vent ♥ help? :)

posted 2 years ago in Proposals
Post # 2
Member
194 posts
Blushing bee
  • Wedding: July 2014

i think you are over reacting a tad. maybe he wants to hold off because everyone else is getting married/engaged. and maybe he wants when you guys are engaged for you to feel special because your the only one..there are so many girls on here that are complaining because other people they know are engaged the same time they are and they’re stealing their spotlight. who knows. me and my husband waited until after we bought a house together. So you are dying to get married, marriage is really only a promise,a ring, and a piece of paper. if you know your going to be together forever why do you really need those?

Post # 3
Member
1244 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: August 2015

ambugx:  He doesn’t want to do what before you buy a home? I don’t see the need to wait for that to at least get engaged and give you that commitment. You don’t have to get married right away but I also don’t really get why he wants to wait at all. Be tied together in a house and then become husband and wife? Why? And what about what you want?

Post # 4
Member
3044 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: September 2016

Have you talked to him about how you feel?

Post # 7
Member
3 posts
Wannabee
  • Wedding: December 1969

I’ve been with my bf for 6 years and am waiting until he is ready to get engaged/married and we talk about buying a home together, but I won’t buy a house with someone who isn’t committed to me formally…its a lot of money and financial commitment…its not an ultimatum, but a fact, I’m not going to make that sort of long term commitment and not a relationship one first….Just my opinion. 

Post # 8
Member
913 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: November 2014 - 11/15/14-Vineyard

I would be saying NO NO NO. That is all a bunch of crap. It almost sounds like he doesn’t want to marry you.

What about YOUR wants and needs? Sit him down and tell him marriage is important to you and you will not continue as is. Don’t ask him what he wants to do. You tell him what YOU are going to do!!!!

You will not buy a house with him unless you are engaged with a marriage plan. Tell him you also do not intend to live with him any further after the new year (or whatever time you should choose…90 days is more than enough). Do not mention it any further. You go on with your life, spend more time away from him, more time with friends, take a class, go away for weekends without him, etc. Live YOUR life. 

If the 90 days gets closer and still nothing, start looking for a place to live, let him see that you are serious and that you are going to move out and do it. Do NOT wait for him any longer. You are too young to waste your time on someone that does not put you and your relationship as a priority!!

Post # 9
Member
1487 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: September 2012

Is there a power differential at work here given your age difference?

Post # 12
Member
913 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: November 2014 - 11/15/14-Vineyard

ambugx:  Your last statement there totally shows that you put him before yourself. Stop that. You have to take care of yourself first. Relationships need to be about compromise and give and take. He’s not doing that. It seems you do what he wants you to do. 

It’s clear that YOU are not the priority to him. 

You have not realized yet clearly that men and women are very different. To men, the financial security and worries about money will always be foremost. With women, it’s the relationship, emotional aspect they prioritize for security. It has to come to a compromise for both parties or it won’t work. If he can give you what you need right now of emotional and commitment security,  then you can help him with what his financial goals are.

My FI did the same thing. After 3 1/2 years he asked me to move in and he swore he wasn’t ready for marriage. I told him I would only move in if we were engaged by the end of 1 year after move in date. I was not going to waste 5 years of my life when I know what I want and as much as I loved him and knew that I wanted to marry him, if he does not feel the same then he needed to let me go. It was coming up and so I asked him if I was moving out. the next week we got a ring. It took him 2 days after the 1 yr mark and I was leaving out ads for places to move for him to do it. The fear of losing his “comfort” and stability pushes them a little more. Your wants and needs are important too. If he can’t give it to you, someone else will. 

Post # 14
Member
262 posts
Helper bee

women wait for the perfect man to build the life they want

 

men wait for the life they want to marry the perfect woman

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