vent… at my breaking point wanting to say "screw you" to all family

posted 2 years ago in Babies
Post # 2
Member
329 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: December 2013

 

Mrslovebug:  You do what you need to do for yourself and the baby. If that means NO visitors and no going out then so be it! The ones that are suffering are you and the baby. I know realistically you can’t leave your baby with them at that point but if it were me (and you could realistically do this) i would drop my miserable baby off with them and tell them to have fun dealing with cranky pants for the day.  

Im sorry you’re dealing with this. Do what you gotta do and be strong!

Post # 3
Member
3360 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: December 2011

I have said this before on your threads about your in-laws, but stop letting them do these things!  Don’t go over.  Don’t let them in.  Tell them that until you can trust them to listen to you and follow your requests as the parent, they will not get to see her.  You aren’t being mean by doing that – you’re taking care of your child!  These people have shown time and again that they will walk all over you as long as you allow it.  So stop allowing it.

I’m so sorry you’re still having these frustrations, it sounds so exhausting.  Do what you have to do at this point to get your world in order lady – don’t worry what others think about it.

Post # 4
Member
1721 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: August 2010

I think you are doing the right thing by having your husband do the night feedings and also by limiting the family visits.  I think you should say no visitors, no visits for at least a week to get yourself healthy and your baby the rest she needs.  When you do visit, limit the time.  Stay for 2 hours, then leave.  Practice saying something like this to your husband “I understand that you may feel I am being oversensitive, however, I spend 24/7 with my daughter and I know what she needs. We have to be her advocate and we are not going to let her be disrupted any longer.  We have to do what is best.”  I know it’s so hard when men don’t get it, but they aren’t women and they didn’t carry the baby and just don’t have that “sense” or the emotional tie in women do (I am not saying men do not love their kids, women just are tuned in differently).  You are not asking for anything unreasonable.  Good luck and vent all you need to!

Post # 5
Member
7098 posts
Busy Beekeeper
  • Wedding: August 2012

You need to put yourself and your baby first. Put up some major boundaries with these people. And I don’t mean to direct you away from this forum, but if you really want some tough love advice I think this is the place for it, lol:  http://community.babycenter.com/groups/a4725/dwil_nation

 

Post # 6
Member
1634 posts
Bumble bee

That would be so incredibly frustrating! I second PP’s who said you gotta do what you gotta do! Maybe you are extra sensitive right now because you’re so tired and frustrated, but that doesnt mean your feelings arent ligitimate. If you have to stop going around the family, or letting them come over until they can respect your wishes and learn to “control themselves” around your baby, thats what you have to do! If you dont remember getting up, making a bottle and feeding your child, thats a serious problem and it’s your job to make sure that both you and your DD are safe. Sounds like the only way you will ensure your safety & well-being is by cutting off visits for now. Your #1 priority is keeping the baby safe and healthy, if they cant get on board with that then they miss out on their bonding time. Actions have consequences and right now their actions are becoming your consequenses… time to put the consequences back on them, then maybe theey’ll change their behavior!

Post # 7
Member
2179 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: March 2024

I say you do what you gotta do. Keep your doors locked so they can’t barge in. If they knock then say baby is napping and you are napping or busy and you’ll call them another time when they can come over. Your DH needs to help you more at night, regardless of working a lot, because having a newborn he is basically making you work 24/7. Also tell him you aren’t letting people in during the day, if he has a problem with it then HE can take a week off from work while you go on a vacation and let him see how his family effects your baby’s sleeping habits! He doesn’t understand and I think at this point you need to put it on the line with his family, no visits unless invited!

Post # 8
Member
5460 posts
Bee Keeper
  • Wedding: August 2012

Is there any way a friend of member of your family can come stay with you for a few days to help out?  They can even run interference with the in-laws if need be.  I’m sorry you’re stressed like this with a brand new baby, you do need more help & more support!

Post # 9
Member
4827 posts
Honey bee
  • Wedding: June 2013 - Upstate NY

You MUST be upset; I couldn’t understand much through the typos!

 

Sorry, that was unnecessary. DH needs to step up and keep those annoying people away from you! I’d go NUTS!

Post # 10
Member
1147 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: October 2012

Mrslovebug:  I am SO sorry OP. The IL are ruining what is supposed to be a wonderful time in your life as a new family of 4. If they can not behave and respect you then they do not need to see baby, period, end of story. Why do grandparents think the baby needs to be spoken to extra loud and extra slow? And why do they have to get up in babys face every single time? Just because its a baby doesn’t mean baby doesn’t deserve personal space. The only faces i want on DD’s face is mine or DH’s. Extended family does not need to have baby nuzzled up in their chests/shoulders because they want the baby snuggles. Fuck you and your baby snuggles get out of her personal space, she does NOT like it! (I might have seen my IL’s this weekend). We as new moms do not deserve to be punished for DAYS for the benefit of 1-2 hours of overwhelming grandparent time. Stand your ground OP you are 1 million times in the right here. Even if DH is tired from work he can totally step it up and let you get some uninterrupted sleep. Big creepy internet hugs to you!!

Post # 11
Member
1474 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: May 2015 - St Peter's Church, East Maitland, and Bella Vista, Newcastle

Ugh, I wrote a long reply and the internet ate it.  I’ll try and replicate! I don’t yet have kids, but I do have a psychology degree and it seems to me that your ILs need conditioning (action/consequence).  You sound like you’re at the end of your tether and for your well being and that of your baby there need to be some ground rules established.  I’d be sending the ILs an email – that way you can carefully consider what you want to say and you won’t be interrupted or shouted down.  You can also take your time composing it to say exactly what you want to say.  In your situation I’d be saying:

1. No unannounced visits, just do not let them in if they turn up.  Don’t even answer the door, and if they call you from the doorstep demanding entry, just say “I’m sorry, it’s not convenient right now.  How about next Thursday at 2pm?” and do not let them in.

2. When they do phone to arrange a visit, make sure you are very very clear about when and how long they can visit for.  If they turn up early, don’t let them in.  If they stay longer, take bubs and go to your room and shut the door.  Ignore them when they knock on the bedroom door.

3. Even if it means taking two cars so DH can stay, when yo go visit them make it very clear that if they wake her up from a sleep that you will immediately be leaving, because you cannot have her sleep schedule interrupted.  Make sure you do this as empty threats are useless!

4. Make it very, very clear that what you say with bubs goes.  If need be, remove her and you from the situation – you’ll only have to do it a couple of times.

I’m very much looking at your ILs as lab rats who need training in the appropriate behaviours – easy for me to remove emotion from the situation but I think that’s what you need to do to help yourself.

i also like the PPs idea of getting a friend or family member to come stay for a few days – let you reset your baby’s schedule and also yours. Good luck!

Post # 12
Member
1487 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: September 2012

Mrslovebug:  honestly I can’t even get through another post about your insane in laws. I want to strangle these strangers on your behalf. Yes cut them off for the forseeable future. They are horrible people or mentally imbalanced.

Post # 13
Member
1458 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: October 2013

Yeah girl! Get angry!!!!

i think that for a people pleaser like you this is the only way you can put your foot down. To be absolutely at your breaking point. Find the strength inside to do what’s best for your baby and you and PUT YOUR FOOT DOWN! Don’t open the door, just don’t even acknowledge them. That’s the least confrontational way to help you control her environment and make sure she sleeps well.

 

and for heavens sake make your DH take over a feeding! Work out a schedule so that you can each get a small chunk of real rest. There’s no need for you to do it all alone. Then maybe once he realizes how hard it is to deal with her when she’s tired he will back you up more on this. 

Post # 14
Member
84 posts
Worker bee
  • Wedding: December 2015

Mrslovebug:  darling you need to find a stronger voice and be open and honest with them and your DH about how much they’re behaviour is disrupting your routine and making you unhappy. Your husband really needs to stand up for you, your a team. It sounds to me that if this lack of sleep and frustration continues you’ll be walking yourself right into postnatal depression territory. It’s not just your baby’s health it’s your health too.

Post # 15
Member
3016 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: July 2014 - Prague

Take a three week break and just don’t see them at all. AT ALL. You are going to have a break down otherwise.

(Obviously I haven’t read any posts and don’t know what the arrangement is. If they flew in to visit that won’t work, but if that is the case, just meet them for one-hour intervals and LEAVE.)

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