(Closed) Vent–moving into his bachelor pad

posted 6 years ago in Married Life
Post # 3
Member
2018 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: December 2010

I had this exact same issue but I moved in with my husband before we were engaged.  He had two cats and I don’t think he owned a vaccuum. He had tool parts in some of the kitchen cabinets and it was seriously one of the dirtiest houses I have EVER seen in my life.

I had to clean from ceiling down in each room (doing one at a time) and thank goodness it was all hardwood floors so I could scrub.  I had to remove every dish from every cabinet and scrub out each and every one, along with washing the dishes before I could put them back. It took me about a month-no lie.  And on top of that, I should have worn a mask because it literally made me sick: I got an attack of pleurisy (a kind of lung infection) after it was all said and done.

I was beyond disgusted (there were toenail clippings in the area rug I dragged out of the living room) but that’s just how some guys live and I’m sure he wasn’t deliberately disregarding you-he’s just clueless. Anyway, try not to be angry and now you are in charge of the housekeeper,  so hopefully you won’t have a repeat of that situation. lol

Post # 4
Member
455 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: March 2012

Can’t he help with the cleaning?  I bet if you two work together, you can bust it out in a weekend or two.  Turn on some music, drink some wine when you’re done, and cuddle on the couch to watch a movie.  Turn cleaning into something romantic and fun!   You might even try to do it with some missing clothing…! Surprised

Post # 5
Member
55 posts
Worker bee
  • Wedding: November 2012

Yup. Same thing happened to me too.

FH and I bought a house together that although it looked dirty ( single guy owned the house), it was what we were looking for. It was a great price and had been on the market for a long time and our realtor commented “THe only reason I can think of that people havent bought the house yet is because it is so FILTHY”. There were dog fur tumbleweeds throughout the house and the white window blinds looked brown they were so encrusted with dust.And I don’t even want to discuss the bathroom…

I told FH, “we are getting a cleaning service to tackle this job” and I called around and got estimates. It was a little pricey for such a big job, but I was willing to spend it just to save me some back-breaking work. Then FH started griping saying “why should we pay someone all that money to do something that we can do ourselves.” In the end, he wouldn’t pay for a cleaning service and promised to help me. Yeah right. His idea of “help” was decide where furniture should go and hang pictures. I cleaned everything. And it took a long time, and the whole time I was pissed because I should have just gone ahead and got the cleaning service.

And when FH moved his stuff in, he hadn’t even sorted or got rid of things or even dusted his stuff off! He just crammed all his crap into garabage bags and moved it all in and then complained for a long time about having to unpack. UGH!

IMO, men usually fall into two categories: neat-freak clean or disgustingly messy. Once we got settled, some of my resentment went away, but I do know that I will end up doing more cleaning just because it matters to me and it doesn’t to him. I am still trying to convince him on a cleaning service once a month. That would help a little bit….

Anyway, I feel your pain.

Post # 6
Member
1500 posts
Bumble bee

Guys are really quite clueless. Luckily, (kind of), my fiancé and I moved out of our parent’s house and into an apartment together, so I’ve kept our place clean, but when he lived at his parents his room was a mess. Just stuff everywhere. But he’s the kind of guy who, generally, likes things really simple and clean. He waits until something is really messy and then cleans it really well. It’s bizarre, because it would be easier to just clean periodically. He did completely clean our old apartment when we moved, which was shocking. 

I would probably have gone crazy if he had his own place and I moved in. He does have his corner of the bedroom that his super cluttered and has finger nail clippings on the dresser and blehhhhh. I just let him deal with it. I can’t imagine and entire house of that. πŸ™

Once you get it done, I’m sure it’ll be well worth it! I love cleaning just for the feeling of when it’s done. 

Post # 7
Member
764 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: September 2011

Been there, doing that. It’s a long process but as it goes, it gets easier.

I moved in just before we got engaged and have been tackling projects over the last 6 months. The kitchen is 95% clean and usable, everything in its place. One spare room is 99%, other spare room is 95%, spare bath is 100%, master bedroom is 95%, master bathroom is 95%… Garage? 5%. When it gets cooler, I’ll really go for that one.

Basically, do what you need to do… I usually start cleaning, pull out all the crap I know he doesn’t need, throw away things I know won’t matter, and then make him sit down with me to go through the rest.

He never had a reason to clean or get rid of things before – now he does. So help him!

Trust me, you can do it.

Post # 8
Member
5993 posts
Bee Keeper
  • Wedding: May 2010

my husband owns this house and i moved in with him – i took the entire house, every toy, camera, guitar, computer and lava lamp he had that was in a 3 bedroom, 2 living rooms, 2 bathroom, a dining room and a big nook area and shoved it in the one spare room and said “this is your space”

and then i took over the rest of the house and deocrated it like a grownup lives there πŸ™‚

i also had new inbuilt wardrobes installed with lots of shelving and hanging space to help keep things organized and in his office (formerly a sprare room) i had 2 walls redone with lots of shelving and a wrap around bench for all his toys and gadgets

sometimes he does say that ive taken over the entire house but my response is he is welcome to setup in the garage if he wants more room πŸ™‚

Post # 9
Member
1200 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: March 2012

I’m struggling with this right now. FH has been in this house several years. I’m between his house and my mom’s. He’s very upset I’ve not moved in yet but there is NO SPACE for my stuff!!!  And he is resistant to change. He is also a bit messy where every table surface is covered with… STUFF.  And I feel bad going through it because it’s HIS STUFF. Sometimes I wonder if it will ever be clear and clean and OURS or if it will be me trying to fit into his cluttered space.

 

It’s scary. It makes leaving home even harder for me…. and he doesn’t seem motivated to get stuff done. We talk about it a lot but with his insane schedule it’s not getting done… and then we always end up arguing of why I don’t live here:(

It’s hard. Any progress on your end?? The finished attic is about 2-3 days away from being done and that will be my space… and where he can sleep when he’s on midnights so I don’t have to tip toe around. That will be nice. Then we’re tackeling the office/spare bedroom which is so full of his movie chests and “stuff”…

 

What he doesn’t understand is that I still have 35 years worth of MY stuff to organize and get moved here from my mom’s house (yeah.. I’m 35 and still live with my mom. This is going to be HARD)

Post # 10
Member
4804 posts
Honey bee
  • Wedding: August 2012

I would get him to pay for a cleaner…I would not be wanting to spend the first months of my married life cleaning up his mess!

Post # 11
Member
2496 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: January 1991

Honestly, no matter who moves in with who, dirty or clean, it does take time for it to feel like it’s both of your house, not just one or the other.

We made lots of changes when I moved in with DH after our wedding, and one thing that we did was shop for decor and furniture together.  We tried to be intentional about making mutual decisions about how to arrange rooms, where things should go, and how to store things.  I wanted him to play a role in establishing our home, and to feel included in the decision-making process.

He, surprisingly, was very willing to help and admitted to me later that he was worried I would come in and make lots of changes without asking/consulting him.  That approach works for some guys, but DH isn’t one of them, and it was really important to me (especially after discovering that about him), to really include him and make him part of creating OUR house.

Have you asked your DH about helping and how he envisions your home looking/feeling?  Have you expressed your feelings of frustration over the house’s condition?  I would start there and see how involved he wants to be, then ask him to help you organize at least 2 rooms that are the most important to him, and see how it goes from there.  He may surprise you. πŸ™‚

Post # 12
Member
2657 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: October 2012

Wow this is kind of my situation too. He lives about an hour away and its very messy. He plans on moving next spring.To a closer location. SO I plan on REALLY helping him to get organized and neatly pack everything,etc. 

And the time between him moving and when I move in, I plan on going over to his new place as often as I can to keep it clean, etc.

I just want a clean place.lol

I told him that I would never move in with him if he stays at the place he is at now. Man, if I showed u bees pics of the place…..

Post # 13
Member
2657 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: October 2012

Cool thing though is that he has told me that he plans on throwing alot of stuff out before he moves! And I plan to be there to make sure he does.:)

Post # 14
Member
1200 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: March 2012

@Earlybride:OMG I wish my FH would throw stuff out. Some of his stuff is SO not my taste (silverware.. plates..) but when I mention getting new, his response is always “there is nothing wrong with the ones I have”…

 

I can’t wait til my shower when I hopefully get things that make us replace his LOL!

Post # 15
Member
6661 posts
Bee Keeper
  • Wedding: May 2010

You should ask him to help you clean and organize, esp since he promised to do this before you moved in. There’s no reason for you to take the entire burden of cleaning. And by keeping quiet about it you are only causing problems in your relationship even though you think you’re avoiding them.

I remember, DH hadn’t even moved in with me yet when I had the whole cleaning discussion with him. He practically lived with me after only dating a few months so for a long time I was cleaning for two without saying anything. I would also wait for him to go out or to spend the night at his place before going to town with the vacuum, etc. Finally I got fed up because all of my free time was devoted to cleaning and I asked him to help. I never had to say anything about it again bc he immediately identified what tasks he wanted to be in charge of and we had cleaning dates (usually sunday mornings).

Post # 16
Member
1361 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: April 2011

Haha, from reading the other responses, I feel we all went through this πŸ™‚

I moved in with DH when we were still dating, and at first I definitely felt like an intruder in his house, but within a little while I was cleaning and rearranging things as I pleased. It is now YOUR house too.  I think when you live somewhere, a certain way for so long, you don’t realize it’s a problem.

Talk to him. Make up a chore chart (Mondays you dust, Tuesdays you clean the floors, whatever).  Maybe buy some shelving/storage for his stuff that’s everywhere.  You will adapt. The first bit is always a little weird.

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