marriage is not going to stop me from loving him and having children with him. I whole heartedly respect other women's beliefs that they need a marriage to progress in the relationship, but I will never understand it because I personally do not feel a marriage is necessary for progression. But, I am of analytic mind, so emotional barriers don't really compute, so to speak.
I married my husband because in some ways, it was necessary. My husband is in the Navy and unless we were married, the Navy would not recongnize me. If something (FSM forbid) were to happen to my husband, I would not know. I would not be informed. Likely, yes, someone in his squadron would be the one to break the news, but the Navy could give two thumb twiddles about me. I would not be allowed on base, and I would not be eligable for health insurance. Being married, my husband gets paid more, and when we have children, they'll pay him more per child.
I didn't need a ring on my finger or a marriage license to prove that I loved my husband, or to prove he loved me. I know he "loved me enough" to stay with me, and we didn't need to get married to validate that. However, we got married because it was more towards the necessary scale, and we both get a lot of benefits for it through the military.
It seems sterile to say, "We married for the benefits." But it's true. I adore the man, and I'd marry him every day of my life, but at the heart of it? We married for the benefits.
@surething: It took me some years to see it, but I do now understand those who strongly believe that staying together without legal marriage is more romantic, makes for a stronger relationship, and is ultimately a higher committment than simply getting legally wed.
Now, that's not for me, but I do, intellectually, understand the arguement. I think it's the same one you are making.
I think that is great, to each his own--until you bring children into it then I probably would like to intervene :)
And then there is all of the legal ramifications of the law supporting your union. But if you (the generic you) don't mind forgoing that, I'm ok with it, consenting adults and all.
Well, my husband and I chose what promises we each wished to make to each other, and our marriage is also what we choose to make of it. I do not see anything "immoral" in that. We are with each other as we choose to be. We are just as free to decide not to be together, but instead we choose to be together. We do not own each other, restrict each other, control each other. We encourage and support our personal freedom. We value being authentic, open and honest with each other. All our vows reflected exactly who we are, what we are together, and what we are committed to in our life together. We did commit to maintaining our promises for the rest of our lives, and the people we are, I trust we will do so. And religion had no part of it. We are not at all religious and our promises were purely to one another.
Marriage is certainly not necessary for a fulfilling life together (however long or short). I grew up with a mother and stepfather who were not married for the first 25 years together, though they married three years ago. They clearly demonstrated commitment, respect, love, friendship and so forth without needing marriage. I have many examples like this in my life. I have had a common-law partner and was fine not marrying. I certainly have ever seen marriage as a goal or necessity.
Each marriage is only as good or as bad as the relationship itself. Marriage is not THE relationship. Marriage is neither going to improve or destroy what is already there. It is a mistake to assume marriage is the cause of people staying with a cheater for example, when plenty of unmarried people stay with cheaters, and plenty of married people end marriages with cheaters. No, they stay because the individual chooses to. They are not forced to.
My husband and I were committed to being life partners before we ever married, and I was fine not marrying. It was my husband who really brought up the prospect, and after talking about it we were both excited about declaring publicly what we had already promised each other. Neither of us felt much inclined to marry until we were with each other. We both recognize divorce is an option, but that is why we also nourish our relationship and work together, as we do not want to end up at that option! Our relationship is founded on trust and truth. We both trust that we ARE in a sense meant to be together for the rest of our lives. We have our boundaries and dealbreakers, but we truly do have something special together and are committed to being the best people we can be for ourselves and each other. We did not need marriage for this. It was all there, but we wanted to celebrate it, and declare it publicly and legally.
My husband is my best friend. There is no one else who I can be as real with, and who is as real with me. I trust him with my heart, and my life. I married him as he is the love of my life, and my chosen life partner. While marriage was not necessary for this, it not being necessary does not mean it was not a good choice for us. Marriage is not a prison for us, but a place of tremendous growth, grounding, freedom, and exploration. We both have said many times to each other that getting married to each other was one of the best decisions in our lives we have made.
So, that is why we married. And you are free to have your reasons not to just as I am free to have my reasons for doing so.
As other commenters have said -- the promises to love, to honor and to cherish are just as important as the promise to stay together "as long as you both shall live." And they're based on each other -- if the loving, honoring and cherishing has already been broken, then dissolving the marriage is merely a formality. Of course, as another commenter said, many marriages DO work out.
I think that the ritual of marriage is an important one. I'm not religious, so I don't believe that God bound us together as the result of saying our oaths or anything. They reflect what we already feel, and what we do each day to keep the relationship together and functional. But I think there's something very powerful about getting up in front of your friends and family and making those promises -- and your community witnessing those promises and promising to support you when things aren't perfect. I think that social rituals like marriages are important opportunities to strengthen the bonds of community and to clarify the values of that community -- by which I mean NOT that people in non-marital relationships are "immoral," but that when we get together and we honor that loving, honoring, cherishing, respectful, supportive, faithful, serious (and in my marriage ceremony, egalitarian and progressive) kind of commitment, we say "Yup, we share these values for what a partnership should be."
@Loribeth: all of this is basically what I was going to say. We want the legal protections of being married. They are deeply intertwined with what we envision our partnership to be - each of us the closest person to the other, legally and in all other ways.
It is also important to both of us to publicly commit to each other in front of those closest to us. We could do that without legally marrying, sure, but since legally marrying has many practical benefits that accompany it, we would like to get legally married.
Because in order to have the things we wanted, children for example, we needed to be married according to our moral compass. We are Christians and felt it was important to live according to our faith.
Interesting question!
Personally, I'm getting married for a number of reasons (outside of the fact that I love him, of course) - to publicly announce and formalize our relationship, to create a solid team of two, to provide a united front for future children, to be able to use the perks of marriage (tax breaks, hospital visiting rights, insurance, etc.), to celebrate our love with our soon-to-be merged families, and to commit myself to him.
Until I met FI, I never really wanted to get married; I really liked the single life, and being able to be the only one in charge of my life (so to speak.) Since being with my FI, however, I've really wanted to become this forever team, and to really celebrate our relationship with the people we love.
You must log in to post.
| User | Posts Today |
|---|---|
| pengoala | 46 |
| AllieANT | 42 |
| MsBeer | 35 |
| adoc86 | 29 |
| AlwaysSunny | 28 |
| dannielle89 | 21 |
| littlemiss511 | 20 |
| TaurianDoll | 20 |
| badabing88 | 18 |
| LilRhodyGem | 18 |
| User | Posts Today |
|---|---|
| paula1248 | 3 |
| Asia | 2 |
| Mrs.KMM | 2 |
| bklynbridetobe | 2 |
| lovekiss | 2 |
| mypinkshoes | 2 |
| summerSmile | 2 |
| housebee | 2 |
| rickhurst35 | 2 |
| E_Rigby | 2 |
