Value your opinion on marriage

posted 1 year ago in Relationships
Member
105 posts
Blushing bee

Everyone has their right to an opinion and yours is a valid one. For me I want to get married to demonstrate and formalise our commitment to one another. My parents have been married for 36years and I have seen the highs and lows but at the end of the day they are happy and love each other. There is something profound about sharing your life with one person. for me I don’t see the pleasure iin adding notches to my belt sleeping with many and dating continuously. Everyone I mean everyone has their faults that’s why the significance of death do us part. No one should just give up because it gets hard. Cheating is different but most of the time everyone can work on problems in their marriage. Marriage has been part of our society for a long time and will continue to be.

Member
802 posts
Busy bee

people get married because they are optimists, we hope for the best. most of us don’t look at the person we love and think, oh, he’ll probably cheat on me one day so we’d better not get married so I can leave him easier when he does cheat. most of us believe our relationship is special, will stand the test of time, is truly for life.

it’s not a lie when we say our vows. we mean it with all our hearts. but people change with time, and although you may not be able to say those same vows 20 years later, or even feel affection towards the person you married anymore, nobody wants to think their relationship will be like that. and to be with someone who didn’t want to marry you, is to be with a pessimist (you could say realist!) who didn’t believe your relationship was special; in other words, wasn’t blindly in love. ;P and I’d rather be with someone just as blindly in love as me, someone who’d eagerly enter the state of marriage fully believing it’d last a whole lifetime.

Member
1612 posts
Bumble bee

@surething:  Marriage is a covenant of largely religious origin. Monogamy is as old as time. Clearly you can have one without the other depending on the religion and the norms of the society. As a christian I believe you need both.

I know that my children will do better within a marriage than they would in other arguably stable situations (cohabitation). I know I will feel better (misguided feeling perhaps) knowing that my SO has sunk cost/tied hands by marrying me. I know that in the eyes of God our union will be blessed.

I don’t think marriage is for everyone but it is for me. I have thought about some of the societal constraints and old ideas about women as property. I think those are issues that extend beyond marriage to gender roles in a culture so those don’t make me feel the institution is any less important or valuable.

I am glad that we will make a public declaration of our love and intentions for the world to see. If life is one big commitment problem, marriage helps to solve it.

Member
4840 posts
Honey bee

@surething:  My vows didn’t include the words, “’til death do us part”. We got married because we wanted to celebrate our love publicly with our friends and families. That’s not to say that we don’t hope to stay together forever, but the promise to spend our lives together trying to make each other happy was more important to us.

Member
1032 posts
Bumble bee

one of the main reasons why i want to be married is because i want to be married before i have children.

i want my children to grow up in a stable and secure family, all of us with the same surname. i couldn’t imagine my life without my future husband, and we have the same values, so this is a natural step for us to take.

i am actually in the opposite position to your and your friends. my friends who had kids outside of marriage are not with the fathers of their children – yet both mine and my fiance’s parents have both been married for over 25 years and have had zero serious problems (not coming close to getting divorced, ever).

Member
2298 posts
Buzzing bee

If the vows were the biggest issue you could always write your own and that way only vow what you think is reasonable. I think there is a difference of people who blindly go into marriage with a thought of “nothing will go wrong we will be blissfully happy forever” and people who understand that nothing is set in stone and expect there to be difficulties and hardships. You certainly don’t have to get married to share a life together, but I do think there are some benefits.

Member
964 posts
Busy bee

@surething:  I think your post was written very well and aimed at curiousity and NOT giving offense.  :)   I also think if you don’t want to be married that’s perfectly fine and anything I say is not to change your mind, but to try and answer your questions from my point of view and how I personally feel.

I’m not religious, I don’t want children.  I do believe in marriage.  It is a different level of commitment I can’t begin to explain without an essay.  I’m 36 and been married and divorced before.  Just mentioning so you know where I’m at.

First off you are right, marriage is a promise.  Just like any other promise sometimes they have to be broken.  To me marriage without religion is “forever” unless something really F-d up happens.  And I do mean F-d up.  Not we aren’t communicating or we’ve grown apart, or someone did something stupid, etc… majority of these things can be fixed with both willing.  I think way too many divorces happen because people don’t keep their promise when they could or sometimes even try, and I think that’s immoral.  I think there are some good reasons to break a marriage promise, just as their are good reason to break other promises in life.

What would I do if he didn’t want to get married?  I stayed with him, became his girlfriend, moved in together, and now I’m his wife lol.  Absolutely no mention of marriage from me or anything implying I wanted it (I accepted him for who/where he was).  Except once early on when he asked about how I thought since I had been married before (less time married than living single) and I said it was a wonderful thing if both people want it, are mature (emotionally, financially, sane, etc), and are willing to work for it, because it does take work and sometimes even selflessness.  A year and a half later when he brought it up I almost fell off the sofa.  The next morning my boss asked if I was ok as I still looked dazed while processing the change!

If the vows said something like “I promise to love and work at our marriage” (but didn’t do the death to us part bit) – I could understand more but still, why would we need a contract to tell us that we are committed to each other?

Most, if not all for the root cause of, marriages failing are because people don’t choose to work on their marriage so I don’t see it any different than the “death do us part” bit as far as breaking a promise.

You don’t need the contract to tell you you’re commited, you need the contract to be married.  You can be commited for 90 years and not married and everyone who knows you knows it.  Marriage is also publicly and legally declaring this person is now your closest family, your priority, and in some sense your responsibility.  It’s your family and friends publicly supporting this.  As I said before I can’t really explain why marriage is different without an essay, maybe a less wordy and better writer bee can put their finger on it… this post is going to be long as it is lol.

Member
491 posts
Helper bee

@surething:  It is not “immoral”, but I agree with you. I think the “til death do us part” idea is absurd, and obviously does not hold true for tons of couples. Is this one vow your only objection to marriage?

My husband and I intentionally omitted that phrase/idea from our wedding vows. We wanted our vows to be meaningful, and to us that meant making promises we *knew* we could keep. Promising to be together FOREVER is, IMO, dishonest and cheapens the other vows.

But I’m a huge advocate of marriage, and my own marriage is the most important thing in my life. Getting married was the best thing I ever did, even though DH and I went into it thinking “well, this’ll be great while it lasts!”. Which is still how we view our marriage, 5+ years later.

Marriage is what you make it. I think it’s stupid and immature to discount the whole institution on this one objection of yours. Do you have any other reasons for not wanting to marry?

So, to answer your question, I would think that my FI was stupid and immature, if no other reasons were provided.

Member
491 posts
Helper bee

@MrsTangerine:  I agree with all of this. I didn’t try to tackle the “why is it important” question for the very reason that it requires an essay to answer!

Put simply, I give more weight to married couples than to “committed” couples. I think marriage is a more serious commitment, and I don’t believe people who say they want to spend the rest of their lives together but don’t want to get married. I always think, if you say you are committed and don’t need a piece of paper to prove it, why can’t you just get the piece of paper?

And I figure the answer is that it is NOT “just” a piece of a paper. 

Member
9375 posts
Buzzing Beekeeper

I believe in God and that He is the author and architect of both life and the covenant of marriage. I also believe the Bible is His Word, written by men under the divine inspiration of the Holy Spirit. Because of this, and what Scripture says about God’s design for marriage and sexual intimacy, I believe that I needed to be married if I ever wanted to have a physically intimate relationship and to have (i.e. give birth to — I obviously could have chosen to adopt as a single woman) children.

As for the very understandable concerns that you have raised in your post, Scripture does actually address that. There are provisions that permit (but do not require) a spouse to leave a spouse who has been unfaithful to/committed adultery against him or her. There is also a provision that, if a an unbelieving husband or wife refuses to remain in the marriage with a Christian and chooses to leave/abandon the marriage, the other spouse is no longer bound to the marriage.

Member
491 posts
Helper bee

After this last post, I’d like to qualify my own by saying that I am an atheist. 

I do not belive god exists, and I am not religious or spiritual. I do believe in marriage. I think marriage is important, and I think less of people who claim to be committed but refuse to marry.

Member
4693 posts
Honey bee

@surething:  Your vows can say anything you want! If you write your own, they don’t have to say until anything, if you don’t want to. 

As an atheist, I have no religious reason. As someone who could kind of not give  crap about the traditional life script, I have no “it’s time/it’s the next thing/etc.” reason. As we are childfree by choice, we have no future children to consider (a popular reason to get married.)

However, most cultures (especially Korea where we live now) give a lot of benefits to a married couple. As we live together and intend to be together for the foreseeable future, we’d like to reap the legal, financial, and social benefits of a committed couple since we are eligible to do so. 

We’d like to stay together forever and have committed to do our best to make it happen. No one can see the future, but we promise to try. 

I’d honestly prefer government and law got out of marriage entirely — it should be a totally social or spiritual thing. I don’t think there should BE a “piece of paper.” No more divorce, just people splitting up when they want to. No legal binding, just a celebration if you feel like having one, with no legal standing whatsoever (you’re still roommates in the eyes of the law, barring specific contracts between you like power of attorney and next of kin forms, etc.) 

Instead of one huge all-encompassing decision you make all at once, marriage would become a series of smaller decisions you make over the course of a life together naturally (who to put on a mortgage or car loan, who to list on a custody form, who your life insurance pays out to, the one non-blood related person you get to put on your health insurance, etc. It’d make for more paperwork to do for things like that but I think it would be quite easy to manage with a little good administrative work.)

And hey, it’s fun and romantic. You make a marriage whatever you want it to be. Don’t let anyone tell you it HAS to be anything. 

Member
1321 posts
Bumble bee

Statistically speaking, women who are married are far less likely to experience poverty especially as they age. In fact getting legally married and (this is key) staying married is the single best indicator of a woman’s current and/or future economic standing.

Similarly, one of the single best indicators of a child’s future success and well-being is if his parents are legally married at the time of his birth (probably best if they are married at the time of his conception, too but there are no studies about that).

That doesn’t mean there aren’t divorced or never-married women living stable lives in retirement. Or that single moms or couples who parent outside of marriage are dooooooomed to mess up their kids. These are just statistics not rules.

But they are impressive stats and they demonstrate the social importance of the marriage commitment.

I think since they made divorces easier to get, the distinction between marriage and long-term dating has been lost a little culturally (and more people are skipping marriage, period, for that and other reasons). But regardless of what people want to believe, so far the outcomes are still there.  Good, solid marriages are still a great tool for economic empowerment and improving the health of the community.

This kind of an unromantic view of it but that’s how I think of it :)

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