(Closed) Vent Alert: tired of being "the counselor". (long)

posted 5 years ago in Waiting
Post # 3
Member
9626 posts
Buzzing Beekeeper
  • Wedding: September 2012

Oh, wow, that all really sucks!  You sound like Super Woman, lol.

But, seriously you need to set some boundaries with both of them.  While I understand wanting to help your boyfriend with his custody battle, he can’t take advantage of your kindness too much.  None of that is fair to you. 

Also, I’m a big believer in not allowing people to emotionally “dump” their sh*t on me day after day after day.  (Reminds me of my ex!)  Tell your boyfriend that when he walks straight through the door and starts dumping that it has the same effect on your psyche as if he walked in and dumped a load from the garbage can on top of your head.  He’s being selfish and not taking your feelings into consideration.

As far as Mom, tell her to back off a little because you’re also going through some stuff in your life.  Direct her towards a friend for comfort instead of you too much.  I know it’s hard to set boundaries with a parent but it’s something you’re going to have to learn.  If you have to stop answering her as much it might help keep her toned down a little.

I wish you all the best!

Post # 5
Member
2390 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: July 2011

Your mom:  Sounds like she creates her own problems.  You need to distance yourself from her.

Your SO:  What do you mean he “doesn’t know what to do”?  It sounds like YOU’VE never been through a custody battle, and yet you’ve figured it out!  I know you say he’s not lazy,  but . . . if this really mattered to him, he would figure out what to do.  You’re not married to him, you’re not even engaged, and this isn’t your kid.  You need to let him do his thing.  Imagine as the child knowing that your own dad didn’t care enough about you to figure out what to do, so he let his girlfriend do it.

Post # 7
Member
5968 posts
Bee Keeper
  • Wedding: April 2018

@badabing88:  Whenever you’re dealing with people who seem incapable of dealing with their own lives, it’s time to take a big step back, let them fall on their face and figure it the hell out….and when it comes to complaining, I use this response:

“It’s hard to feel sorry for you, when you already feel so sorry for yourself.”

That usually gets a little steel in their spine and they’ll realize they are in fact being GIGANTIC babies…everyone has problems, worse things have happened to better people people so get on with it!

And good luck!

 

Post # 8
Member
8042 posts
Bumble Beekeeper
  • Wedding: December 2013

@badabing88:  I think that with the boyfriend it will be a bit of an effort. I have to admit that I sometimes act the way your bf does (but I do tone it down a little.. no texts throughout the day). My SO has tried to explain to me not to do it, but since it’s such a habit, it really is a work in progress. My SO is a very positive person and can handle a lot, while I am anxious and kind of a negative Nellie sometimes. I am trying to work on this, though, and I am glad my SO shows me patience.

Keep reminding him how it makes you feel. Tell him that he has 15 minutes to get his frustrations out, and that it’s time to stick to fun topics for the rest of the evening. The more he brings bad stuff up, the worse he will feel. It’s not your job to remind him of all this, but I think it may help the situation overall since he seems stuck in a funk. If he isn’t willing to do anything about it, stop giving advice. He needs a bit of tough love here, I think.

As far as your mom goes, I am not sure what I’d do except maybe become conveniently a bit more busy. Ignore some of those texts. Cut phone calls down. She may learn as well.

Post # 9
Member
482 posts
Helper bee

wait a minute, how old is the kid?? im pretty sure this isnt his first rodeo show in a court room dealing with support/custody issues. this is his problem not yours, him saying ‘i dont know what to do’ is just his way of getting someone else to do it. that would be you. he is in his 40s im sure he can solve it himself.

 

 

 

i used to manipulate my sister this way when we worked together when i was younger, running our own business. cause: i would purposely claim to not know what im doing or ‘mess’ up a project, effect: she would get frustrated with me, take over and fix things herself. (i know, i was a biotch back then)

 

 

 

my SO did this to me as well, he wanted to be a cop but ‘didnt know where to start’ he would steadily complain about it but took no steps to make it happen. so guess who took on the job of researching, calling, and directing him to applications for different police depts? cant believe i fell for that. point is he’s grown, we all had to learn to do one thing or another on our own. 

 

 

 

2nd is your mom in counseling? i would look into finding low income programs for her, youre in texas, not sure which part, but here in DFW we have quite a few state funded programs in regards to mental health, MetroCare saved me a few years back.

 

 

 

not sure if your mother is insured but i would do some research. she might want to apply for assistance as well, for bills, medical, food etc at texas health and human service. 

 

 

 

you can only lend an ear so much before it becomes enough. if my guy continued to bitch about work when i clearly told him enough was enough i would tune him out as soon as he started in on his work venting. instead of bitching about it why not be proactive and get another job or make the current one bearable..

 

 

 

Post # 12
Member
2133 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: July 2016

@badabing88:  

Sounds like you need to “accidently” have your phone die, take the day off from work without the two of them knowing and get a massage, mani and pedi and don’t forget to have a few mimosas while your at it 😉

Post # 13
Member
301 posts
Helper bee

Looks like you have already received a lot of good advice. If possible, I’d turn off your phone at work so you’re not having to deal with these crazy frantic text messages. When I had an office job, I wasn’t allowed to take personal calls or texts so it’s very understandable.

Post # 16
Member
2390 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: July 2011

@badabing88:  Wait wait wait – he didn’t even have his own ATTORNEY?

 

This is still not your kid, and you are not his wife until you’re his wife.  He needs to sack up and start standing up for himself and his child.

ETA:  Just saw your update.  Way to go!

The topic ‘Vent Alert: tired of being "the counselor". (long)’ is closed to new replies.

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