- 2 years ago
- Wedding: August 2014 - Traverse City
Very long emotional post…
I hate to discuss negative things, but this has really been eating at me and will not go away… I think I may have touched on some issues with my mom here before, but this past weekend was the icing on the cake. Since I’ve been engaged, I feel she’s been selfish and uninvolved. For example, she originally set her own wedding date exactly one week after mine, which would have been right in the middle of our honeymoon. Also, for 6 months I tried to arrange a date for us to go dress shopping, she declined each time. I finally stopped asking. FYI, I’m the one paying for the dress so money wasn’t the issue.
I’ve long made excuses for it, trying to rationalize it… and then it hit me over the weekend, during my bridal shower, that this is just how she’s always been. While I did not let it ruin my shower, I was appalled by the way my mother behaved and the lack of her attentiveness. I was filled with so much euphoria during the shower that I didn’t let it bother me, but as soon as it was over, it hit me that this was the last straw… here’s what all went down:
1) Apparently she was supposed to get to my shower early to help my MIL and BMs set up, but she got there only a few min before it started
2) When FI and I arrived, she said (while he was standing there), “I thought there weren’t supposed to be any guys? I would have invited my HUSBAND”. I gently reminded her that he won’t be staying because he’s going disc golfing with his cousins and uncles during the shower.
3) She engaged other guests in conversation about her own “wedding” at my bridal shower (she’s already legally married and is planning a PPD next year)
4) She was completely preoccupied during the shower, kept disappearing to her car to talk to her husband about plans they had later
5) During one of the games, “How Well Do You Know The Bride?” one question asked about how many siblings I had… I of course said 5. My mom’s husband is currently in the midst of a custody battle (I’ve never met his kid as he’s never had custody), she glares at me and announces loud enough for everyone to hear: “Um, actually, she has 6”. Wtf…
6) She left my bridal shower early. Oh but the kicker? She ANNOUNCED that she was leaving in the middle of me opening gifts.
7) Okay before I say this — I am the type of person who typically feels your presence is enough (i.e. no gift necessarily required). HOWEVER. My mother did all of the above, and was the only person at my shower to not give a gift… she didn’t even get me a card. I don’t care about the gift so much, as I know money was possibly a factor. However, I am so hurt that she didn’t even give me a card with a heartfelt congratulations and well wishes.
So, like I said, I am so appalled and embarrassed. I have this huge fear she is going to use her passive-aggressive nature on our wedding day. You’re probably wondering if I’ve talked to her about this… yes and no. I did a while back, I put my foot down with the wedding date thing. But since then, I’ve avoided confrontation. My mom is very childish when it comes to confrontation. If I were to point out any of this to her, even in the nicest way possible, she would lash out at me and basically cut me out of her life for a while. However, all of this is building up now and something’s going to eventually give. These are only examples of what happened at the shower– she’s been doing things like this my entire engagement, and there’s been several non-wedding related moments that have been very hurtful as well. I have this horrible feeling that something’s going to blow up before the wedding day, and she will choose not to come, or it will be super awkward when she does because we will have not spoken. But at the same time, it is so hurtful for me to just “fake it”. I keep pretending like what she’s doing isn’t bothering me, I feel like I have to save face for the wedding. Although, I’m realizing that her behavior is causing us to drift apart, and I honestly think this is the beginning of the end of our relationship… which breaks my heart, because we used to be so close. After the wedding, I’ll have no reason to “fake it” anymore, and I’m scared of what that will mean for us as mother/daughter 🙁
Additional Note: Our relationship really started going downhill last year after she informed me less than 48 hours in advance that she was getting “legally married” for insurance purposes only and to keep it hush-hush. Two days later I saw her FB status has changed, pics all over FB, and all of her new husband’s family (and her sister and mother) were all there… yet she failed to invite me. This may not have anything to do directly with my own wedding but it was very hurtful and she’s extremely passive aggressive, so who knows….