- 7 years ago
- Wedding: October 2011
@Cornflakegirl: I WISH I got that response. I think you are being too hard on her. She replied to you and asked you questions which to me means she’s interested. I think your judgements of her intentions are uncalled for. Hopefully you both can come to an agreement on this.
@Mrs.ChubbyBunny: Thank you for your response. I greatly appreciate your opposing view. I guess it is just the history I’ve had with her (she was once in love with me…and may still be…) that brings up all this emotion and anger at her manipulation. When she writes me, it is as though it is an annoying ex-boyfriend, even though she and I never had that kind of relationship, at least, not from my end! It is so late in the game, it is also as though she expects to still be in the bridal party. It has been since last November that she was first asked and now, suddenly she gets her STD and contacts me. I will take your advice into consideration.
Reading her response, it doesn’t actually mention anything about being in the wedding. It seems that she is acting like she is interested in attending the wedding as a guest. How much time passed between the email you sent to her and her response back? Are we talking a few weeks, or several months? I ask, because perhaps she purposely left it late to passively decline being IN the wedding, but still would like to attend. It does sound like she is trying to be interested in your wedding plans, and perhaps she’s going about it in the wrong way. :S
I have to say that I agree with your annoyance with her. You are under 2 months from your date and someone who is supposed to be a good friend hasn’t cared enough to make arrangements or ask whats happening??
I’d be annoyed too. I think that if you don’t feel like helping her figure it out then don’t. You have plenty on your plate this close to the wedding.
Can’t you just ignore her email, as she did yours? Or just tell her you’re sorry, but you do not have time to find her accomodations, and if she would like to come, she has to figure it out herself.
@Mrs.ChubbyBunny: Yes, that’s why I posted that link for more gory details, but honestly it’s okay, I didn’t expect you to have to read that long vent, too. 😉 We’ve been friends for over 20 years and it was in high school that she had this crush on me. It’s been many years since then but suddenly, it is all rearing its ugly head again. I thought it was safe to ask her to be in the bridal party, that enough time had past, but now I regret it. 🙁
@GDub: Thanks for your response. Yes, it’s been months, and I completely agree with you. Therein lies her streak of manipulation I mentioned. 😉
@Crisark: Exactly. Thanks for understanding.
During your video chats and conversations, did you not tell her the date or discuss anything about your wedding? I know you said that she seemed disinterested, but I wonder what information you gave her during those times. Did you ask if she checked her email?
I’m kind of bad with email (other than my school address) and all of my friends know to call or text me to get my attention.
I’m not saying she’s right, but I can see how having 156 new emails from junky websites and yours being smack dab in the middle could get overlooked.
I have to differ a little from your opinions on the bride’s responsibility to her guests. 🙂 I think your friend’s questions were entirely reasonable, and whatever baggage you may have with her, that is information that you should be willing and able to provide when you’re host of an event where you invite guests to spend thousands of dollars of their own money and travel thousands of miles. (NY to CA–you want her to pay round trip airfare, lodging, local transport, food, etc. Probably for several days, since she’d want to arrive the day before and leave the day after, at a bare minimum.)
So yes, as host, it’s your job (or one you should assign to someone in your wedding party) to look into reserving a block of hotel rooms for your guests at a group rate, helping attendees coordinate ride shares or couch shares if they can’t afford the hotel on top of travel for Your Special Day, giving them instructions on transportation options to and from the airport to your locations, and organizing activites for your out of town guests, who have taken the time and spent the money to come and celebrate with you.
I don’t mean it to sound like it’s just you, I’ve seen this kind of irritation with long distance guests from lots of brides, and I don’t understand. Mr. E. travels a lot for work and even those conferences are thoughtful enough to organize group rates for hotels, come up with lists of recommended local restaurants, provide transportation directions to and from airports, including maps that show the location of the event and the various hotels. I don’t think it’s unreasonable that the hosts of a wedding would do the same for their friends and family, the people they love and care about.
I read through your other post and this one, and to be honest, I’m surprised you are still friends with W! I completely understand your annoyance and would write back some quick, generic answers if you can. You might be able to say,
“Hey! I’m super busy with planning, but wanted to get back to you to let you know that I had a block of rooms at XXX hotel, and most family will be flying in on XXX airline. Most people are making their own travel arrangements, so I apologize for not knowing more about their lodging. Hope to see you there!”
A short timeline of the wedding day events will indicate that she isn’t really considered to be in the bridal party any longer and that you’ll only expect her as a guest. And after the wedding, I don’t think you really need to go out of your way to make sure her feelings aren’t hurt. She sounds overly needy and negative whenever she contacts you, and you don’t need that…especially right now!
@MrsSl82be: Hi there, yes I suppose I could ignore her but I don’t want to be tit-for-tat with her. I appreciate what you wrote and agree with the latter portion, to just write her a brief message as you suggested. Thank you!
@EsqBailey: During our video chats I did indeed share with her some details but she was disinterested and would change the subject. I didn’t ask if she checked her email. I find it odd that she’d receive every other email from me but that one and respond timely to every other email but that one.
@Elvis: Thanks for your response. I have done my bride-ly duty of making her and all my guests aware of accommodations that I’ve set up for them. I reserved a block of rooms at 2 hotels. I created a website with further local information, directions, travel info. transportation info. and things-to-do activities info. She has been to California to visit before. Everyone is well informed, but this time, she chooses not to be, and expects special treatment after ignoring and poo-poo-ing my sincere request for her to be a bridesmaid, when I had the chance to hold her hand, look her in the eye and ask her in person. For her to assume that it would be okay for her to crash at someone’s house, assume that someone would chauffeur her around, and assume that I’m going to arrange that for her is not my responsibility. I am less likely to extend that extra courtesy to her especially after she has not extended much courtesy to me. Yes, I am well aware of the thousands of dollars it takes to go to someone’s wedding across the country — I have done the same for many friends and expect to do the same for this friend as well, come her time to marry. Life does offer the opportunity for us all to reciprocate.
@2PeasinaPod: BINGO! Thank you so much for your response and for taking the time to read that other long post. I love your suggested response and that is what I shall do. Thanks!
@Cornflakegirl: I think that there are alot of things going on here. 1. I dont know if there is a type of “formal” way to be asked to be a bridesmaid and I think blasting you out about not asking her the way she wanted and wanting a more intimate setting is a little crazy. 2. Did she every agree to being in the wedding? 3. I dont think that its fair ro ask her to put her up at someone house that she does not know. Now blocking off rooms, thats one thing but me forcing somone (a stranger no less) to have another stranger in my house is not an option.
It might be best to say something to her about it and move on because the anger is not good for you right now.
@cameronwedding: Thanks for writing! Yes, I agree with #1 and #3 all the way! As for 2, she never agreed to being in it. I asked her to consider it and said I would follow up with further details and she gave a hollow “hmm…okay…”response, as in, okay I’ll consider it, which is what I asked of her. Not jumping up and down, crying with joy saying YIPPIE! I’d love to! Or anything as concrete as such.
I didn’t even formally ask 4 of my BMs, i asked the other 2 while we were at work. lol. I didn’t know people did big ‘will you be my bridesmaid?’ gestures until after I joined WB. <3
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