- Blog
- Bios
- Boards
- Classifieds
- DIY
- Gallery
- Vendor Reviews
- Shop Weddingbee
Weddingbee boards
Ugh people can be so ridiculous sometimes. Yes, I do think that her comment is very inappropriate, but I don't think that you should necessarily do anything about it - that would probably just make the whole situation more uncomfortable for you. I'm sure she didn't mean to offend you and that she had no idea that what she was saying was rude.
I'd let it go, but just avoid talking to that coworker about my wedding in the future, 'cause she's likely to say something else rude!
Wow - that would have offended me too, so you're not alone on that. Some people can be so quick to stereotype and not think about what they're saying! I would have been especially offended by the "now it makes sense" comment with respect to your light skin and dark hair.
No, you're not overreacting on this one.
that is messed up, really truly not a normal thing to say! it's always tricky when it comes to jerky co-workers, how upset you can get without kicking yourself. if she is in a lower position than you in the company maybe just grab an opportunity to get a dig in with her when she gives away some personal detail. or you could take the high road and flat out ignore everything she says to you in the future. sounds like she's sort of jealous or intimidated by you. good luck with all that.
and yeah, what is up with people looking at your ring finger the instant you tell them you are getting married?? i find it really stupid and irritating as well, and since i am also sporting the naked finger for now it's doubly so when the women straight up ask me "where's your ring." i sort of want to tell them something really b*tchy like: "none of your damn business."
@amanda.lynn I definitely will be avoiding her from here on out - no wedding deets for her! As for her not knowing she was being rude, if it were anyone else, I might see that. But this same woman tried to get one of the managers fired because she told her that her lipstick looked good with her skin tone, a comment that she deemed racist. Maybe she's only super sensitive to such comments when they are about her?
::shrugs::
@realeastcoaster Yes, the "now it makes sense" comment bothered me more than anything. It came across as an insult!
I think that the first half of the pale comment would have been more appropriate had she a) been a good friend b) been talking about the first fraction of a second of intial attraction AND your FI was raised in Japan c) obviously been talking in a friendly yet relatively teasing manner, which would require her to be a good friend. However, it doesn't appear as though any of those apply and then she went on and on about the Asian-fusion wedding idea... so yeah, I would be irked too.
Their comments were rude, but I'm sure they weren't trying to get your pissed on purpose. Some people just don't think before they speak!
I don't think the question about the kimono or sushi was rude....I'm part Korean and we got questions like that, too. People can just be curious about the integration of culture and sometimes, dating someone who is biracial makes you super sensitive to stuff like that. DH would get questions like that about me. It was never a big deal.
Last I checked, japanese men don't all have a *thing* for "white girls with dark hair" that's so strange...I've NEVER had anybody say anything like that to us. The ONLY remotely close comment is that when I reveal I'm part Korean, they'll say to my husband, "oh, no wonder you like her so much, her eyes are so pretty!" and kinda nudge him. But that's not even racist, I think that is a compliment, lol.So, maybe she is complimenting you with your lovely skin?
I don't think that is racist--i think the "now it makes sense" comment is inappropriate. My mom is half korean--I've heard a lot of comments like that in regards to her. "oh shes' so exotic" blah blah blah. You kinda have to grow a tough skin and realize people don't always mean it the way you take it. Especially since you do'nt know her. Benefit of the doubt for now? Next time, speak up. The "now it makes sense" isn';t appropriate. Is it possible they were kinda joking with you?
And I'm totally guilty of the finger-check when someone's engaged. I mean, seirously--IF you had a ring on your finger, you know you'd want someone to grab your hand and ooh and aah over it, so try not to get so offended about that. I know i'd be a little bummed if i said i was engaged and nobody was like, "oh let me see!"...double-edged sword I guess =]. It's a natural instinct.
Oh and maybe she's just JEALOUS of all the beautiful happa babies you'll have. They'll have "weird" eyes like I do =]
Those 25% asians are the shiznits...
Ugh, I'm sorry you had to go through that. You're not overreacting at all. PPs are right - some people are just ignorant and ridiculous. I agree that because it's a work environment, it might not be the best situation to confront her about the comment. But, if she brings it up again, there has to be something you could say to make her stop and think about what she's saying. Maybe you could even mention what you said yourself in your original post: "I'm not sure I understand why you need an explanation for us to be together - much less an explanation based on the color of my skin."
I'm with ejs4y8 in regards to the ring glance. I'm also guilty of checking to see if one is there, but it's NOT to judge her if she doesn't have one. I just know how good it feels to have someone gawk at it, and my fiance still gets a kick out of it when I come home and say "so-and-so loved my ring."
About your coworker - I'd avoid her if I were you. She sounds like bad news, especially seeing as how she tried to get a manager fired for making a WAY less offensive comment than hers.
Yikes! That is definitely offensive! I'm of bi-racial ethnicity as well, and trust me, I would be incredibly insulted if someone insinuated that I was with my FI based on that alone!
I don't mind the ring glance so much as the funny looks/questions/comments I get afterwards. But believe me - when my ring does come, I will be showing it off to everyone, lol!
Thanks so much for all of your comments, I feel a lot better now 
Wow, those comments really bother me, too. I'm half Japanese and I'm very offended by the comments that your coworkers made. I think it's pretty ridiculous that your coworkers said those things. I have yet to be asked if I am having an Asian fusion wedding and with my last name, it's pretty obvious I'm Japanese. And people don't ask me what ethnicity my FI is or anything like that.
On a side note, my brother and I, also, get mistaken for being Latin American/South American/Mexican, which doesn't bother me, I just think it's funny that another half Japanese person gets mistaken for that, too.
@chachacha that is so funny about the Latin American thing - FI always thinks it's just him! He doesn't get offended, just frustrated sometimes when people will start speaking Spanish to him automatically because he doesn't speak Spanish! I will have to let him know that you and your brother have had the same experience.
While I don't think what she said is appropriate, as I don't like generalizations, I will say that while I was in Japan (I lived there for two years) I was constantly getting complimented on my white skin (I am soooo pale) and on my "high nose" as they called it. Meaning the bridge of my nose was high off my face. The women there often walk around on sunny days with umbrellas to keep from getting too tanned (or tan at all).
Maybe she just heard somewhere that Japanese people love white skin, its kind of a fad to be as pale as possible, and wanted to display her "knowledge." Nevermind the fact that your fiance is American and (I assume?) grew up in LA (not L.A.).
I married a half Hatian and we sometimes talk about the fact that he ended up with such a pale-skinned girl instead of the more brown skin he had always thought he was more attracted to. I think, when not involved in a mixed relationship, people don't realize (stupidly enough) that there is more to attraction and love than physical features o.O
I don't think you are overreacting. It seems to me that her comments may stem from some jealousy like j.grossman and ejs said. That is in no way excusing what she said, it was completely uncalled for, but from experience, many people say inappropriate things and try and get under others skin when they are jealous. Great looks, great relationship, great job (hopefully)...one can see why she might be, though she needn't be snarky about it. Since she's new she might feel very insecure and that she has something to prove which is unfortunately coming out through poor behavior.
You could really surprise her, if you have to patience to work at it, and genuinely try to befriend her. She probably wouldn't know what to do. You might find out why she thinks the way she does without actually having to confront her about it and be able to talk about as a mature adult and maybe she'll realize how what she said could be offensive to someone. On the other hand she may just be an ignorant fool who doesn't care.
Best of luck and congratulations!!!! Make sure you share details with us even if you don't share them with her.
You're not overreacting at all. I actually WOULD have said something, and probably ended my career with that company (or at the very least, working relationship with that coworker).
I was in a similar boat- my husband is also 1/2 Japanese. I'm 1/2 Cuban (so slightly tanned year round with dark brown hair and blue eyes). I obviously don't look at my husband and think, 'Yeah, he's 1/2 asian." I just don't think about it. Everyone who stops by my cube can see the picture of my husband and I at a formal event last year and without a pause, will always say a comment to the effect of:
"Wow, that is a tall asian." My husband is 1/2 Japanese, and happens to be 6 foot 6 (i'm 5'5 if anyone was curious...)
It's irritating, and uncomfortable, but unfortunatly, it's because people don't understand what a multi-racial couple is these days even though they're EVERYWHERE-- they also don't understand boundaries when it comes to talking about said relationships.
I can't tell you how many people asked if we were serving sushi. I was asked by one person, and was- admittedly- so fed up with the question that I said, "Yes, we're actually having our reception on a big long dock and hired fishermen to pull the fish out of the water. Only the freshest fish, for my Asian." (We, btw, served no sushi at our wedding).
If you think you might have problems with her in the future, document the comments & context and date. That way, if something comes up (hostile workplace), you will have facts to back you up. Or to diminish her claims.
I agree with MsKalinin-it's become sort of common knowledge that asians have an obsession with staying pale (google any chinese or japanese actress you can think of) so I'm sure she was just trying to make conversation by using that 'worldly' knowledge. As a half-japanese girl myself, I am always being complimented by other asians on my pretty white skin. I do think that the comment of 'now it makes sense' was rude, but I'm not sure she meant it to be insulting, sometimes i say things that come out totally wrong too. I wouldn't read too much into it unless she says something like that again.
I was getting asked constantly about whether I was going to wear a Kimono for my wedding and what Japanese traditions I was going to incorporate, so I think that's totally normal.
And I am also mistaken for being a pale skinned latina ALL the time.
I cannot even begin to tell you the idiotic things a coworker said to me about marrying a black man. Sadly, some people do not think before they speak. Luckily, not telling this coworker any details, as you mentioned, worked. We didn't talk about it, so it didn't come up again. Now she's gone :)
She probably just didn't have a clue about the inappropriateness of some of her comments. I would say the "now it makes sense" one is the most bizarre. But I agree with ejs4y8 about the sushi and kimono questions - she was probably just genuinely curious, and a kimono is a part of many Japanese weddings.
I would just let it slide and not share any future details with her :)
I'd let it go honestly, unless stuff like this comes up repeatedly with the same person. There's one hardcore Jewish woman in my office (her son is a Rabbi kind of hardcore) and my FI is Jewish. I have a picture of him at my desk (obvi) and this woman came over to my desk one day to ask about some work-related thing and saw the picture and goes "Is that your fiance?" I say, "Yes" and smile. She says, "Is he Jewish?" I say, "Uh, yeah." She says, "Are you converting?" I say, "Ummm NO." Then I got THE judgiest look in history and she just sort of harumphed and walked away. I let it go even though I wanted to punch her in the face. People are ignorant and stupid sometimes but I find that brushing certain things off is better in the long run.
@LittleA I know what you mean about not seeing him as Asian - I don't think about my FI's ethnicity at all, he's just the man that I love. The only time I think about it is when people bring it up or when he makes jokes about it (he calls himself a "Ninjew," half-ninja, half Jew). I don't even think of us as an interracial couple except when people notice and make comments.
@phedre - I was married before, long ago, in a land far, far away (I don't really tell people this or consider myself an encore bride, but anyway...) and he was half Korean, half German.
He referred to himself as the Korean Kielbasa! "Ninjew" reminded me of that!! :)
Ha, @phedre... thats awesome! I almost wish my husband were also Jewish to use that on him. Ever since the days of xBox (Halo...) in college, he's tagged himself as 'Amazin'Asian.' it's not as funny as NinJew, though. haha
Your so right about not noticing the ethnicity until someone brings it up... someone just did it again about 6 min. ago when they asked if I had my wedding pictures up, and 'Oh, is this your husband? He's ASIAN?"
... as if I didn't know. ;) haha
Don't worry little lady, with the comments that coworker made, I don't think she'll be there much longer (I can't BELIEVE other people joined in that conversation either...)!
While the comment would of bothered me too, I think the most important thing here is that you know and that your FI knows that he isn't just marrying you because you have fair skin, and dark hair. People are just ridicolous sometimes.
@phedre: My FH is half Japanese as well!!! I also get those type of guestions about what we will be serving at the wedding and the kimono. I don't really find it offensive because I just take it as they are wondering if we are going to be going some Japanese traditions in addition to American ones. However, I can see how you would after the comment of "now it makes sense".
I must say I've never gotten that but it might be because I am almost as dark (I have olive skin, brown hair, brown eyes) as FH and he doesn't really look asain. People say they would never have guessed it but after I tell them they say "oh I can see that" and then ask a million questions about him and his mom and how his parents met.
I think there was a post a little while ago about a magazine article where they said how certain races are drawn to a certain type of women...I don't remember who posted..does anyone remember? There is so much wrong with that and people stereotype all too often in society.
@phedre: I've never considered ourselves and interracial couple either. I never even thought of that till I just read your post.
Also I think I found the post I was looking for!
It was a posted by a bee - Mrs. Canary.
There is a link to the actual article she is refering to, but she does a good job of highlighting the main issues in her post
EDIT: Actually I don't think this is it..does anyone else know the post I'm talking about?
I agree with other posters, the ring glance or sushi/kimono thing aren't weird. My FI is part Japanese, too, and it would seem a normal question to us. However, the rest of the stuff, weird and uncalled for! How can your skin color explain why he wants to marry you? I'd ask them that sweetly, make them feel really awkward! haha.
My husband and I got asked alot if we would serve sushi at the wedding, since a lot of people know that we met and lived in Japan. We did, for the record.
I don't notice my husband's accent anymore! When people pinpoint his French accent I am always surprised, its ridiculous!
You must log in to post.
| Visit our sister sites | eHarmony Online Dating |
eHarmony Advice Dating Advice |
Project Wedding Wedding Songs |
JustMommies Pregnancy Calendar |
Create the honeymoon of your dreams.
| User | Posts Today |
|---|---|
| kate02121 | 12 |
| ndreighton | 11 |
| rivierabridal | 6 |
| ozpeony | 4 |
| bonkeyball3 | 4 |
| cbeyelia | 4 |
| mcdonald_515 | 4 |
 turtles73 |
4 |
| jaguar | 3 |
| BMORE SEXI | 3 |
Sorry, there are no users yet.
Okay so this has been bugging me since yesterday and I need to bounce it off some other people (bees
) to get a better idea of whether I am over-reacting or not.
So I let it slip yesterday morning at our weekly staff meeting that bf/FI and I are getting married. They, of course, all glanced at my left hand and the lack of ring raised questions. That in and of itself was annoying but here's what really got me...
At one point, one of our newer staff members mentioned that she hasn't met bf/FI and asked to see a picture. I happily showed her some pictures of him and after commenting about how cute he is, she asked me about his ethnicity. This is not uncommon - bf/FI is biracial and is often mistaken for hispanic when he's actually half-Japanese (I have some great stories from when we evacuated to Texas for Hurricane Katrina). I explained that he is half-Japanese and they started asking questions about his family etc, no big deal.
Then, out of nowhere, one of my coworkers says "oh, so he's Japanese - well no wonder he likes you with your lily white skin and that dark hair."
My jaw literally dropped but she (and a few other coworkers that chimed in) continued to talk about how I'm "whiter than white" and "now it makes sense!"
Here are my problems with the conversation:
1. I know I'm fair skinned and I do have dark hair but I don't understand how that and bf/FI's race have anything to do with why he wants to marry me.
2. I found it insulting that she was looking for an "explanation" as to why we were together!
3. She went on from there to ask if we would be serving sushi at the reception and if I would wear a kimono for the ceremony which (at least to me) is borderline racist.
It just... bothered me to the point where I've been constantly thinking about it. The more I think about it, the more upset I get. I am dreading seeing my coworker again and don't know what - if anything - to do about the situation.
Does it seem like I'm over-reacting? Sometimes I get all worked up over nothing and I've been extra emotional lately so I'm just trying to get a read on where this would fall on your radar!