Post # 1
I’ve posted before about my issues with my SO… three years together, I’m rapidly approaching 35 and he still hasn’t proposed. I worry about my timeline for getting married and having babies – if he doesn’t marry me, do I have time to meet and marry someone else? How much time can I give to this relationship before I ruin my chances of possibly marrying someone else? I’m not sure I even want anyone else, because I do genuinely love him.
I keep broaching the subject of why he doesn’t want to marry me, and he’s admitted that the idea of commitment scares him because “the rest of your life” is a long time and he feels too young to settle down (he’s 32), and also because he’s worried it might not work out. I’ve tried to probe further, to find out why he feels this way and hopefully address it, but he just gets angry whenever I raise the subject and accuses me of nagging. I keep raising the subject because I never seem to get any answers about why commitment scares him!! If he wants me to stop nagging, he should just answer the &*%! question and deal with the issue!
I feel like we’ve kind of identified what the roadblock is but we’re still not moving forward, and I’m increasingly frustrated by his refusal to discuss the issue. His response is that I don’t love him because I keep persisting with an issue that makes him uncomfortable, which is a load of rubbish because of course I love him! I feel like he doesn’t care about my needs or feelings, and he just wants me to be quiet and continue with a relationship that only fulfils HIM.
It’s getting to the point where our whole relationship feels fake. He shows affection and tells me he loves me, he calls me and spends time with me, he gives me nice gifts, he’s there when I need him, he takes me to spend time with his family, he’s taking me on vacation, but it all feels like a lie because he doesn’t love me enough to commit to a future with me, and he doesn’t respect me enough to even discuss an issue which is important to me.
I don’t know what the point of this is; I suppose I’m just venting. I love him but I feel like I’m being lied to and taken for a fool, because he’s pretending that he loves me even though he obviously doesn’t – because if he did genuinely love me, he’d marry me
Post # 3
Yeah, you pretty much hit the nail on the head with your analysis of the situation. The whole ‘too young to settle down’ thing is BS. He just doesn’t want to. I’m sorry.
If biological children are really important to you, you might want to look into egg freezing. I’m no expert, but I don’t think it’s any more expensive than other fertility treatments or adoption.
Post # 4
I had a relationship like that and i waited for 20 years! I thought the problem was with me and luckily, I did not want additional children. Then my daughter died unexpectedly and I became depressed and my SO promptly found himself a lovely bar skank to hook up with. After a while I started forcing myself to socialize with people and meet my FH who treats me like a queen and a year after we started dating he proposed and we now have a lovely home together. My advice? Drop the loser and focus on making your life happier!
Post # 5
I think it’s good that you’re really being honest with yourself about your relationship, I know that’s not easy. It sounds like you know what you need to do, don’t let fear of the unknown stop you from doing the best for yourself.
Right now, you still have a chance of meeting the right guy and having children naturally. If you wait longer, you may lose that altogether and your Boyfriend or Best Friend still may not be ready. Look into freezing your eggs, so you don’t lose your chances of having your own children.
Post # 6
I’m sorry, I think he’s already let you know how he feels. It doesn’t really matter why. A lot of guys don’t really analyize their feelings, its just how he feels. He doesn’t want to, you clearly do.
If children are something that is important to you, I think its time to move on. True, you may not be able to have biological children if you leave him and it takes a while to get serious with someone else. (Although my mom had me at 41, so…) But you may not have ANY children, ever, if you stay with him.
Post # 7
Hmmm…. It sounds like you need to make the decision of what you want – him, marriage, or babies or some combo of the three. If you want him, you may not get the other two. If you want marriage/babies, it may not be with him. He’s shown you his true self – you just need to decide if that’s what you want. FWIW, my mom has a friend who chose to become a single mom because she wanted a child but didn’t have any good prospects for a relationship. She’s very happy with her decision, though; there are lots of lifestyles.
Post # 8
I would be super frustrated by his refusal to have a serious discussion about marriage too–his response is incredibly immature. I was ready to get married before my dh, but at least he was respectful of my feelings and needs and discussed it when I felt we needed to talk about it. in all honesty though, there’s no conversation that should be off the table like that in a healthy relationship–partners should be able to discuss anything if it’s important to one of them.
Post # 9
Since he is not showing signs of proposing or discussing the issue with you anytime soon, I think you have to come to a point within yourself where you can make peace with going one way or the other.
Either you decide you love him enough to stay with him in a relationship that is not leading toward marriage and children (and in the process let go of your dream), or you decide to start over again because you don’t want to give up on having a family of your own one day.
Because if you stay in this relationship as things stand now, you’ll go crazy with the wishing and hoping.
The longer you allow things to continue this way — allowing him to hold you hostage by not talking about it — the longer it will take you to eventually get what you want (marriage and children), whether that would be with your current SO or with someone you meet in the future.
If I were in your shoes, I would start rocking the boat now. You’ve given this guy more than enough time to give you an answer about the rest of your life.
Post # 10
I see many threads where the woman is approaching the age where conceiving can become difficult but no prospects of marrying anytime soon. By staying, you would be settling on a man who has put out there that he’s not going to marry you so that you can fulfill the need to have children. Even if you do not find a suitor until you are 40 that does not mean children are not feasible for you. Sometimes things have to be put on hold and time has to be taken before children can enter the picture. This does not sound like the time or relationship that children should be brought into.
Post # 11
I genuinely believe a HUGE key to a happy relationship/marriage is being open to communicate. Whether it’s good news, bad news, about happines or sadness…you have to be willing to talk about things important to each partner. I’m so sorry hun, but it sounds like your SO doesn’t openly communicate. He admitted he’s afraid of commitment, but what does that mean? Will he get past it? Does he never want to get married? Thos are things he needs to elaborate on b/c they are important to you and your future. I would explain this to him and see if he will give you any more thoughts and future plans. If he doesn’t, it’s up to you with what you can accept in your life and what you want to send. Sending *hugs* and best wishes to you. xo
Post # 12
I noticed about five quotes you said that gives me enough reason for me to say to you that you should leave. It seems that you two just want different things. Your priorities do not match up.
I dont think your relationship is going to go much further when he says things like “Forever is a long time, I dont want to settle down.” And the fact that he is uncomfortable even talking about the future with you.
There are men out there who are wanting these things that you want. You can be in a relationship that both people have the same life goals and ideas and plans.
Post # 13
You can love someone and just not be compatible with them. If you guys want two different things (you marriage, him not) then it’s just going to end up in one of you unhappy no matter what happens. You may need to go your seperate ways, its not fair to you to miss out on marriage and kids and its not fair to him to expect him to do what he is against doing. In a case like this, nyou can love someone but not really be able to be compatible with them in the long run…
I was at this point when I turned 25, and I was worried about all the same things. There comes a time when you have to evaluate the situation, realise it’s not going to change, and cut your losses. I had to break up with him even though it was hard because we were not on the same page, and because I did that I was about to meet my fiance who IS on the same page (and who I have such a deep love for that goes beyond anything I’d experienced before!) Its scary, but you need to ask yourself, can I deal with this forever? And you are still young enough to find someone new 🙂
Post # 14
Do you really want to be married to someone who can’t even open himself up to you enough to be honest about the future and his own insecurities?
Don’t marry someone just because you feel you’re too old to start some thing with someone else. That’s horrible! Also, if he says that he’s too young to be married, I can guarantee he thinks he’s too young for kids. So, this is a losing deal for you all around!
Post # 15
I don’t have any advice, but I just want to say that I’m sorry you have to deal with this crap 🙁 Stay strong, and keep standing up for yourself. hugs!
Post # 16
Honestly, I would move on. He sounds emotionally stunted and unable to commit. Even if you start a new relationship and lose the ability to be able to have biological children, wouldn’t you want to be married to someone who can share themselves with you and communicate a lot better then settling for someone who may give you children of your own but can’t give you a loving and comforting marriage where the two of you can share your deepest fears in an open and safe way?