Veil concerns & invites

posted 2 years ago in Etiquette
Post # 2
228 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: February 2015

Mr and mrs grooms parents invite you to the wedding of bride and groom? im sure one of the ettiquette savvy bees will chime in soon, but this is my thinking! 

Post # 3
1768 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: June 2014

for the veil question, you need to ask your church. Each one (even within the same denomination) has it’s own specific rules and regulations, although in every catholic ceremony I’ve been to the bride wears a veil….

for the invitation, you could do

Mr. and Mrs. Robert Inlaws

request the honor of your presence (or whatever)

To the wedding of

Miss BBCRats Middle Last

to their son,

Mr. Michael Middle

at blah blah


or you could word it more like the couple is hosting, just throwing the ILs name in there:

with joyful hearts,

Miss BBCRats Middle Last


Mr. Michael Middle Inlaws,

son of Mr. and Mrs. Robert Inlaws

request the honor of your presence (blah blah)


im in also pretty sure it’s okay to word it just like a traditional, brides parents are hosting invitation, just switch his parents and his name out.

Post # 4
2065 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: July 2014

Not sure about Catholic beliefs, but lots of people with kids and even people getting married for the second time wear veils.  Maybe not with a blusher (personally blushers creep me out a little bit).  I certainly don’t think legnth has anything to do with religion.  It has to do with personal preference.  I’d wear whatever length you want.  If you are overly concerned, maybe choose a single layer veil (one in which there is no opition to wear over the face as a blusher) in whatever length you’d like.

It’s up to you and probably his parents how you word the invitation.  Technically you should say Mr and Mrs. groom’s parents invite you to the wedding of.  If you think that would anger your family and you care about that, I’d either word it so you are hosting yourselves, or say “together with our families.”  

Post # 5
1644 posts
Bumble bee

BBCRats:  First of all, let me offer you my admiration and respect: you have lived your life with dignity and modesty, and despite violence against your person have maintained your ethics and self-respect, and chosen life for others at the cost of much self-sacrifice.

Now as for etiquette: proper etiquette never, ever comes down against the side of ethics and dignity. You say you ‘know you cannot wear a blusher’, and you are worried about the propriety of a long veil, or a veil at all, presumably because you are “not a virgin”.

My dear, virginity can be thought of in an entirely physical sense, focussing merely on whether you have an intact hymen or not. Many girls tear or abrade their hymen through vigourous sports activities or through use of tampons, and lose their “intactae” status without even knowing it. Obviously, they still wear whatever veil they want at their wedding, up to and including a blusher, because they don’t even know whether their hymen is intact or not. On the flip side, in Japan a girl who has slept around with different lovers, can have plastic surgery before her wedding to restore her hymen, so that her husband can “marry a virgin”. Does that not make it clear how ridiculous it is to focus on physical virginity?

Virginity can also be thought of in a spiritual and experiential sense. Giving yourself in passionate and loving physical intimacy is a life-changing experience. Studies do exist that show couples who experience only each other and no-one else, have deeper and more stable relationships, providing some support for the Christian belief that sex should be reserved for marriage. Given that is the Church’s belief, expecting brides to come to the altar without that experience and with that spiritually life-changing moment ahead of them, not behind them, is understandable; and it is tolerable if not understandable that there should be some restrictions on brides who have flouted that premise.

But here is the thing: YOU did NOT flout your faith’s restrictions on pre-marital sex. You do NOT have the experience of mutually consensual physical intimacy. Rape has NOTHING to do with consensual sex. Rape is about power and violence and dominance. Loving sex is mutual and considerate and voluntary.

Wear a cathedral-length veil. Frankly, I think you should wear a blusher, too — and I normally think blushers are downright silly, but not for you. If any-one whispers about it behind your back, well Honi soit qui mal y pense. If anyone whispers about it in front of your face, tell them just what I have said above: Rape is not sexual intercourse. You’ve never had sexual intercourse. You have saved that experience for your wedding night and your husband — and I hope he deserves that honour and cherishes you as you deserve to be cherished.

Post # 6
9526 posts
Buzzing Beekeeper
  • Wedding: August 2013

aspasia475:  +8 million. Wear whatever veil you want.

Post # 7
36 posts

aspasia475:  she said in her post she’s always used birth control (except for the rape) so I don’t think she’s saying she doesn’t have premarital sex. I think the issue is that in the Catholic church, even though many people do have premarital sex, it’s the fact that she has children that “proves” that she did it and thus people may have issue with her wearing a veil. However, I agree that she should wear whatever she wants. I personally see nothing wrong with premarital sex anyway. 

Post # 8
1644 posts
Bumble bee

Abbyxoxo:  She said in her post that she’s always used the method of birth control that is “99.9999999999999999999% effective”. The only birth control that effective is abstinance: one birth out of about a hundred trillion who have ever lived (and even at that, she has a few extra 9s in the number).

Post # 9
7664 posts
Bumble Beekeeper
  • Wedding: July 2013 - UK

I wore a blusher, and I lived with DH prior to marriage. Nobody batted an eyelid.

If you want to wear a veil, wear one! The only restrictions I have seen in traditional churches are with regards to the dress, not the veil… they want to make sure that the bride, groom, and guests dress appropriately (ie no cleavage baring dresses, and no inappropriately short skirts). Provided that the important bits are covered up, I wouldn’t worry about the veil too much. Wear what you like!

As far as the invitations go, I would just address them from you and your FI. It was a bit different for DH and I because we paid for the whole wedding ourselves, but we addressed our invitations from the two of us.

Post # 10
36 posts

aspasia475:  ohhhh yep I see it now. I misunderstood, thought she was talking about the pill which is 99.7% effective if used correctly.  Although I think abstinence would technically be 100% effective :).  Carry on!

  • This reply was modified 2 years, 5 months ago by  Abbyxoxo.
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