- 6 years ago
- Wedding: October 2012
I’m feeling very down on myself today, so I just need to get it out and then I’ll be okay.
I am a big girl. I always have been. I can’t remember a time in my life when I wasn’t overweight (apparently I was skinny until I was 4). However, I am generally comfortable with my body and how I look. I think I carry my weight well, and I feel confident most of the time.
Enter my BMs. One of them has always been very health oriented and regularly runs marathons and exercises 6 days a week while eating very balanced and nutritional meals. I commend her for taking such good care of her body, and she has never been judgemental about my lifestyle. On the other hand, my BFF has struggled with her weight and body image more than I have, and she used to be quite a bit larger than me. However, a few years ago, she started losing weight to try and get pregnant, and ever since then, she has lost a ton of weight. She had her baby last year, and she lost weight during her pregnancy (doctor supervised) and has lost even more weight after the baby. Now she has decided to train for a half-marathon as well. And lastly, there’s my younger sister. She’s always been much smaller than me, and since she recently moved to a city where everybody walks instead of driving, she too, has lost quite a bit of weight.
I am so proud of my BMs for living the way that I can’t, yet I feel so shitty about myself because every time we go out now, they’re always bonding over their meal plans and how many grams of proteins and carbs they eat and what speed and how long they ran today, and I’m just sitting there like a fat pile of shit who they blantantly ignore because I haven’t adopted their lifestyle.
It’s not like I don’t WANT to be healthy, I just need to commit to it in my own time and way. I’ve lost 50 pounds myself in the past 2 years (and put some of it back on), but I keep losing motivation. I know I should feel inspired that my friends are all doing so great with their goals, but I feel like they’re all so fit and healthy now and I’ve just been left behind.
It’s like I’m the ugly fat one in the wedding, but it’s my wedding. Irrational, but that’s how I’m feeling. Thank goodness I feel great in my dress (and it will have to be taken in), but I can’t keep up with my BMs. They’re getting smaller and smaller, and I just can’t keep up. I feel like they’re going to be these gorgeous skinny bridesmaids, and everybody will be disgusted with me, Jabba the Hutt Bride.