Weddingbee boards

SORRY FOR THE LONG POST, I JUST NEED TO VENT (because I feel like I can't share my thoughts or else I'd be ruining our reputations to family/friends)!

It all started when my fiance proposed to me...I asked him if I could wait one additional year so we could be more situated (at the time I did not have a great paying job and I had just graduated). But he said he would consider. Off course he was the one who texted and sent pics of our engagement to his family (which I am sure his overexcited mother shared with all her friends and extended family moments after). I on the otherhand did not share with my extended family until 3-4 months after the fact. My immediate family was not notified until 10 days after the fact (since I wanted my fiance to approach my father 1:1 for asking my dad permission for my hand...since my family is "off-the-boat"-uber-Catholic and it would have been a sign of respect. Since I was never the type of girl to dream about a wedding (heck I didn't even think I'd have a boyfriend until AFTER grad school). After thinking a few days, I dreamed of an elopement on a beach with 2 witnesses, and then later having the Catholic convalidation... I just wanted to be married WITHOUT a grand reception. It was either that or getting married in a nice Catholic church with up to 50 people attending then going to a restaurant afterwards. NO GRANDE RECEPTION, no music/dancing! But my fiance told me that I [especially he] would REGRET no showing me off, having a first dance in front of people. Totally opposite idea from me...obviously he's had this in mind since he was a little boy.

Well, a couple weeks afterward there was a famly party on his side where everyone congratulated him and I...and of course asked for what date we were planning on getting married. His mother was asking for the color scheme for the bridal shower. We hadn't set a date at this point, but figured it would be late-summer or fall.

Fast forward to the this past fall, we still hadn't had a reception site, ceremony site, or anything...(being Catholic, you need to be registered at a church and going through pre-cana minimum 6 months prior). His sister gets engaged out (mind you she still is in school, minimum wage part time job and has been dating her boyfriend for 1 year at that point). Within one week she gets her cake, band booked, reception site booked, dress. So again, his mother becomes concerned that my fiance and I had not had anything booked, OH AND not to mention, no color scheme! (I guess she wanted to buy the guest gifts and decorations for the bridal shower, since she already bought those for her daughter). I try to reason with my fiance to postpone our not-yet-set date/year to the year following his sister's wedding...fiance starts to pout and get upset with me since he WANTS TO BE MARRIED FIRST. I also find out that his grandparents are concerned that I won't marry him because I don't seem excited enough about planning the wedding (since obviously I should have been like his sister and booked everything within one week of engagement); my thought on what his grandparents said was HOW VERY RUDE!!!!!!. And he gives me the choice of either getting married or else he won't marry me at all. I give in to him because I could care less about the wedding planning or reception in general and LOVE him. I book a hall. Over the holidays, I put in an order on a dress, buy my shoes. We had met with a priest a week later (Septemeber 2010) for our initial meeting. Fiance comes out irritated because the priest was harping on him being "non-practicing"...so we stop going to the meetings for a few months while we are finding another priest that won't "irritate" him. During this time, he states he WANTS an outdoor ceremony [being Catholic, I know that it is near to impossible to have a Catholic wedding outdoors; if this was like my initial idea of "eloping" I would have been fine, but IN FRONT of MY uber-religious family & extended family...no]. This is where the family fights began.

So we did not book the site. I tell my fiance to keep his thoughts in his mind instead of discussing things to his sister or his family (since he was irritated that she was using the vendors I initially had looked at but wasn't planning on bookng til closer to the event). I guess she liked my potential vendors that she booked them herself. She even booked a ceremony at the park after her brother talked to his family about it. [I wasn't opposed to her getting married, although I thought it would have been wiser on her part to wait until after she graduated and had a good job, as well as was more familiar with her boyfriend. As I was dating her brother the past 5 years, she went out with over 5 other guys {suitors}, telling her brother that each one was like him and that she was going to marry the guy, one actually was going to propose (back in high school), but she freaked out and they broke up!] But to each their own. I think I would have been fine with her getting married a year before us...but not getting married one month and half apart! Before you criticize me, I understand that the wedding day is A DAY, NOT A WEEK, NOT A MONTH, NOT A YEAR. But stating that her family was stating "financial difficulty", this would put either one of us as disadvantaged. I did not want to pay for all my wedding (since I was already paying out of my pocket for 1/3rd of it), hence wanting to elope. I brought the financial concern (the strain both of us would be setting on the family) up to his sister (& congratulated her), but she said all was fine, that she was paying for most of it and most of the planning had been done. This confused the heck out of me..but whatever. I even told her I would move my date to another year, if fiance permitted bc I didn't want to strain her family. I figure out from my fiance that she is NOT paying for anything and that their parents are covering the WHOLE wedding aside from rehearsal dinner and liquor. That hurts (she lied to me). But again whatever...I had to deal with her brother which AGAIN, refuses to postpone the wedding because HE WANTS TO GET MARRIED FIRST, BUT IN A PARTICULAR WAY. His parents also cut down how much they were willing to help us with...didn't make me any happier.

I feel empty at this point and don't know what to do. This wedding planning is dreadful because I am not looking forward to ANY aspect of it. I feel like my relationship with him and his family (and my family) has been ruined. I am embarrased to even bring up the topic of marriage when anyone asks. I don't put a dramatic show on with him buy calmly tell him that we are not ready yet for this (unless he decides to elope)...because I fear about further ruining my relationship with anyone.

I don't know if it is just me...but it seems ridiculous to have that much focus in one day (wedding) instead of the actual marriage (life). It also seems like he is in competition with his sister.

I am sad because I was hoping to have a great relationship with everyone, but I also feel like I need to stand my own ground (do what I want as well) and keep people out of our business and stop bossing us around.

WHAT WOULD YOU DO?

@lezlers: I didn't mean to make it sound like his sister's excitement for her own engagement was a bad thing. She had been my best friend in high school. I just had personal concerns for her [but then again, who am I to judge her relationship and readiness]. I wish I could feel like that right now.

Previous to my fiance proposing, I did tell him about waiting until I was 2 years out of school at least before we got married/engaged, and he did say he would consider it once he did propose. (I actually asked him once more before I accepted: "Do you think it's too early? Are you sure we are ready?") I just felt like on my part he kind of "lied" and now it is making me look bad that I don't want to (or feel like) getting married this year (it is a huge financial burden to me: my father is unemployed right now and my mother makes minimum wage, so I am not expecting anything from them-I thought that in order to have this "dream" wedding of his, it would be wise to wait and save up for it...I guess our priorities are a bit different, hence me not being excited about it).

Like luckyprincess mentioned, he was giving me an "ultimatum". And now I feel like I am being FORCED to get married this year with this "grande" reception even though I would like an extra year for preparation (emotional). I feel like at this point it would definitely be beneficial.

I am meeting with another priest this week and I'll see how things go. I would hate to see the relationship come to an end, but like everyone here has said, if he doesn't take in account my thoughts, then maybe we shouldn't be. I honestly can't see how things would be in the future..him getting upset that I don't want to start a family at a certain age he stated instead of waiting one additional year (because we would be more "ready") I don't feel like dealing with emotional stress because he felt ready but I did not feel ready, especially after this hot mess. Marriage is supposed to be a partnership. I feel like his sister's engagement and wedding planning is pressuring him to think this way. He hates hearing anything related to his sister's wedding. Unfortunately.& HE definitely was not like this prior to our engagement (4 years of dating).

Anyways thank you for your comments, it is nice to have some other/outside opinions.