Vent: My mother hates my wedding dress

posted 3 years ago in Emotional
Post # 2
Member
1244 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: August 2015

Pirouette7:  Wow, your mom does not sound like a loving mother at all. It sucks that you have to deal with her crap. At some point, you might have to rethink how much involvement you will allow her to have in your life as she seems hellbent on ruining it for you. As far as the dress, I know we all would like parebtal approval, but her thoughts on this are unimportant, especially since she isn’t suing for it. Dont let her make you doubt your decision and don’t include her in any future decisions either. Stay strong!

Post # 3
Member
2891 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: May 2015

Pirouette7: why do you continue to include her? you can’t control her but you can control the information you give her and the input you ask of her. 

it sounds like a control thing based on what you’ve shared. Stop blaming her for the situation / stress and start realizing that the situation / stress is a result of prioritizing her input. 

Stop prioritzing it, stop the stress. Sounds easier than it is, but it’s worth it. 

Post # 4
Member
248 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: August 2014

Pirouette7: First, hugs. Now, my mother and I have a good realtionship and she was still very vocal about what she thought my wedding dress (and day really) should look like instead of supporting my choice and being happy. I say this to bring you comfort that even loving moms can tank your dreamy state of planning. The dress that I thought was perfect for me started to look like an old weathered frock with each passing day after her comments. My soultion: look for another dress and buy it without sending her pictures. I too am under a bit of a time crunch because our wedding is in August, so I’m with you on the stress of securing something immediately.

I think the take away is to put some distance between you and her as you plan. If you want to keep her involved, send her decoy photos haha. She will still feel as though she’s contributing, and besides, what she doesn’t know won’t hurt her. Heck, maybe those exchanges will give you the space and time, without the charged emotions, to perhaps work through some of the other stressors in your relationship. I hope this helps a bit! 

Post # 5
Member
3709 posts
Sugar bee

 

Pirouette7:  She’s not wearing it. Share nothing with her, if she’s going to be negative/opinionated. And don’t accept her money/help, for anything.

Post # 6
Member
774 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: October 2013 - Dalhousie Castle

I think the only way you can lessen your stress is to adjust your expectations of how your mother is going to behave. She’s been unsupportive and obstructive over and over and it’s very likely to continue that way, unfortunately. She’s not going to give you those special mother-daughter moments and you might just have to accept that. When you do, at least you can avoid most of the disappointment. I know it’s so hard, but it’s better than getting your hopes up and constantly dashed. Definitely stop waiting for her approval before you make decisions. Stand up for yourself, know what you want and go for it! 

You FMIL sounds like maybe she could be more supportive and maybe step in a little to fill the role that your mother can’t/won’t. 

I would minimize you mother’s involvement in the rest of the planning and focus on your positive feelings and all the good things about marrying what sounds like a great man. You love your dress and are going to feel so great in it! You know you’re going to have a great wedding day, with our without her approval. 

 

Post # 7
Member
2242 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: November 2013

Yikes!

as other PP have said, it’s time for you to adjust your expectations about your mom’s behavior. You know how when we were children and we went trick-or-treating there was always this one neighbor who always gave out the worst treats or was rude or whatever? Well…your mom is that neighbor. And you keep stubbornly going back to her expecting that ‘this time’ she’ll have a yummy treat…she won’t. For whatever reason, whether your mom is a true narcissist, projecting her own issues onto your wedding, jealous, controlling, etc. etc., she’s not a good source of love, attention or support right now. So stop going to that ‘house’ expecting good ‘treats’. 

Also, and this might be too much but please realize that just the way you’re not fulfilling HER expectations of what wedding / dress / venue you’re having and it makes you feel like total s***, she’s not fulfilling YOUR expectations of what a “mother” should do. In essence you’ve learned the same pattern of expectations-disappointment from her and this big moment in your life might be a good time to realize it and begin changing it. 

When my sister went dress shopping she took a bunch of us with her (SIL, mother, father, brother, niece…) and as she tried on her dresses you could tell she was looking for my parents’ approval. But of course, they had this IDEA of what a “bride looks like” that differed from hers. Eventually she ended up in tears cuz the dress she liked the most was one where my mom had been like “hmmm that’s too simple…” Long story made short, a Few months after that when I bought my dress I didn’t take my mother at all. The woman was not happy. And of course when I showed her the pictures she was like ‘wow I would’ve taken you to a better seamstress for your hemline…”

so…I will tell you what I told my sister that day and what I learned from her experience and mine: find the dress that makes YOU feel like a “bride,” whatever that means for you.  Find a dress that makes YOU feel beautiful and special. Not a dress to please your mother, FMIL, FI, friends, nothing. Yep I even added your FI there.  Why? Because whatever you wear that day that makes you feel beautiful and special and like a bride- that’s what you’ll feel like and therefore that’s what you’ll project and that’s what you’ll share with him and everyone around you.  He loves you, right? The beautiful, sexy, confident you? Then find that inside of you to choose your dress and fuck everyone else’s opinions on the matter.  

P.S. now that you’re a grown up and know your neighbors…go trick or treating to the “good” houses where you know you’ll get good “treats” and skip the others. What’s experience for if not that?

Post # 9
Member
1136 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: March 2015

Pirouette7:  I’m so sorry you can’t share this experience with her in a loving, positive way!

I definitely think you just need to avoid having her share in any part of the preparations. If she’s not going to be supportive, it’s not worth it. If someone told me I had to pick my wedding dress out of 3 they had already chosen I’d tell them to shove it.. seriously. Its your day!

Do you have a sister/friend/aunt or someone else you can share these experiences with instead who will offer you love and support? Definitely don’t let negativity in at a time like this!

Post # 10
Member
4893 posts
Honey bee
  • Wedding: July 2012

 

Pirouette7:  Your wedding, your choice – even if she was paying. I’d just let it roll off your shoulders. Just say “Well I think I’ll make a beautiful bride even if it’s not a traditional poofy dress.”  

Post # 11
Member
30 posts
Newbee
  • Wedding: October 2014

@Piroutte7 I understand what are you going through. I have VERY controlling mother. I am her only family and she got divorced when I was very little and never remarried. I am her life and she can’t let go and can’t except that I make my own choices. She is VERY opiniated. She too did  not like the dress I LOVED. I think beause it more sexy then sweet. She wants me to wear something princess like. I went with her and tried many many other dresses and almost bought the one she liked. However, we went bacl to the store and I tried the one i liked and I had same feeling. I told her that I love her but she is not the one wearing it and I was getting that one. After I made a dicision she kept going on how she hates it. I stopped her and said” it’s done deal you can’t change my mind. I understand you hate it. I promise you will love it in the end so lets just move on”

She actually paid for my dress and I was not expecting it at all

 

You

Post # 12
Member
3044 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: September 2016

Your mom is being a jerk. I’m sorry. 🙁

Post # 13
Member
50 posts
Worker bee

that sucks. I am so sorry. you could have just booked another venue and told her. Mothers always seem to feel like its their wedding and everything you do and have reflects on them. It is weird. It is hard to tell someone that if you want their opinion you will ask for it. 

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