**Vent** My mother is getting married before me

posted 2 years ago in Family
Post # 2
Member
8071 posts
Bumble Beekeeper
  • Wedding: September 2015

Trust me, your moms third marriage will in no shape or form outshine your wedding. Behind every big wedding FB post she makes your family is rolling their eyes, surely.

Be happy for her, and continue being happy for your wedding!

Post # 3
Member
7410 posts
Busy Beekeeper

Yes you need to get over yourself. 

Be happy for your mum. It doesn’t matter if it is someone’s first or tenth marriage, they deserve to have the wedding they want and can pay for. 

 

Post # 4
Member
1377 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: August 2015

Thrburko89:  I wouldn’t be too excited about having to set up her appointments. You’ve got your own things to do, and while weddings are exciting, you’ve got yours to plan too! Not saying you can’t share ideas, places etc though.  Give her the phone number with a smile, tell her you’re excited about having dresses from the same place, and let her set up her own appointments. She’s a big girl too.

She did just get engaged, yes? Or the decision to marry was just made? There’s a honeymoon period in engagements too, where you get super excited about literally everything and anything. She might just still be in that phase, and will drop out of it soon.   

Post # 5
Member
2493 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: October 2010

Am I correct in assuming that you may have been more of the adult in your relationship with your mom? 

It’s entirely possible that your mother is jealous and/or she misses the excitement of being a bride and those feelings have pushed her into getting married. But it doesn’t matter–she is. The truth of you can either allow your weddings to forge a wedge between you two, or you can share the process with each-other. Her getting married will not make your own wedding any less special. 

On that note, however, you do not have to become her de facto wedding planner, so while I think it’s a reasonable courtesy to share the name and number (and approximate price range) of the wedding dress shop, it’s not your responsibility to get her an appointment. You also don’t have to pay for any part of her wedding–as she does not have to pay for any part of yours. 

Post # 6
Member
2566 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: September 2015

My dad is talking about getting a fiance visa with someone he’s known since August… they plan to apply for it in January, which means they’ll likely be getting married just a month before my wedding.

To be honest?  At first I was annoyed, now I don’t care… I’m happy he is happy.  And if this is what he wants, I’m so very excited for him 🙂  

Post # 7
Member
1500 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: August 2013

Thrburko89:  Sounds like your mother still has inner child issues to resolve, unfortunately, they’re carrying over into your life and she is not acting like the mother she should be. You’re not her mom nor are you expected to be her wedding planner. I would be happy for her, but you can politely decline her requests for you to help her out especially since you have your own wedding to plan. 

Post # 8
Member
1043 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: September 2015

1) its 6 months away from each other you will still have your time

2)our parents generation didnt have long engagne ts … She isn’t going to change how she thinks now 

3)  most importantly you cant expect people to put their lives on hold … It’s not fair to them … ( when we were choosing our date everyone kept telling me about stuff they had going on before and after the date we wanted such as my fiancés cousins wedding 3 months later and graduations etc. Finally with the support of my mother we decided that it wasn’t fair for us to put off our day bc of other people only thinking of themselves 

4) your mom has supported you her whole life and  you will always take priority to her (my guess ur wedding is still most important to her) so do what you can to help her feel special for her day (even if its her 3rd this is the one that counts )

Post # 9
Member
906 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: May 2011

Your mom has every right to get married wherever, whenever, and however she wants, and her wedding is just as important as yours is. You’re a grown woman now and need to get over having Mom make a special fuss over you–she has her own life to live, and you are no longer a child. Also, if you’re old enough to get married, you should stop expecting your mom to offer to pay for something, even if you’re planning to turn her down.

I’m sorry, but it sounds like you need a little bit of tough love here. Your feelings are selfish and childish. You are getting married, not ascending to the throne. People do it every day, and while it may be a special event in YOUR life, you shouldn’t expect it to be special to anyone other than you and your fiancé. (After all, your mother’s wedding is a special event in her life, but you’re obviously not all that interested or excited about it. Her wedding is just as special to her as yours is to you. Have you been making a fuss over her?) 

Focus your attention on your fiancé, your relationship, and your upcoming marriage–not on what you think you deserve from other people. 

Post # 11
Member
9533 posts
Buzzing Beekeeper
  • Wedding: August 2013

Thrburko89:  Well, my “mom issue” is that my mom died 3 years before my wedding. So concerns about losing a bit of spotlight sounds pretty awesome to me. My sister got married 6 weeks before me, so let me attest that this doesn’t need to be an issue. Thereis not a finite amount of joy or love or “spotligt”. Congratulate your mom. Plan your wedding. Let your mom plan hers. Don’t get competitive.

Post # 12
Member
6032 posts
Bee Keeper
  • Wedding: October 2014

Your mom has been looking after you for most of your life. If she wants to check out and focus on her own wedding, then so be it. Be happy that she is happy.

Post # 13
Member
831 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: July 2015

Thrburko89:  I feel you. My mom started dating some guy a month before I started dating my FI. They were engaged in 6 months, married after 13. 

They’re helping pay a lot which is great but my mom has so many ridiculous requests… like all of her new husband’s family needs to be invited. She even wanted me to ask her new husband to give me away and we fought so much that we didn’t talk for a few weeks over it.

I’m having a much bigger wedding than my mom. And so far a lot of our family that didn’t come in for my mom’s wedding have said they plan on coming to mine. But they’re getting almost a year to plan and think about coming in, as opposed to a 4 months for her. Regardless, I think my mom is pretty jealous that more family is planning to come to my wedding over hers. As a result, I often feel like my mom wants to use my wedding to show off how happy she is with her new husband. It’s beena sorce of conflict and we’re still trying to work through it.

Through it all you just need to remember what your day is going to be about. When the day comes, no matter how much you spend or who contributed won’t matter. You and your partner will always be the focus.

And maybe its a good thing she’s getting married before you! She won’t be able to talk about her wedding plans and what they’re going to do. Your family will already know how her wedding went and your other guests won’t really care. They might tell her congrats and move on! 

Post # 14
Member
3195 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: October 2010

I don’t understand brides who expect their parents to pay for wedding related items. 

Adults pay their own way and they never EXPECT cash from parents. 

It is sad that you cannot be happy for your mother. As a grown woman, it is time to accept that your mother’s world no longer revolves around you.

Being an only daughter is no excuse; I am the only daughter out of four children and I still do not expect handouts from my parents. I don’t know what “principle” you are referring to, unless you are speaking of the “spoiled adult child” principle. 

Post # 15
Member
1613 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: September 2012

Thrburko89: 

1.  Good for you for venting here instead of in real life.  

2.  You and your partner are adults.  Your respective parents, regardless of their financial situation, owe you nothing towards paying for your wedding.  Of course, an offer of help is lovely and kind, as you said.  But really her finances have nothing to do with you or your wedding.

3.  You and your partner are adults.  Your respective parents, have reared you to adulthood, are now free to “do them” and prioritize their needs. Your mom being excited about her (third) wedding is just as valid as you being excited about your (first) wedding.  

4.  There’s plenty of excitement to go around for everyone, and life isn’t a competition.  You will have an amazing wedding and hopefully so will your mom.  Her wedding being sooner than yours is reasonable given her stage in life.

5.  I realize this is a vent and I’m not meaning to rain on your parade or chastize you, so I hope this just gives you some food for thought and maybe you can see another way to view the situation that is healthier for you and your relationship with your mom.

ETA: Oh jeez, I didn’t read the other responses first, so sorry I’m kinda beating a dead horse here.  

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