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@TheFutureMcBride: Oh I'm so sorry, I just teared up reading your post! :( I can't even imagine how hard it is for you to hear about all of your friends pregnancies. Is there some kind of support group you can join? It seems like somehting you should talk about with others who understand.
Oh, I'm sorry. I can't even imagine how tough it would be to suffer that loss.
And I'm sure nobody expects you to feign excitement for them and totally understand why you can't.
My ex's wife lost her baby when she she was about 8.5 months pregnant. I guess the umbilical cord wrapped itself around her neck and she didn't make it.
She was devastated. She was friends with another girl who was pregnant at the same time. They went through everything together. And their friendship suffered greatly after the baby's death. How could it not? One girl had a perfectly healthy baby. The other had an unexpected death.
Don't beat yourself up. Explain to your husband that you don't want to hear "we'll have another one", that you need him to allow you to mourn the loss of your baby.
Are you seeing a therapist or going to any support groups? If not, you should. I think it would help.
(((hugs)))
I am so sorry about your loss. I think sometimes it can be hard for partners to understand how you are feeling or to express it properly. I think you should sit down with him and tell him exactly how you feel and let him that sometimes you just want to whine and be cared for. It can be really hard to act strong all the time, we all need that time to not have our guard up.
I hope things get better for you and that you can find the support you need!
*hugs*
Yeah a support group would be nice, but there's one 45 minutes from home which meets once a month. I went once a couple months ago and one other person showed up. It only lasts an hour which really isn't long enough for anything. All this makes me mad too because there's four support groups 10 minutes from my house off the top of my head for new moms which meet far more (at least once a week) than the one for Angel Moms.
And yes, we went to a therapist after we lost Moose and were told we're doing better than any couple he'd ever seen in his 20+ years, so he really couldn't do anything for us.
Honestly, it's just like losing someone who is really close to you. The pain never truly goes completely away. There's always something which can make you smile at a memory or cry over the loss. The tears just happen less as time goes on. The only difference is I have to go into our next pregnancy knowing the exact same thing can happen again because there was no reason for Moose's death.
Hugs! I have never experienced a loss like yours. But, I do know what it is like to live with a husband who wants to fix things (i.e. say things he thinks will make me feel better) instead of knowing when to just listen, sympathize with my pain and affirm his love for me. Hang in there!
Being an angel mom myself, I completely understand. No one will ever completly understand the relationship you had with Moose. You were the only one who knew him. I wish I could reach out and hug you as there are no words of comfort that will help. For now I will send you hugs and good thoughts and prayers. If you ever need to talk you are more than welcome to PM me.
Poor FutureMcBride. I am so sorry for your loss. I am so sorry you are sad and heartbroken. I am so sorry you don't have anyone you feel like you can talk to about it. It's OK to be sad. It's ok to not be able to be happy for someone right now. I know the hive isn't there to give you a hug when you need it, but we are here for you. I'm sure your husband doesn't mean to diminish your feelings, and that he is dealing with his loss differently and trying to put it behind him.
@TheFutureMcBride: The only difference is I have to go into our next pregnancy knowing the exact same thing can happen again because there was no reason for Moose's death.
If it's at all of any comfort to you...the person I posted about above (the wife of an ex) just recently gave birth to a healthy baby girl.
From what I understand, she kind of hibernated during the last few months of the pregnancy and they didn't tell anyone other than their immediate families that she was pregnant until the baby was born.
I hope that your pain gets a little duller each day. Hang in there...
I am so sorry you went through that. How completely and totally devastating. I can't imagine how painful that must have been. I don't have any great advice, but wanted to let you know that you're in my thoughts.
Thanks everyone.
@tksjewelry: I'm sorry about your loss too. It's something that I wish no one understood.
@TheFutureMcBride: I'm am so sorry for you and you have all of my sympathy. What you went through has been something that has weighed so much on my mind lately. I wish I could send you all the warm happy hugs in the world. I am not a mom, so I can't say that I understand what you are feeling and offer you any kind of solice....but I just want you to know that I am truly sorry.
So sorry for your loss words cannot explain :(
I'm sorry you went thru that and i think if you talk to your husband about not liking the saying " we will have another one" he will understand.. :(
Of course Moose was real to you! I'm so sorry that the others in your life have trouble understanding that. And I'm sure your husband doesn't mean to be insensitive about it—I'm sure he really just wants to lift your spirits. Bless you!
Maybe this will or will not strike the right chord in you, but I thought it was amazing to read:
http://therumpus.net/2010/07/dear-sugar-the-rumpus-advice-column-44-how-you-get-unstuck/
I can't imagine what you did/still are going through. I don't really have any advice but wanted to say you are in my thoughts.
Oh you poor love. *Hugs*. Do you think your fella is having difficulty dealing with his own feelings on your loss? Perhaps he just doesn't realise how important mourning really is, he might think you need to head straight for the moving on phase. Take care, I don't have any personal experience of your situation but really wish you all the best.
Dear Moose's Mommy,
I know that you have another bee name, but in my mind, I always think that being Moose's mommy is your identity. Your grief and loss is so very real. I have had several friends become "Angel Mommies" to use your terms. My own grandmother lost a child at birth, and so I understand that- that grief is ongoing. My Uncle John was never forgotten, by his mother and father or by his siblings or their own children, and at my Grandmother's death... the comforting thought for us as her family, was that she could go an be John's Mommy. So you need to know that your grief and sorrow is okay. Moose is always going to be a special part of your life, and while others may not know the right words to comfort you, I think you need to know that they are reaching out in love to you! May God bless and comfort you, and remind you often that Moose's life did matter not just to you but to those who know and love you.
I am so sad reading your post and can't imagine all that you must be feeling right now. Just know that even if society doesn't have a lot of outlets for women to grieve a loss such as that which you have experienced, there are SO many women who will be here to support you. I just wanted to let you know you are in my thoughts and prayers!
My husband and I have also recently lost our baby. While we were not as far along as you and Moose, I loved our baby like she was already here. One of the worst things for me was when someone would say "You'll have another one", "You'll get pregnant again" or "Don't worry you will be a mom" those words while I know were meant to be a comfort was like a stab in the heart each time. The truth is yes, all those things are likely to be true, but it doesn't negate the fact that we lost our child. She was real to me. We planned everything for her from her name, to her nursery, who she would look more like, her first steps, first words, what her personality might be like, first of everything right up until she was an adult herself.
For me, it seems like when I start feeling somewhat human again something will happen that will set me back to the first day we found out our little one was gone. I ran into someone I haven't seen since we heard the news and the first thing she did was put her hand on my stomach. I felt like throwing up right there. I feel as though i have to put on this fake persona that everything is okay because other people don't understand that this was a real loss. People think because the baby did not exist outside the womb it made her less real and I should be able to move on.
I am not an overly emotional person by any means but from the time we started TTC the love we had for our future child was so strong. I understand where you are coming from and you are not alone. The pain and other feelings for these losses comes from a place so deep that it is hard to put into words. My heart still has not caught up with my head in believing that this was just meant to be. I feel your pain and I am truly sorry that you have to go through this.
Big, big hugs.
After we lost ours (just at the beginning of second trimester) my husband was clearly not feeling things the same way I was and I was kind of a jerk about it (I think at one point I told him I felt like he was being "cavalier" about it, which was unfair, but there was a big part of me- not one I like so much, but there nonetheless- that was really just pissed off that he seemed to be able to get over it when I couldn't). I think I felt like if anyone should have known how I felt/ been feeling the same way, it should have been him, when in fact I don't think he could have- I think only other women who've gone through it really "got it." I think the most comforting thing anyone said to me afterwards was "Yeah, that happened to [a mutual acquantaince] and she didn't get out of bed for a month." I didn't want to hear "you'll have another one," I just wanted to hear "That sucks so incredibly much and you're justified in taking a long time to become a functioning person again."
But anyway, another big hug.
To all the Bees who've lost: I'm sorry. It sucks beyond words.
To all the other Bees: thanks for reading and responding. I hope you never know a loss.
@Rosepetals: Your comment "it seems like when I start feeling somewhat human again something will happen that will set me back to the first day we found out our little one was gone," is exactly what yesterday was for me. It's just another set back day. Today is new. It's better.
@Gemstone: Yeah, he is trying to raise my spirits; he just can't read my mind (I thought that'd happen when we got married...haha), so he doesn't know when watching a show with pregnancy will bother me and when it won't. It's all hard to figure out unless he's in my head.
@Missbliss: Thanks!
@TheFutureMcBride: You sent me a very comforting PM a few months ago when I miscarried. It helped me and I thank you. :)
As you know, I wasn't very far along when we lost our baby- can't begin to imagine what you went through. But I do know about some of the things you mentioned. I had so many people say, 'Don't worry, you'll have a baby someday". NOTHING made me more mad/sad. And my husband (who I adore and who was wonderful the first month afterwards and helped me get through it!!!) hasn't brought up the miscarriage in over a month. ANd that just makes me sad. I think most men deal differently. There are days when I just wish he would bring it up, but I know that he thinks that would just upset me more. But I do feel like everybody (our family) just moved on and I'm still sad about it sometimes. It's definitely a crappy thing. :(
Hang in there. I know you miss Moose and you always will. PM me if you need to chat. :)
Oh sweetie ~ I can't even imagine. I have heard that there is no grief greater than losing a child. I am so very sorry. I can only imagine how difficult it is for you to deal with friends becoming pregnant while you are grieving.
Yes, hopefully, there will be other babies. But, no, there will never be another Moose, ever. And Moose will always be your first child. No one will ever replace that baby for you. I'm so sorry your arms are empty.......and your heart is aching. I wish I could just hug you or say something profound.... All I can say is that I am so sorry and I am sending lots of loving thoughts your way. Moose will always be with you, watching over you and loving you.
I can't imagine carrying a baby for so close to term and losing the baby. So, so sorry......
@Jenn23: Husbands do great, but they just don't understand that it's different when the baby is actually inside the body and everything they do can effect the baby. And family is hard too. One of my Grandmothers lost one at 5 months. She repeatedly told me to "get over it," and "just have another baby." Then proceeded to tell me that her mother had two stillborn babies and her only son lived one night. I just thought "thanks, if I lose another baby, someone is going to have to volunteer for me to punch them in the face and kick them in the shins."
@Cinnamon Roll: Thanks for the link. I read most of it, but I've never been a woman who laid in bed over my loss because I decided early on that I would never want Moose's legacy to be my misery. Those women just don't make sense to me. Maybe that doesn't make much sense to anyone except me, but it makes sense to me and that's what matters. I loved reading about the writer's experience with the girls though. That was really uplifting.
I know it has been awhile since someone has posted on this but I just found it and had to say something. I just had my little boy 5 months ago and when he was born the cord was wrapped around his neck...he almost didn't make it. They told us they were sorry for our loss and handed him to me. Somehow, wit his dad and me holding him and crying he came back. I live every day knowing that we got a miracle that not every person gets. I love my baby more than anything else in the world but I knew your pain, even if for a few moments, and can't imagine living with that pain every day of my life. Your strength is an insperation. Your story deserves to be told just like everyone elses. Those who have kids running around and making their parents pull their hair out...that is something people hear about every day. You have a right to tell anyone and everyone of your loss and not hear them say to just have another kid. You will, eventually, have another but until then you need to have people understand your pain. Moose is still your baby and, though you never got to hear his laugh or sooth his cries, you will see him someday in heaven and be able to hold him and kiss him and never loose him again.
@TheFutureMcBride: I know it won't help anything to say I'm sorry for your loss, nor will it help for me to say that your husband is simply saying those things because he doesn't know what to say for fear of making things worse instead of better. He didn't have a chance to connect the way you did.
The pain will let up over time, but it never fully goes away. The best you can do is hold on to the pillars of life you do have until another miracle comes your way. It will happen for you, I promise. I have faith.
At least you'll always have fellow bee-ers to write to. *hugs* I'm so sorry.
I always think of you whenever I hear about a still born. Really, I do. I've met moms who've had their babies taken away but I havn't ever heard their stories. We at the bee seem to know yours and try (in some sort of way) to connect with it. We will never know unless it happens to us what it feels like. All I know is that you don't have to be happy for anyone, its okay to cry, get bitter, laugh, have a good day or have a bad day.
I will never, ever say I know how you feel. You just can't unless you've been there. I only almost lost my son and I remember just the amount of pain it was just to have to think that we might have to let him go. We are pregnant again and all over the bee you will see how excited I am. How I can't wait to dress up my little girl, name her and finally have her. I know this is such a public site but I just wanted to let you know I know how hard it is to carry on with another pregnancy. On the inside I'm excited to be a parent again but just the other day I was in tears telling my husband I can't attach myself to this baby. My doctor told me I have a 60% percent chance of getting sick again like I did in my last pregnancy. I have to litteraly make myself buy baby clothes, talk to my tummy, or think about my life with this next baby. I don't feel like shes mine until she is here and breathing. I cannot watch another child of mine suffer. My husband just seems to think that I am hanging in the past. That I'm "babying" my health and that I need to treat this baby like my I did with my son. I just can't. Shes not mine and wont be till I know shes alright.
As for not being happy for others? Its not just you. Sooo many woman feel this way. I wouldn't wish harm on anyones child but I do hate it when I read about a friend going into natural labor around her due date and having a healthy baby. I hate to read that the baby got to go home after 2 days, I hate, hate, hate to watch a mother hold her child the second its born. I can't even watch A Baby Story on TLC. I feel like I'm somehow weak or that God just didn't feel I deserved the healthy baby or pregnancy. I feel like I will never get one. And to watch so many mothers experience the "miracle" of birth just rips open every scar of mine. I never thought I would ever be this bitter about something but I am. And you know what? As long as I am not hurting anyone I have every right to feel this way and you do too. Our husbands will never understand. No male could ever understand what its like to grow a human inside you. To feed it, love it, grow it and nurture it before it is even considard a person. Your baby will always be your first born. You will always considar yourself a mother of 2 when you have your next baby.
I am here if you ever need to talk. Your a strong mother and moose will always be apart of you. I wish you and your husband nothing but the best. :)
Oh my gosh, I am just heartbroken for you! I'm so very sorry for your loss. I have had 3 early miscarriages in the past and that was hard on me, so I can't even imagine what you are going through. It seems so sad when nobody understands or they don't acknowledge what an important part of you the baby is. Your feelings towards your pg friends are totally justified and I know I would feel the same way. I think it's hard for men to get it and they want to be the "strong" one so they try to reassure you with by telling you those things, but I know they just don't get it. I think it's hard for them to know what to do, and they don't carry the child so they have no idea! It's frustrating! I'm just so sorry you are going through this, and I hope that you find all the comfort and support you need! I had a baby sister that was stillborn, and I was only 10 but I will never forget how my mother grieved. Please take care of yourself and you will be in my thoughts.
I never knew, I'm so so sorry for your loss. You have every right to still be upset, and to feel the way you do. I applaud you for at least appearing to be happy for your friends' sakes. That, to me, shows your quality as a friend and person. I can only imagine how hard it must be for you to even do that much. It sucks your husband doens't get where you're coming from, sometimes it seems men will just never understand how it is to be a woman with this whole gestation business. I wish you all the luck in the future, and wish I could be there with you to share a drink and a few good laughs.
I can't even begin to imagine how devastated you and your partner must be. I just wanted to say I am very, very sorry.
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Sorry, I know this probably isn't the best place for this vent and that I should just go to dailystregth, but that place is so sad. I just can't get sucked into threads about a brand new Angel Mom and how devistated she is. It's just hard for me to read those. And I always read those. Plus, they have pictures of Angel Babies all over it. I hate those too as we chose to remember Moose as the baby alive inside me and not as an Angel Baby.
Okay, so now for my vent: Today another friend announced her pregnancy on Facebook. Yay for her. I can't say that I'm happy for her, but I'm not mad or hatefilled toward her. I'm something toward her, but this isn't my vent. It just leads to it.
Anyway, I just want to know that I can go home to my husband and whine and complain and cry because we should have Moose, but I can't. He just says things like "we'll have another one," and "you'll be a Mom." He doesn't get it from my side. Moose was my partner in crime for 34 weeks and 2 days. We went everywhere together, I sang awfully while Moose played air guitar. It was the best time of my life and I couldn't wait to carry on the fun times with Moose outside of the womb.
I'm just tired of having to pretend I'm excited about the eighth friend who is pregnant since I lost Moose. And I would like some sympathy, but no one understands that, although Moose was my buldged belly and some grainy photos to them, Moose was a living, breathing character of a person I'd waited my whole life to meet (I never dreamed about weddings; I dreamed about being a mother.) Not to mention, I'm not telling anyone (except my husband) I'm pregnant until I hold a living, breathing, healthy baby in my arms. Well, I'll tell the Bee.