(Closed) Vent- do you ever feel like you have outgrown your bff?

posted 6 years ago in Emotional
Post # 3
7174 posts
Busy Beekeeper

Totally.  I’ve been going through this with a long-time friend (23 year friendship)…. we are changing.  I didn’t ever think it would happen, but she has some serious issues that she’s struggling to work through.  I no longer want to be her door mat.  When I was trying to figureout how to salvage the friendship, I realized that we didn’t really even have a friendship. She had a really tough time with me getting married (I was the last of her group of single friends to marry) and she felt replaced.

It’s crazy when you think about how much you want that person to be the friend you know they can be… but, like you said about your friend – when you honestly think about it – she isn’t.  

Friendships change over time and what I’m trying to do to not be sad about it is realize that our friendship had a season and it’s time to move on and develop relationships with people that you are able to have a reciprocal friendship with.

Post # 4
4755 posts
Honey bee
  • Wedding: May 2012

Yes, for this reason exactly is why I don’t think young people should be getting married.

Post # 5
1750 posts
Buzzing bee

@bobsoon2bewife9887: Its so odd that you posted this. I just hung up with my BFF that happens to be a family member. I love her but she constantly lies, when I say constantly… I mean it! She has always been a bit of a liar but I see her lying more and more to me and frankly it pisses me off. At Thanksgiving my uncle blurted out that we have nothing in common and if she was not family I would have nothing to do with her. He said she was not on my level. I was a bit taken aback but sadly it may be true. I have been volunteering at a hospital and they are in need of donations. I called a friend and got a $2,000 donation that I will use to buy blankets and diaper bags for the needy babies. When I told her about how happy I was to secure such a contribution with my first phone call she was really negative. She said how none of the doctors, managers and nurses would like me because I was making them look bad. She told me they would treat me like crap and be jealous. Actually, they were very open and kind and I have not told them about the donation, I want to surprise them. She seems to be the one that is jealous and negative. Maybe my mom and uncle are right. Its sad but I think I may have to distance myself. I know EXACTLY what you are going through.

Post # 6
2053 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: October 2011

@bobsoon2bewife9887: I understand. This has happened to me twice. Something about weddings that make us all reevaluate everything, and these situations surface. This isn’t a stupid post at all; your feelings are valid. It sounds like you’re just asking for the same kind of support and encouragement you give her. Perhaps she has grown too comfortable with your friendship to the point of dismissing compliments she’d otherwise give you or that you hear her giving someone new to her. Can you talk with her about this? Do you feel it can be resolved, or distance yourself a little, or part ways altogether? I’m in a similar battle now…ugh. Hang in there.

Post # 7
2158 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: July 2012

Oh I understand what you mean.  The same thing went with me and my high school best friend.  I grew up and moved on, but to be fair, my interests changed while she still is into comics and strictly does not speak about boys.  So really, I’m the one who changed I guess.

Post # 10
187 posts
Blushing bee
  • Wedding: December 2012

@bobsoon2bewife9887: I totally know where you are coming from. I often say that if I met my best friends today (I have 3 from elementary school), we probably wouldn’t even be friends at all.  But, that being sad,  they are my best friends despite our differences.  Yes, they aren’t in my life the way they used to be, but they are my only friends who have known me since I was 5 years old.  They know EVERYTHING about me, and even if we don’t live our lives the same way, they are still important.  I don’t consider it growing out of them, because a friendship isn’t a static thing, it grows and changes with the people who are involved.  Of the 4 of us, I’m the only one who keeps in touch with everyone,  and I often feel like I’m the glue that connect them together, but that’s what important to me, so I’m willing to be the glue.  Whatever you or your BFF decide to make of your relationship is what it will become, it’s ok to take some time apart, and it’s ok to talk about how you feel!  Hope it all works out!

Post # 11
732 posts
Busy bee

I’ve had a best friend for 17 years and she completely drains me. Her life is so full of drama (much of which she gets herself into) that she barely has time to be a true friend to me. I try cut her some slack, but when I got engaged and asked her to be my Maid/Matron of Honor, she barely congratulated me and started complaining about her loser baby-daddy/ex-boyfriend who can barely keep himself out of jail and how he won’t step up, and I was furious for days how she made this huge event in my life all about her.

I’ve contemplated not continuing our friendship, but I’ve realized over and over again how much I truly love her and I could never leave her. I feel like I may be one of the only positive influences in her life so I feel like I owe it to be there for her.

Post # 12
5296 posts
Bee Keeper
  • Wedding: January 1993

@vmec: pffffffffffffffffffffffffttttt. Sometimes people grow apart regardless of age. Sometimes they grow together. After all, some of us still seem to be friends with siblings….by that logic shouldn’t we all grow apart from them as we get older?

Logic like that makes me glad that marriage laws aren’t based on what other people determine to be the ‘appropriate’ age to get married. Maturity isn’t magically bestowed on a certain birthday. Kim Kardashian is 7 years older than me, and my marriage has already lasted twice as long. 


To the OP – sometimes you do outgrow your friends, or you develop circles of new friends. It doesn’t really sound like you’ve ‘outgrown’ her as much as you’ve realized that it’s not an equal relationship and she doesn’t do normal ‘friend’ things – like providing support and encouragement. 

Post # 13
12 posts
  • Wedding: June 2012

It is odd that major life events such as weddings and what not cause reevaluation of friendships. I dont really even consider my former BFF, a bff any longer. We just sort of went in different directions and I like the original poster decided that it is far better to have people who are encouraging surrounding the new life my Fiance and I are building together. Truth be told, I think weddings can highlight and bring to the surface some hidden truths about a friendship, especially if the friendship has been very one sided. In my case, I realized I was doing all the calling, texting, emailing, and just general “hey can we hang out”. Initially I thought it was wedding related. But then I made it a point to NEVER discuss wedding details and realized the sad state of the friendship. Best advice: Dont write your friend off completely because you have history and memories which can not be easily replaced. HOWEVER, I would and I currently do this, spend time and energy cultivating postive new relationships. GL

Post # 14
883 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: March 2012

Same here! But I love all of my girlfriends, we are all so different and I think that’s why we all get along so well! Those crazy bitches lol!

Post # 15
468 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: March 2012

@bobsoon2bewife9887: I’m glad someone else said this beacuse I was starting to feel crazy! My BFF said “really” when I got engaged. She seems more excited now but I feel as if we are drifting apart. She is still in college… grad school and I am settling down. I’m finding it hard to relate to her and I guess vice versa. It makes me sad :/ I love her to death and I hoping it changes.

Post # 16
12878 posts
Honey Beekeeper
  • Wedding: November 1999

YES!  I feel like we’ve drifted and she’s changed.  I keep trying to get back to where we were, but it feels like other things are tugging us apart.  We always thought she’d be the one to get married first and it didn’t work out that way, so I don’t know if it’s resentment/jealousy or what, but it definitely gets tiring/draining to deal with. 

Good to know I’m not the only Bee dealing with this stuff!

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