Post # 1
My mom has been a little problematic since I started wedding planning for a couple of reasons. One, I’m non-traditional. I’m having a non-traditional display, no bouquet toss, no dollar dance, etc.. I consider these very small things but she is so set in her ways of what a wedding “should be like” and always verbalizes her disapproval. I’m 30, quite an adult, but I still try to make her happy: I’m getting married in the catholic church even though I don’t want to, I’m having a traditional country club reception, I even vetoed my favorite dress because she didn’t like it.
Two: My parents had a heartbreaking divorce about 10 years ago. They were married for 35 years and she still hasn’t completely gotten over it. She hates my dad, his new wife, his sisters, etc. She is extremely bitter and has an unhealthy attitude about it. We had a WAR over the fact that I wanted to invite his few family members to the shower and wedding and she obsesses over little details about who is sitting where etc.
We had a blow up fight yesterday because i told her that we weren’t doing seating charts for the shower (she wanted our table to be her, her sisters, my fiances mother and aunt and my sister). It will be a very small shower of 25 people tops) and I told her I was just going to sit “wherever”. She went off on me (screaming like a banshee) how in a traditional shower i’d be sitting next to her and she’d be helping opening the presents. The only reason I brought up the tables is because she expressed interest in making centerpieces so i just wanted her to know how many tables there are going to be.
She wants to control who sits where because she wants to alienate my dad’s few family members, who – lets face it- are already going to feel out of place and uncomfortable. I told her this wasn’t about her, it’s about me and she said some very nasty things about how “I never let anyone forget it, she’s not going to take my “Sh&t” anymore, and hung up on me. I SOBBED after I got off the phone because I’m positive she’s going to make everything leading up to the wedding like root canal for me.
I know that there are sensitive issues here but I repeatedly have asked her to not make this about the divorce, etc but she won’t ever let anything go. She focuses and obsesses about every little detail that has to do with her and I’m convinced she doesn’t care if i’m happy.
I’m really scared she’s going to ruin everything. I’m a very sensitive person and these things affect me greatly. I should probably mention I’m finishing my masters of teaching right now (student teaching) and have never been quite so stressed out in my life.
I’d appreciate some advice 🙂
Post # 3
I know she is making things very difficult, so why dont you just pick your battles and let this one slide. Are you opposed to sitting next to her during the shower? Because if not I would just sit next to her. She probably has a hard time seeing your dad with his new wife while she will be there sitting alone.
Post # 4
@bells: I’m absolutely not opposed to sitting next to her. I’m opposed to her telling me exactly where i’ll be sitting and who will be sitting with us to serve her own purposes.
I’m also a strong believer of the fact that you can’t take back things you say in the heat of the moment. So her nastily telling me that “I never let anyone forget it’s about me” makes me not want to compromise or let her “win” this one.
Post # 5
Is there any way that you have have multiple seats for you? So that during the event you sit in “your” seat at a different table at different times. That way your mother can still have her seating chart and you feel less like you are alienating people.
In terms of your mother being traditional in what she thinks you should have at your wedding (toss, dance etc), someone brought up the fact on another board a long time ago that this is a generation of mothers who will never really get to plan a wedding. Their own mothers planned the majority of their wedding and now their daughters are planning most of their own. Your mother may not have really been able to plan her own wedding and is trying to live through you.
The only way I can thinkof dealing with this is to have a proper heart to heart with your mum. Even write down a list of what it is you need to talk to her about. Tell her that you are feeling extra stress with trying to please her, plus wedding, plus masters and that you need her support. Even go so far as to say that her being so petty about your dad’s family just shows everyone that she isn’t confident and over the whole thing.
Good luck with everything and at the end of the day you will still be married to the man of your dreams. 🙂
Post # 6
@Tickles: That’s a good point about the generation gap, and mothers not getting to plan their own weddings. After I read what you said I considered that, but then again, my mother did plan my sister’s entire cookie-cutter wedding (sis was 21 so she was fine with that!)
Thanks for your kind words, I know I should sit down and talk to her but i’m just afraid she’ll start screaming (like a banshee ;)) again. She is one stubborn woman!!
Post # 7
@PrincessBrideSuzy: what about involving your FI?
My mom can be a real ogre (and not the shrek kind, either) about stuff but she puts on a totally different face around my FI (who, I might add, hates her. The running joke…ok, not so much a joke… is that I’m the one standing between him and her. lol).
Maybe if you talked to your FI, told him how you feel and how she’s treating you, he’d be willing to be your back-up when you talk to your mom? It is partly his wedding, also. Also, he might be able to give you the courage to stand up to your mom and/or she might back down with your FI looking at her (especially if he’s wearing a “i’m gonna ram those words down your throat” look on his face 😉 ).
Good luck, and I’m sorry you’re having to go through this!!