BBCRats: First of all, let me offer you my admiration and respect: you have lived your life with dignity and modesty, and despite violence against your person have maintained your ethics and self-respect, and chosen life for others at the cost of much self-sacrifice.
Now as for etiquette: proper etiquette never, ever comes down against the side of ethics and dignity. You say you ‘know you cannot wear a blusher’, and you are worried about the propriety of a long veil, or a veil at all, presumably because you are “not a virgin”.
My dear, virginity can be thought of in an entirely physical sense, focussing merely on whether you have an intact hymen or not. Many girls tear or abrade their hymen through vigourous sports activities or through use of tampons, and lose their “intactae” status without even knowing it. Obviously, they still wear whatever veil they want at their wedding, up to and including a blusher, because they don’t even know whether their hymen is intact or not. On the flip side, in Japan a girl who has slept around with different lovers, can have plastic surgery before her wedding to restore her hymen, so that her husband can “marry a virgin”. Does that not make it clear how ridiculous it is to focus on physical virginity?
Virginity can also be thought of in a spiritual and experiential sense. Giving yourself in passionate and loving physical intimacy is a life-changing experience. Studies do exist that show couples who experience only each other and no-one else, have deeper and more stable relationships, providing some support for the Christian belief that sex should be reserved for marriage. Given that is the Church’s belief, expecting brides to come to the altar without that experience and with that spiritually life-changing moment ahead of them, not behind them, is understandable; and it is tolerable if not understandable that there should be some restrictions on brides who have flouted that premise.
But here is the thing: YOU did NOT flout your faith’s restrictions on pre-marital sex. You do NOT have the experience of mutually consensual physical intimacy. Rape has NOTHING to do with consensual sex. Rape is about power and violence and dominance. Loving sex is mutual and considerate and voluntary.
Wear a cathedral-length veil. Frankly, I think you should wear a blusher, too — and I normally think blushers are downright silly, but not for you. If any-one whispers about it behind your back, well Honi soit qui mal y pense. If anyone whispers about it in front of your face, tell them just what I have said above: Rape is not sexual intercourse. You’ve never had sexual intercourse. You have saved that experience for your wedding night and your husband — and I hope he deserves that honour and cherishes you as you deserve to be cherished.