Post # 1
…and it is starting to get to me. I feel like I can’t even lay around watching TV for a couple of hours without hubby thinking I’m lazy. He made me feel guilty for doing my nails yesterday; he kept throwing the dog’s ball at me, making me all distracted with my nails (which I only do once every 2 weeks). And when I was working on a craft project for a wedding shower in the kitchen, he made me stop what I was doing to take the dog outside while he laid on the couch….which led to me getting distracted again and placing my glass etching brush straight on the paper towel, which bled through and etched the granite, thus ruining it, which obviously I got yelled at for. And while I was picking up lunch (for him) and buying wrapping paper for said shower, DH got bored and decided to clean….he cleaned the master bathroom…all but my side of the shower. WTF? Passive aggressive much?
Grant it, I don’t clean as much as I should, but I also work 40 hours a week at a stressful job and have a million bizillion other things to worry about. I have offered up my own money to hire a maid to come once a month, but hubby won’t have that. But, then he’ll complain about things not being clean and how he’s the only one who does anything. Again…to this I say….WTF. He also works from home and is lucky enough to have time to clean during off-time, where as I’m stuck at work browsing the internet.
He was off on Friday, and I went to work, but I’m still expected to complete the same amount of housecleaning/work. It’s just not fair. Hubby did say that he weeded my dang flower bed in the front on Friday for me, but it looks like crap still, because apparently he can’t tell the difference between a weed and a flower. This was another thing I offered to pay to get removed….I hate weeding/gardening, but our house is full of landscaping. Again, won’t be removed, but I’ll still be responsible for doing somethign about it to make it look nice.
Bees I am at my wits end. Maybe its time to take things into my own hands. I get to start working from home 2x a week starting at theend of the month, so maybe I will hire the maid to come on one of the 2 days I work from home. What would you do?
Post # 3
If you don’t have the desire or time to clean but the money for the maid, I say get the maid. Or your husband needs to decide he wants it done and do it.
Post # 4
What I would do is tell him to stop being a passive aggressive ass and sit down with me to figure out our game plan instead.
If you start with a speed cleaning regimen like this and then tailor it to your home and you guys’ needs that would be a good start. Then the two of you can figure out who does what each day/week/month and at what time (before going to work for some, as soon as you get home for some, some time betime bed for others.) maybe the two of you can get a handle on things.
But, sheesh. Frustration is understandable (even from him, if he thinks you expect him to do more from home- even if that is innacurate) but being passive aggressive is never an acceptable reaction. He needs to put that energy towards communicating with you like a big boy and coming up with a game plan that works for the two of you. Make sure to mention to him that you don’t appreciate the way he’s been acting.
Post # 5
@coffeegal85: I would talk to him about the maid again. If not you need to clean a little each day. You just pick one thing and do it each day until everything is done. Don’t let the cleaning build up.
Post # 6
The house isn’t a pig-sty or anything….when I refer to cleaning, I am referring to deep cleaning, such as scrubbing the shower.
The other issue is with the vaccum. Our vaccum is as old as me and so heavy, my weak upper body can’t push it. I’ve mentioned getting a new, lighter vacuum, but nope, ours is good quality and they don’t “make them like they used to.” How can I vacuum if I can’t push the dang thing?
Post # 7
I guess first I would take a look at what else he takes care of. Does he cook and do the dishes too? Does he do lots of house repairs or improvements? Does he mow the lawn and take out the trash? I’m just saying that maybe he feels like he has a lot of responsibilities already and that he’d like you to take some on also.
This vent sounds like how I feel sometimes, that is why I bring this up. My FI and I live together and he works from home 2-3 times per week. I was working 40 hours a week and now I am in law school and gone all week. I have been home when he is working from home and he seems to have a lot of free time. I would sometimes get frustrated that I would do all the cleaning and the cooking but he also takes care of a ton of stuff that I don’t contribute to at all (mowing the lawn, all of the improvements on our older home). So, maybe you feel frustrated that he didn’t clean your side of the bathroom, but maybe he also felt frustrated that he did x and y and was hoping you would clean the bathroom.
Again, I have no idea if that is what is going on. Just trying to give another perspective.
Post # 8
@GamerGuy: +1, house cleaning is so much easier if you keep on schedule.
Post # 9
@coffeegal85: My FI and I have “his jobs” and “my jobs” that way we don’t fight about who is or isn’t doing things or if it’s equal. Just sit down one night and write down all the chores you have, then divide them up starting with ones that you don’t mind and he doesn’t mind. It may not be a 50/50 split (for my FI and I it’s about 90/10, but I’m at home and he isn’t).
Also, I am moreso the one you manages the household. So if it were me, I would just hire a maid and buy a new vacuum and if he made a fuss I’d say “just wait and see” and I’d bet $100 that after the first two weeks or month or something he’d be saying “this is great why didn’t we do this earlier?”
Also, don’t feel bad about feeling lazy… one of the biggest things that couples fight about other than money is household chores. There’s even a thread on the Bee that demonstrates that! Just figure out a game-plan.
Post # 10
@Kir32: He does have alot of responsibilities, I get that. But, I feel like I have responsibilities, too, that go unnoticed. Alot of my responsibilities aren’t measurable. For example, one can see that the trash was taken out or something was cleaned, but the hours researching landscapers to regrade our backyard isn’t. This is where I feel the disconnect is happening. He may be cooking dinner in the kitchen and sees me on the IPad, but I’m not playing around, I am shopping for birthday gifts, shower gifts, stuff for the dog, etc, etc. Stuff he doesn’t have to worry about, because wifey takes care of it all.
Post # 11
1) I find it easier to stop looking at it as “mine” vs “yours” ( i.e. MY side of the shower, MY flower bed). You both need to sit down and divvy up chores and expectations for BOTH of your things.
2) Just because someone “has more time” doesn’t mean the onus always falls on them for house cleaning. It is 2013, most of us all have to work/commute and most people don’t want to feel like they put in a full days work + most of the house work because “they’re there more”. Again, you two need to sit down and discuss who can tackle what and how much time you’re willing to devote to it .
3) if it is just too much, I second a maid BUT it sounds more like a communication/expectation breakdown more than anything else.
Post # 12
Like @Kir32: I also feel a little like it sounds like your husband feels at times. But I’ll be the first to admit that I can get a little irrational about it, and start looking for things that my husband didn’t do when I get really frustrated. It’s something that I have to work on a lot.
That said, try to sit down and talk to him rationally and calmly about this. Come up with a specific game plan. He may feel like there’s no need to waste money on hiring help for something you can do yourselves. If you hate weeding, but don’t hate doing the dishes, maybe you come up with a compromise where weeding is his responsibility (after you teach him correctly) and you do the dishes or something. But put specific parameters around it, and hold yourself accountable. If you should be cleaning the bathroom once a week, do it well, and maybe even try not to wait until the very last minute of that week.
What struck me about your vent was how “mine” and “yours” versus “ours” it seems. Like having different distinguishable sides of the shower? Or your flower bed, or your money.
It just sounds like you have some communication issues to work through. Seems like your husband may be overreacting and taking things a bit far, but it also sounds like you could work out a plan where you are holding yourselves accountable to share responsibilities in a way where no one feels attacked, or like they are doing too much.
Post # 13
I would just try to work harder to make things 50/50. If you clean a little everyday, it really isn’t a HUGE amount of work to upkeep the house. We do our own landscaping (19,000 sq feet lot), our own pool cleaning, our own house cleaning, cook everynight and wash dishes before going to bed. We both work more than 40 hours a week and neither one of us works from home. It can be done. Just try to manage the time and share responsibilities. 🙂
Post # 14
@coffeegal85: shopping online and looking up landscapers sounds fun, though! I get they are also tasks that should be done, but it’s much less tedious than washing stuff and taking out garbages.
doesn’t excuse him being passive aggressive, but I can understand his frustrations. if I were you I’d just hire a maid, it’s your money, you’ve earned it with your time, so go ahead and pay for someone else’s time to clean the house.
I hate housecleaning too, so we hire people to cook/wash dishes/do laundry/scrub floors. we only do the bare minimum, like wiping the table after we eat. we need all our free time to rest!
Post # 15
If I had more time in the day, I wouldn’t have a problem cleaning. I was working from home a couple of weeks ago, and I cleaned the entire house during my off-time. So, I’m really not that lazy.
Hubby is just go-go-go. He can’t sit still. For example, “I’m bored…lets go the dog park, lets go to the car show, etc, etc” If we are always gone, when does he expect me to have time to help around the house?
Maybe I could stop working out after work and clean? But then hubby would complain when I started to get fat. Yes, he would complain, and would tell me I was gaining weight.
I feel like I’m in a no-win situation.
Post # 16
No offense, but shopping for stuff online doesn’t really sound like you’re doing work. I’m sure he would rather be doing that than making dinner. It’s also not really fair to assume that he’s not working and has time to clean when he’s at home during the day.
As someone who also works 40 hours a week but does every single house chore because my SO works 60 hours, I don’t have much sympathy for you. It can be done.
ETA: I do think it’s unfair that he won’t let you get a new vacuum. If he wants you to pitch in more around the house, you should be able to get what you need to get the job done.