Post # 1
Need some advice. Fi and I commute to work everyday on the train and we get off one stop away from eahc other so it makes sense for us to just take the train together. We both enjoy the walk to the train, the ride and little extra time together. So whats the problem?
We hardly ever get to work on time.
FI has been at his job for a really long time, they love him and he can get in as late at 10:30am if he really wanted. I would like to be at work at 9:20am if possdible. This means leaving my house at 8:30am/8:40. We consistently leave at 8:55am or later. We have two dogs and I used to walk them all the time in the morning but FI and I agreed that he would start walking them because I really handle all other household responsibilities. I still walk them sometimes in an effort to get out of the house faster. Sometimes FI hustles and its great but most of the time, I get to work later than everyone else on my team and its embarrassing.
Fi and I have discussed this numerous times. I am better at not freaking out about it wen it happens, I stay patient and calm and say “we need to leave earlier”….but we still elave late. so every now and then I kind of lose it. I get frustrated because he KNOWS this and its not like this is something we cant control. we can 100% control it and he acts like I’m this “angry person” who just flips out for no good reason all the time. I also asked him to get some jewlery of mine fixed because he works close to the diamond district…TWO MONTHS i have been waiting. he took it yesterday. I have repeatedly asked him to clean out the closet in the bedroom and the desk area (because thats all his “stuff”) and 6 months later….nothing. Last month (after i found something addressed to his ex wife..obviously from at least 6 years ago) I begged him to clean out his stuff so I dont need to come across it. He swore he would clean it by the end of the month (March)….still hasnt been cleaned out.
I feel like when I’m patient, he doesnt feel a sense of urgency to do what needs to be done. I hate nagging him. But then I get frustrated and I make a little noise and it gives us reason to really talk about it, and then I feel like we get somewhere, only that doesnt help either because his behavior doesnt change.
Then there are times when I say forget it and jsut do it myself…but then we’re back to square one because then I;m doing all the work. 🙁
Thanks for letting me vent….advice? how do you get your partner to help?
Post # 3
Leave without him. I get why you like taking the train together, but if getting to work on time is important to you, go without him.
Then on the train, you can listen to music, read, etc 🙂
Post # 4
I would start leaving without him. If he values the time on the train together as much as you do, then hopefully he’ll get his act together and leave earlier with you. If not, you need to be on time for work. Not sure what kind of job you have, but tardiness could come up in evaluations or when being considered for promotions. He’s not being very considerate.
Post # 5
@Glasgowbound: I’ve tried…then he whines that he misses our time together…and so do I. andthen we leave one time for a day or two…and then late again. Plus that doesnt help with other things like cleaning or running an errand. 🙁
Post # 6
@1stRosie: i know with things like errands and wedding plans, I need to give FI a deadline. If I ask him to make plane reservations, he’ll say sure and it will be 2 days before we leave and we have no tickets. If I ask him to get tickets by x date, he will do it. I also put reminders in his phone – they beep and can be set every day.
I also give him a deadline of about a week before it would make me crazy that it’s not done. That way if he doesn’t do it, I have time to nag and get it done
Post # 7
@1stRosie: then decide. Are you going to give in to his whining about time together to the train at the expense of embarrassment at work, or are you going to get into work on time? How about this: if he’s not ready to leave on time, then just leave. If he wants time with you, then he should get his ass ready on time.
I used to walk to school with my brother until he started leaving later and later. As much as I enjoyed walking to school with him, I wasn’t willing to arrive in school right as the bell for homeroom goes, so I started leaving without him.
Post # 8
@strawbs: I suppose you’re right. Any advice on how to get him motivated to do things i ask him to the first time?
Post # 9
It seems like you’re not going to be able to get him to change, and you need to start going by yourself to work. I feel you on the other stuff. My SO’s sense of tidiness is not the same as mine and no amount of reminding or nagging will get him to change. If I specifically ask him to clean up and he can at that very moment, he will. But if I ask him to do something he can’t do right then, like clean his part of the office, it ight be months. I have just come to accept this about him. He is not doing it to spite me or ignore me, and it really has nothing to do with me. I think I have gotten him to be a little neater, but most of it is me letting go of trying to make him be a certain way.
Post # 10
@1stRosie: LOL I just got done posting a thread similar to this not an hour ago. Basically, if I want something done or want my boyfriend to do something, I just do it myself.
If there is something he doesnt want to do, he’ll just make excuses or put it off and next thing you know I’ve done it already. That is starting to come back to bite me in the ass, as alot of stuff that doesnt have to be my responsibility now is.
So, I dont have really any advice other than to choose your battles: if it’s stupid and little (like a cleaning task), I’d just do it myself…but if it’s something more serious and more his issue, make him do it. That’s what i’m trying to do.
Post # 11
Maybe try getting up a half hour earlier together and see if that works.
My husband and I have a task chart we keep on the fridge. We each have a set of things to do each day/each week. SOunds super childish but it works! It was a big problem when we first moved in together, because he was extremely messy and it drove me up the wall. Now we treat ourselves each week if we get everything done, like with a dinner together.
Post # 12
@badabing88: Sorry to hear you are having the same issue! i feel like its common– this must be what every woman goes through. I do a lot to keep things off his back– I clean the entire apartment by myself every two weeks simply because i dont enjoy the job he does haha (in return, he always sends me for a mani pedi so its sort of even haha), he NEVER washes a dish…I feel like i dont ask for that much and I try to be nice about it…but its noyl when i sigh and huff and puff and make a fuss that hes actually moved to do something. WHYYY do they do this to us!?!
Post # 13
@mrswestcoast: Thats a good idea the task chart! I feel like it is a little childish but if it works, then fine! We have a shared calendar on our iPhones and reminders…maybe I could put these things on his reminders list with alarms hahah
Post # 14
- Wedding: November 2013 - St. Augustine Beach, FL
I would be concerned you might lose your job and he probably wouldn’t be happy about that. Leave earlier on your own. It’s his responsibility to be an adult and leave earlier. Making you late is irresponsible of him (and you) plus it shows that while he values his time with you, he has no respect for your work or life outside of the relationship.
Post # 15
So what if he whines – if your time together really means that much to him, he’ll make the effort to get his rear in gear at the right time once he realizes you mean business. Your reputation at work is important, and he has to realize you have a stricter start time than he does.
My FI and I also take the same bus to work, and we almost never miss the bus I want to take (leaving at 7:22; the next one leaves at 7:37). However, that’s because I have my alarm set for frightfully early because I KNOW how slow he is in the morning. I could wake up about a half-hour later and still catch the bus; he absolutely needs that extra time.
FI and I also agree on deadlines for tasks he needs to complete – it really pisses him off when I nag him, so we decide together that he has to do X by Y time or else it’s open season for nagging. There were a couple of hiccups at first (like him thinking he just had to START the task by the deadline instead of having it DONE), but it works great now.
My parents said that when I was a kid, I was OK with pretty much anything as long as I had advance warning. I find that the same is true for my FI – “Sweetie, remember that we’re going grocery shopping as soon as we get home from work tomorrow” followed by “Remember, we’re going grocery shopping this afternoon after work” followed by “See you on the bus, baby – don’t forget about grocery shopping!” The same is true for chores around the house, etc. Good grief, I even have a white-board calendar mounted on our pantry door in full view, so he can’t say that something snuck up on him. It really does help.
Post # 16
I honestly don’t know how you put up with that shit. I hate creating that whole dynamic of Parent/Child in a relationship which is basically what it becomes.
I think setting deadlines or a set time for cleaning that you both agree on.
As for the whole train thing frankly it’s beyond ridiculous. You need to get yourself out of the house on time, when he tells you that he misses the time together either schedule another time of day to have time together, or tell him to step up and get ready in time.
Consequences for behavior I think are basic things learned in childhood and if he know you aren’t going to wait for him he will push himself ot get ready in time.
I think have conversations serious conversations and telling him how upset it makes you. I think a lot of these little things like have the responsibility for household solely on shoulders can easily snowball and grow into something bigger, and cause a lot of resentment.