Vent: MOB Problems

posted 2 years ago in Emotional
Post # 2
Member
42490 posts
Honey Beekeeper
  • Wedding: November 1999

idolina:  Most of us do not have fairy tale parents. We have to make do with the ones we have.

and then it hit me over the weekend, during my bridal shower, that this is just how she’s always been.

<div style=”overflow: hidden; color: #000000; background-color: #ffffff; text-align: left; text-decoration: none;”><br />What makes you think she is going to change now? You can’t control her behavior. You can only control your response. You are soley responsibe for how you let her affect you.</div>
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<div style=”overflow: hidden; color: #000000; background-color: #ffffff; text-align: left; text-decoration: none;”>Honestly, of the examples you gave, the only one of significance to me would be her leaving early. Obviously , you have a history with her that I don’t, but it might be that she just can’t do anything right in your eyes.</div>
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Post # 3
Member
42490 posts
Honey Beekeeper
  • Wedding: November 1999

Sorry for the mess of code included in my response. I wish WeddingBee could finally get its’act together after the site change.

Post # 4
Member
336 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: August 2014

That is really rough. Like Julies1949 said above, fairy tale parents are rare. It’s not the same, but my future MOL is selfish in a lot of those same ways. Like my sister has mentioned to me alot, as long as you are surrounded by your biggest fans and supporters on your wedding day (which you will be), those little things she might do will disappear in the background. 

I will say, maybe not until after your wedding, I would talk about your feelings and maybe consider counseling.  I know that sounds intense but a lot of good can come of it.  Even before counseling, maybe just some good honest conversation and feedback.  It is not worth losing your relationship with your mother. My mom passed away a couple of years ago when I was 21 and it still tears me up inside all the little fights we had towards the end, even though we were always really close growing up. You don’t want to look back and regret it when it’s too late. I hope this helps in any way. 🙂

Post # 7
Member
42490 posts
Honey Beekeeper
  • Wedding: November 1999

idolina:  I didn’t say she didn’t do anything wrong. I said the only thing that would be of significance to me would be leaving the shower early. Other than that:

– she was late

-she made an offhand remark about guys not being at the shower when she saw your FI

-she talked about her own wedding

-she went in and out of the shower

– she made a remark including one of your step siblings in the count

-she didn’t bring a gift or a card

I also didn’t say that you were a spoiled brat. I do feel that there is a possibilty that you are attributing more importance to these actions than you would if you and your Mom had a better realtionship. In and of themselves, these things aren’t huge problems. That’s what I meant by saying “it might be that she can’t do anything right” in your eyes.

Perhaps you could consider some counselling after your wedding as the pp suggested.

Post # 9
Member
42490 posts
Honey Beekeeper
  • Wedding: November 1999

idolina: No problem.

 ps is there any chance she has a problem with alcohol? That might account for the frequent exits from the shower and lack of discretion?

Post # 11
Member
336 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: August 2014

idolina:  that is a really mature perspective to have and you could absolutely be right! You never know, once you bring it up later she could come to the realization that some of her actions were off base and provided you with unnecessary stress and sadness, but those were not her intentions at all! Thank you for your kind words. I hope your big day is amazing!!

Post # 13
Member
567 posts
Busy bee

I know with all my issues with my mother alcohol is the direct problem. She was never a drinker (so I thought) growing up but as an adult now I realize it’s a serious issue. I’m going through something similar with her in regards to my wedding and her new husband/wedding. I have tried to speak to her about it politely and also not so politely. At this point when it comes to the wedding day I am going to pray for the best but prepare for the worst. I’ve made it clear to all parties (we are having issues with in laws as well) that if you cannot act appropriately you will be asked to leave. I would wait to see how your big day goes with her before deciding the next step to take with your relationship.

Post # 14
Member
716 posts
Busy bee

I also have the narcissistic mother problem. 

I have learned that challenging a narcissist only makes things worse.  I don’t think that counseling can change a person who is by nature self-absorbed.

That doesn’t mean that I think you should allow her to mistreat you.  My parents are still married only because my father allows my mother to mistreat him because she is his wife and he feels a religious, moral obligation.  Knowing that my father will never leave or challenge her has only made my mother worse over the years.

My advice, and what I do, is simply to keep my mother at a distance.  This is challenging in the context of a wedding when you want to do things “the right way.”  My advice would be to try to ignore her on your wedding day.  She is embarasing herself, not you.

Post # 15
Member
2828 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: September 2013

jamb:  *round of applause*

I was going to say all of this, exactly. OP, just ignore her as best you can. My mother behaved worse than the examples you shared and I just…stopped expecting anything from her. She was there on my wedding day, but I honestly don’t even remember interacting with her. She’s in exactly one photo and did not appear in the video even once. In some ways, it’s sad not to have memories with my mom at my wedding. But it’s better to have no memories than bad memories. So I went dress shopping by myself. So she didn’t throw me a bridal luncheon, so she didn’t give me anything borrowed, so she didn’t come help me get dressed on the morning-of. So what? I had a BLAST at my wedding and that was due in large part to the fact that my primary stressor was essentially absent from my consciousness. 

And a bonus I hadn’t planned for: Now that she’s trying to improve her behavior, it’s easier to start over with her because I put a definitive stop her shenannigans by limiting contact with her. I imagine it would be impossible to recover our relationship if I had to add “and you ruined my wedding!” to the long list of things I’ll probably never forgive her for.

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