Post # 1
I am really thrilled about remarrying and my guy and I have been together more than a couple years (and he is a real dream after a bad stretch in my life). My best friend and I have been friends for more than 30 years. We don’t fight much, but we live in separate states. She has always been a rock for me and I am very available for her. But last month, when she was suppose to be coming for my daughter’s two daughters’ baptism, she flaked out at the last minute and decided she could not come ( it is worse–she was actually suppose to be the God Mother!). She has through the years been stressed and has anxiety and such, and mostly I try to be understanding, but she has a trying 5 yr old with huge issues and now uses this little girl for her reason for being unable to do anything. My understanding is running thin.
My daughter and I are really hurt that she did not come here (4.5 hr drive) and she seems to think that since she had trouble with her daughter in the car, that we should be cool with her cancelling. I feel that she forgot one of the basic MOM rules–mess with me if you must, but do not mess with my kids!!
Thing is, she really likes my guy and is happy we are marrying, but since I sent her the invite, I have heard NOTHING. (We are not having attendants as the wedding is simple and casual). I am thinking that this is as close to a “do over” as she is going to get and if she doesn’t come this time, it is going to be very not good. Honestly, we don’t usually have this sort of stuff going on, but it is a cloud on my happiness.
I am thinking of just calling her with a short “checking in on those who have not RSVP-ed” She does not have any support system to help with her daughter, but her hubby is some help. What do you think?
Post # 3
I have two thoughts about this…first of all, I want to acknowledge how challenging this situation sounds…it sounds like it’s hard to not be able to rely on her in the same ways you used to be able to. I’d imagine that can be upsetting and hurtful, and can really feel like a big loss. And with that being said, considering the little bit I know of your friend’s situation, you may have to realize that your friendship is not going to be the same as it was.
Not to invalidate your feelings in ANY way, as they are totally valid, I want to take your friend’s perspective just for a sec. I’ve worked with highly emotionally disturbed kids, (kids with psychiatric diagnoses, kids with severe problems, etc) and I’ve worked with their families. If you have a child with a psychiatric diagnosis, the role of a parent is intensified, like, a lot. I can’t fully speak from experience, as I am not a parent, though having worked with the families of psychiatrically ill kids, it’s not so easy to disregard the needs of the child, even if there are important situations that arise. For example, her missing your granddaugthers’ baptism becaus she couldn’t get her daughter into the car is probably more than that. With a high needs child, this could mean an hour of trying to get the child comfortable, then needing to exert HIGH levels of energy to keep them comfortable for 4.5 hours (and face it that’s a long trip for ANY five year old). And then there’s the ceremony to sit through.
I guess the point of me saying all this is that your friend has a lot on her plate right now, and unfortunately it sounds like she can no longer be the friend she used to be because her circumstances have changed. It’s no doubt not at all a reflection on you, but moreso a reflection of the extra hours and challenges that go into being the parent of a high needs child.
I’d say there’s nothing wrong with calling her to find out if she can attend the wedding. Though don’t be surprised if she says she can’t because of her daughter, and please, try not to take it to heart, as it really is most likely about her special circumstances.