(Closed) *Vent* For the 10th time-Pick up your underwear!!!! (Long! NWR)

posted 5 years ago in Relationships
Post # 3
Member
563 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: December 2013

You said the deadly word… “XBOX”!! I despise that thing. It really ls like the other woman sometimes LOL.. FI and I had this discussion today, as he seems to think his life only consists of XBox and work. 

There are 2 ways to approach this. Rational or Irrational.

Rational: Chores list — Really spelling it out for him. 

Irrational: Hiding the damn thing until shit gets done!

I have done both. They only work briefly until you have to flip flop them. 

Of course, you can do what that chick on Bridezilla’s did last year and smash it to pieces lol.. 

Good Luck! I know its tough but hell get it eventually!

Post # 5
Member
46129 posts
Honey Beekeeper
  • Wedding: November 1999

IF he knows you are going to cave and do his chores, it’s easy for him to ignore them. You will always rescue him.

Don’t do the dishes ( have a secret stash of plastic cutlery and paper plates for yourself). When there are no clean pots left stop cooking. Don’t do his laundry, don’t do the vacuuming.

If there are no consequences to his lack of action, he will have no motivation to ever do his chores.

When my first husband and I were newlyweds, he started leaving his dirty clothes at the foot of the bed. The laundry hamper was in the bathroom. I just left the clothes right where he put them. Pretty soon the pile was higher than the bed. He asked ” When are you going to do laundry?” I said ” I have been doing laundry. All the clothes in the laundry hamper are washed each week.”

We didn’t need to argue or fight. He knew I was dead serious about not picking up after him and changed his ways.

Post # 6
Member
5663 posts
Bee Keeper
  • Wedding: August 2012

I am SOOO GLAD my husband has no interest in video games. Not that he doesn’t slack on chores for other reasons, but this is not a battle I have to fight that I have many friends who DO. I would suggest giving the xbox a liimit. Unfortunately, men who act like boys get treated like boys. Tell him his life doesn’t revolve around the x box and that you work full time just like he does, and he neds to do his share of the household chores. Maybe set a limit of 1-2 hours of game time per day, maybe the first two hours he’s home from work, and then he’s done. You should also explain to him that having to do everthing yourself and feeling unappreciated does NOT make you attracted to him, it makes you resentful and he can’t just do whatever the heck he wants and then expect you to jump on board, you’re not a blow up doll. 

Post # 7
Member
228 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: June 2015

@julies1949:  This is totally what I would do. There is NOTHING I hate more than having to pick up slack for someone else and feeling unappreciated for it! Let him look like a scruff bag. This makes me angry FOR you, actually. Sometimes I think weddingbee just stresses me out  😛

Post # 8
Member
4660 posts
Honey bee
  • Wedding: August 2013

I’m hearing that you’re reading his lack of chore-doing as almost a lack love-showing. You seem to feel unloved and disrespected. To reassure you, this is probably not the case. He likely doesn’t understand exactly what his lack of work is making you feel, and you should tell him in simple, plain terms. The “love language” thing applies here, you may care a lot about acts of service and he simply doesn’t understand why.

I see where you’re coming from, I’ve had similar issues with my FH in the past — when we first moved in together, he’d never really lived in on his own before except for a short time with a couple guys, neither of whom cared what the apartment looked like. (I literally cleaned their kitchen every time I visited during our LDR phase just so I’d feel ok cooking in it.)

Since then, housework stuff has improved massively, as we mostly have two rules:

1. For most chores: Clean your own mess (do your own laundry, tidy your own things, etc.) 

2. Plus a few exceptions, when one of us either cares more or is more capable than the other. I do dishes 99% of the time, because I hate dirty dishes and he doesn’t care. He does garbage almost every time, because he doesn’t mind doing it and I do.

My FH, too, balks at having his gaming time interrupted for chores, and we’ve had a few fights about that because I don’t ask him to do something until I’ve had it up to here and I expect him to do it noooowwww, meaning put down the controller and do it. However, I realized that if he had other hobbies, I wouldn’t expect that of him. If he was into hiking or golfing or fixing cars instead, I couldn’t exactly phone him up and say, “Come home and do your laundry.” So I relaxed my expectation a little. (Gaming replaces all other hobbies for him.)

You should probably continue not doing his laundry (and anything else that ought to be his responsibility) and just cope with his scruffiness for awhile. He will eventually run out of clothes and have to do it himself.  

If you want to get very drastic, when you tidy things, start putting the items he needs to deal with on his side of the bed/on his pillow/on his keyboard/etc. You don’t have to find a home for it or clean it, it’s his responsibility. This is a gentle, non-naggy way to remind him. 

See if there’s any chores he *cares* about (maybe he hates to see a lot of trash in the bin, maybe he hates when the floor is dirty, maybe he can’t stand clutter) that he’ll actually do if you leave them alone long enough.

And finally, you may have to simply accept taking a larger share of household chores, and discuss with him other ways he can contribute (spend more on household expenses or something) so that you don’t feel taken advantage of. It doesn’t have to be 50/50 in every aspect as long as it balances out somewhere else that makes you happy.

For me, I too have a very high need to feel appreciated, so if he is expressing his gratitude sufficiently, I’ve found there’s a LOT more work I can tolerate. You might be the same, so a discussion about ways he can show his gratitude for your housework might be valid also.

Post # 9
Member
1044 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: June 2012

I’ve got into the habit of saying to my DH, “I’m, going to clean the kitchen now, so while I’m doing that can you please run the vacuum?” or making little challenges like, “I bet you can’t finish folding the laundry before dinner is ready.” or, “hey, if we get done the dishes and ironing right after dinner, you’ll have the evening free to play X-Box, while I take a bath. Which chore would you like to do?”

I try to find ways to ask him to do things without sounding naggy, or frustrated because that only results in fighting. So far, it’s worked for us, and the house has never been cleaner.

Good luck. Hope you are able to find a solution!

Post # 10
Member
105 posts
Blushing bee
  • Wedding: November 2013

Wow. I totally feel you on this one. For me, it really depended on the game. Online games can’t be paused (since you’re online with others) so those are the games that grind my gears the most.

Are you able to sort of “compromise” him into doing his chores?

Gaming is stress release for my FH, and I know he really enjoys being able to be silly with his mates playing online, so I don’t want to take that away from him. BUT he knows that he has to help out around the house, or do whatever he’s supposed to do that night, first. The whole ‘do your homework, then you can play’ type of thing. I did also say that if his gaming gets in the way of stuff, or he’s gonna ignore me, then I’ll switch the X-box off at the wall in the middle of his game, or take away a necessary cable. But only if it came to that point.

Is there a way that you could say “HEY! That’s cool if you wanna play, but you gotta make sure this gets done first.”? It’s a non-confrontational way of asking, as well as reasonable!

In terms of ‘sexy time’, are there any nights that he’s not playing X-box? While he’s playing, you might be able to tear him away from the X-box by saying something like “you’ve got # minutes to get to the bedroom otherwise I’m going to sleep”. Obviously, that can’t be a recurring thing expected of you.

You’ll probably need to have another talk with him at some point. Choose a time when you’re not angry and he’s not playing. I totally get where you’re coming from though, but because I don’t know what his personality is like or anything, I can’t really judge what kind of reactions he gives you.

Good luck!!

Post # 14
Member
4660 posts
Honey bee
  • Wedding: August 2013

@Wonderfully:  http://www.5lovelanguages.com/ is the homepage for the book, and has a lot of info. A quick google of ‘love languages’ however should allow you to do a fair amount of cheating, as in finding stuff that’s in the book on the internet. 

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