- 2 years ago
- Wedding: August 2015
I had a board here about my FI finding out a few months ago that he has a son. I asked for it to be deleted as in my emotional state I had allowed wayyy to much information in and really didn’t want anyone to find it, but I just need to vent, some support please? and I know some people asked me for an update anyhow so here goes.
So we did the DNA test and it came back positive, the son is without a doubt my FI’s. Okay, cool so he passed that on to the mum and asked her where they go from here? He made it clear that he does want to take on as active a role as he can and be a dad. This was almost 2 months ago now that the results came in.
So he tried calling her, texting her and facebook messaging her. She waited a couple of weeks (despite the message on FB being marked as “seen”) and then texted him saying sorry, she lost her phone and changed her number. That’s fair enough right? Except this is the 3rd time in 3 months that she has changed her number. This is a red flag to me- but I haven’t said the same to FI as I don’t want him to worry about that on top of everything else. They talk on the phone and organise a time for us to go where she lives and meet. We get there and don’t hear from her. She later messages and says sorry, drama going on it’s a bad time for me and organises another time. We go to where she lives again at the prescribed time and get a message saying she will be an hour late. Wait the hour and she says she’s not coming as she has to feed the kids dinner. FI sends her a message saying he’s not happy about all this stuff around (still a polite message) and she sends back yeah, well it’s a really bad time for me. He waits a few days and then calls her and tries to have this meeting over the phone. She says she has no idea how she is going to tell his son that his dads coming into his life as she hasn’t really thought about it. She answers all questions with “i dunno” *giggles*. The only information she gives is that she wants FI to hang around son and her and then eventually she will tell him he is actually his dad. FI and I have already discussed this and disagree with this method as we feel his son will feel confused and lied to, like FI didn’t want to tell him he was his dad. FI told her this gently and said perhaps that wouldn’t be the best idea, but ge really want to discuss this with her and figure it all out. FI asks her to meet up and she says she has no money to go anywhere and he will have to wait another week. Fi frustrates me with this phone call as he doesn’t push whatsoever and in my opinion he should be saying at least “please, I just want to be a dad and meet my son. I know this is hard but we need to organise this” But I didn’t say anything as I don’t want to push him too hard.
On the weekend we had a bit to drink at home and FI just started bawling his eyes out. He just wants to meet him so bad and be his dad. It’s his birthday in a few weeks and FI wants to do something for him but knows it’s probably not going to happen. He doesn’t know what to do. It is causing tension in his family as his mum isn’t seeing all this and as he isn’t bad mouthing the ex at all (something we decided on from the start- I don’t either.) She is starting to get on his case about being a deadbeat. It causes me so much pain to see how much pain FI is in, I’ve never seen him like that other than when he first found out 🙁 I more than anything want the child to know his dad and to know he has a whole branch of family who are a little nutty but so so excited and want to get to know him and love him and provide and care for him.
I think it’s time for court. She has proven herself over 3 months to be inconsistent, and several things including the constant money issues and phone number changes actually worry me about what kind of state this poor child is living in. FI has called when he said he would and been at meeting places when he said he would except for one time where he worked late and called her as soon as he knew. 3 months this has being going on, that is ridiculous for something where we constantly travel to her neighbourhood. She isn’t even getting child support yet although FI has offered to pay as soon as he’s put on the birth certificate so imagine what she will be like when she is receiving money? I haven’t said this to FI yet, but I think if another couple of weeks go by and this is still happening I will do some research on the down low and get some idea of costs etc. to present to FI as an option, for him to take at his own pace but I just really don’t want him to feel like it’s all hopeless and that as a last resort, there are people that will help. If anyone has advice about the Australian family court system, particularly costs or helpful agencies that would be appreciated.
I should mention that FI spoke to her over the phone after the DNA results and said he believed I should be involved in this all as we are getting married and he thought she might feel more comfortable meeting me several times before visitations are organised as I will be spending time with their child. She totally agreed with it so I’m not pushing myself on their issue. FI is the one who wanted me there and I am just trying to support him.
This whole time, FI has just wanted to do the right thing for everyone. He has handled himself amazingly has not once said a bad thing to the mum and has just been incredibly mature and responsible. It hurts so bad that he isn’t getting rewarded for that. He has gone passed the terrified stage and is genuinely excited to bring his child into his world. Why can’t she just let them meet?? Argh!!
Thanks for letting me get that off my chest, I know there are few people who have been in my situation but anyone who has anything to input or an opinion please share!