(Closed) Vent about the SO… devistated… [LONG]

posted 6 years ago in Waiting
Post # 3
Member
2416 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: September 2012

Honestly, just enjoy your relationship. Obsessing about getting engaged is really only going to detract from your relationship and cause problems. Things will happen when they are meant to, and no “suggestions” on where you should go from here will not help you. I was with my FI for 5 years before he proposed. I never stressed about it, and I really enjoyed my time when it came…your time will come too.

Post # 4
Member
1642 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: October 2012

Take a deep breath, first! Waiting isn’t easy at all. Trust me, I know! We dated 5 years before FI and I got engaged, but I’m so glad we did. It was really painful for a while, but now I realize that he was waiting for the right time in our lives (when we had enough money saved, when we were both established) so that no obstacles could be in our way. Relax and find joy in anticipating something good! It’s like waiting for Christmas morning ๐Ÿ™‚

I promise, it will be worth it.

 

Post # 5
Member
1731 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: June 2014

Hugs! I have my good waiting moments and my bad waiting moments, too. I agree with Miss Orchard and RubyRoad10 to try to enjoy your relationship. I’m sure you already do! But for me, it definitely helps me to take the focus off the engagement. This is easier said than done, I know – I mean, here I am stalking WeddingBee ๐Ÿ™‚

Post # 6
Member
287 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: June 2013

Trust me, I know what it’s like to feel antsy for a proposal – we’d been together almost 5 years when we finally got engaged and had lived together almost the entire time and owned our own home.

Obsessing is the worst thing you can do…and IMO, you’ve really only been waiting for a year-year and a half, which isn’t that bad. Hell, I finally got my ring when he finally realized that my bio-clock is tick tick ticking away and that we need to get serious if we want to have kids (I was 33/he was 34 when we got engaged).

Getting engaged is something that you kind of have to release to the universe and just wait for it to happen when it is meant to happen. You don’t want to feel like you forced him into it at the end of the day.

If you get to the three year mark of living together and still no hint of an engagement then you need to have a for real sit down talk with him about it and find out if he actually wants to get married to you at all. If you don’t get a good feeling at that point and if marriage is super important to you then you need to step back and re-evaluate your relationship and your future together. But I’d say you still have some time to just wait it out. You don’t want to be THAT GIRL…nagging constantly in obvious and subtle ways about how badly you want to get married. Trust me – it doesn’t make them want to move any faster, sometimes it just makes them want to run away.

Post # 7
Member
264 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: December 2013

I disagree with the sentiment that you should just quietly wait until he decides he’s ready- this is one of the biggest decisions you two will make as a couple and it should not only be on his timeline. If you are ready now and he isn’t you should have a conversation with him about why he feels it is too soon and what he is looking to be different before he proposes. If nothing else, it will give you an idea of a idea of a timeline or what his concerns are to help you during the waiting process. And it gives you a chance to inform him of your thoughts on the matter without it just coming out as passive aggressive remarks or whining. 

Post # 8
Member
1642 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: October 2012

@TeamAwesome:  Of course! Let me clarify what I meant… I didn’t mean that you should just never talk about it. If you’re in a long-term relationship, this topic should obviously come up. Marriage is a very important issue. Knowing what page both of you are on should help ease any anxiety over this, but placing such an emphasis on an engagement that it affects the relationship negatively is bad. I hope that made some sort of sense. Yes, it is an important discussion, but no, don’t let it define your relationship until it actually happens. ๐Ÿ™‚

Post # 8
Member
1132 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: June 2013

@TeamAwesome:  Agreed. FI and I deciding to get engaged happened after a conversation that involved me saying one morning, “So, do you want to get married or what?” He had been thinking about it and said he really just needed “a kick in the pants” because he wasn’t sure how I felt about it and also wanted to talk about logistics. He was concerned about making sure we were on the same page with everything, etc. We had talked about marriage quite a bit, which was really important to me prior to making the decision to get engaged and eventually married. He still wants to propose formally, but we have told our parents and many friends that we are getting married. It was a mututal decision, the proposal is just for tradition’s sake.

Post # 9
Member
264 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: December 2013

@rubyroad10: What you’re saying TOTALLY makes sense. I think anticipation can be a great thing. (I happen to be anticipating a proposal myself ๐Ÿ˜› ) I wasn’t responding to anyobdy in specific so much as the fear I hear from waiting bees about “not wanting to nag/whine” etc- I always want to encourage them to have an open communication with the person they want to spend their life with. So much less room for insecurity or misunderstandings when everything is out on the table.

Post # 11
Member
1212 posts
Bumble bee

Why is the answer always that OUR waiting takes away from the relationship? Why is it never “the guys unwillingness to commit right now takes away from the relationship”? And that someone should smack some sence into them before they lose the awesome woman theyve got to a better man.

Why is that?

Post # 12
Member
1642 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: October 2012

@MrsGolden2Bee:  Depends on the guy. If you know it’s happening sometime in the foreseeable future, and he’s a really stand up guy, it’s best to just sit tight and wait for the right moment. Or propose to him yourself. If he’s been dragging his feet for years and the relationship is going absolutely nowhere, yes, it is totally his fault. Case by case, but a lot of times women tend to be really anxious about it when it’s going to happen soon anway. I myself was this way. And everything turned out for the best.

Post # 13
Member
1 posts
Wannabee
  • Wedding: June 2012

@GamerGirl:  I had the exact same feelings as you, in pretty much the exact same situation, and even arount the exact same times. I moved in with my SO 11 months into dating, and even prefaced that with “I do not move in with all of my boyfriends — I want to do this and will if I know you are looking forward towards marriage with ME someday — because I am with you.” At the time he said he was, he had never lived with a woman, and it was important to him to live together first. All fine and good.

Living together was GREAT, but right around the 2.5 year mark, I started to feel frustrated. I felt I knew him well enough and that our relationship was solid enough, and that I was crazy about him enough to want to get married. But, just like you, every time the topic came up, he got all antsy and evasive and acted like it was so obviously WAY too soon — “one thing at a time” was his favorite phrase. This drove me crazy because he too always talked about how he knew I was the one (the day we met??) that he loved me, loved our lives together, wanted me to be the mother of his children and his wife someday, etc. And yet…anytime I expressed my feelings about actually moving forward, I was “pressuring” him and it was way too soon? He also said he already lived his life every day committed to honoring me on the level as he would a wife, and that everything he did was with that in mind. So why was I so hell bent on the ring? He didnt understand it, and therefore didnt see it as much of a priority.

I feel like society has created this idea that women are crazy when having feelings about wanting to be married and are “pressuring” when they talk about these feelings to their men. But at the same time, men are perfectly not crazy when they want to wait, and are perfectly fine and entitled to have the feelings that they are not ready. It finally hit me that his feelings about not being ready or wanting to wait were JUST as valid as my feelings of BEING ready and not wanting to wait to get engaged. No i did not want to pressure him — I would not even want a proposal if it came out of PRESSURE — but i was done not sharing my true feelings when it was apparently totally fine for him to express his every time the topic came up — even if it was just a random reference to marriage and not even me addressing it seriously with him.

So, the way I went about it was this — I told him that maybe he doesnt see the engagement as anything different than what we were currently doing, I did. He had told me in the past that when people are in a serious relationship, they conduct themselves in a different way even when the other is not around. They don’t do anything that could be construed as a disrespect to the other. they also make decisions and lay groundwork for the future both as a COUPLE have agreed they waynt. SO I repeated those two points (of his) back to him, and told him that I do those things. I told him that I feel those are things that a WIFE does, and that yes, I conduct myself at the level of respect, commitment, loyalty, etc to him that a WIFE would. He wants that, he expects it, and as a man, he gets it. But me, as a woman — without the ring, the official engagment commitment, and eventually the marriage, I FELT that I did NOT get all that from him. (I am sure many women dont feel this way, and i KNOW not every one needs that to feel good and equal in the relationship — but this is how I FELT). I told him that the ring and the official engagement were a way of publically legitimizing what our relationship is, and that is why I need it.I told him it was not about rushing him our backing him into a corner, it was about this.

After I put it this way to him, it was like a light bulb went off. I am not sure what it was, but somehow he was able to see why i had the feelings I did and why engagement might be a different thing in my heart and mind than he thought. After he saw how important it really was to me and WHY, he did some serious thinking, and then a month later, we had a serious talk. He said he wanted to start looking into rings and he would surprise me if I liked, or I could pick on out myself (but the proposal had to be his surprise!) We got engaged a little over months later.

This is SOOO long but your story spoke so directly to me I had to post (this is not my usual account since its so personal). I know no two situations are exactly a like, but I really believe that BOTH parties feelings are just as valid and important, and men shouldnt always just be left to “become ready.” I do not believe in ultimatums or nagging, but I think it can really help to really think about WHY you want to get engaged/married, what it REALLY means to you and why, and why you aren’t happy just enjoying the relationship and waiting for him to join you on the same page. I think men get scared of “crazy pressuring women” thanks to society, but if you can take away some of the pressuring/nagging vague language that makes it seem like you JUST WANT TO GET ENGAGED RIGHT NOW and actually explain to your man where you are, he will be much more receptive. Of COURSE, this isnt a magic fix and if he does not have this in him on its own no explaining or talking can force that. But for me it made a huge difference, and I think if he HADNT wanted to marry me any time soon, it would have brought that out sooner too.

Post # 14
Member
1595 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: May 2013

@Cali Sunrise:  I think your post was really insightful, hope the OP reads it!

Post # 15
Member
38 posts
Newbee
  • Wedding: March 2012

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