Post # 1
Ever since the engagement, I have become more and more annoyed with my FMIL. The more I get to know her, the more I dislike her. I’d like to like her, but she’s been stepping on my toe over and over and insulted me on numerous occasions the past few years that I am now very sick of it.
Has anyone ever experienced this? My FMIL has been NO help at all (not that I’d want her to) but every suggestion she has had have been just plain silly, if not stupid. She doesn’t seem to understand the concept of a budget, and I am really tired of telling her no (nicely, of course). I really wish she’d be more considerate of our financial situation and not suggest that I spend hundreds of dollars on silly decors items that aren’t even necessary or start really think of us when making suggestions.
The latest she’s done that really irritated me is that she asked my FI and me if it’s ok that she asked FI’s sister’s boyfriend’s parents to our wedding. My first thoughts were “Oh, no, which part of ‘we have to cut our guest list as is’ don’t you understand?” and “why are we even inviting people who FI and I don’t even know?” Fi’s sister and the boyfriend aren’t even engaged. We’ve only seen the bf twice. The bf is only a plus one that the FSIL is bringing, and now his parents are full-blown guests we invite? I know FMIL is very hopeful that they get married, but come on, what does it got to do with our wedding that we have to fork over more money for them? Money is an issue already, so how can we not invite FI’s cousins and invite strangers to our wedding? But my FI replied to my FMIL without giving a chance for me to say anything that it would be completely fine to have the parents’ at our wedding. 🙁 And guess what she said? “Oh, good! Because they said they would come!” – She’s ALREADY invited them.
I am so annoyed with her. Even if FMIL pays for the extra plates, she’s ruining our plan. We looked for the venue based on the number of guests we want to invite. We can fit more people in, but it wouldn’t be as comfortable as if we’d only have 100 people.
I am so sick of having to deal with her. I am planning the wedding pretty much alone, and I wish I don’t have to deal with her. FI has been not much help with dealing with her, either.. Ugh.
If I could remove any guest from the list, she’d be the first to go. That sounds awful but I feel that she’s so selfish and inconsiderate. I am baffled by how my FI is her son. :X i hate feeling this way but I feel like I am being pushed left and right by her. 🙁
Post # 3
Let me be the first to say that girl – YOU ARE NOT ALONE!
I have never really “liked” my FMIL – just tolerated. Long story short we had a huge blow out this past summer b/c of the rude/racist comments she’s made towards me over the years. In addition to her crazy remarks/comments she also wanted to wear a FLOOR LENGTH WHITE GOWN to our wedding – yup..you read that right.
That said – your FI needs to better manage his mother when it comes to her expectations of YOUR wedding (and by “YOUR” I mean you and your FI). This day is supposed to be a reflection of you and your husband to be – not his MOTHERS!
*HUGS* I hope venting makes you feel better..I know it makes ME feel better..well..that and alcohol and ice cream 😉
Post # 4
OMG I FEEL THE SAME WAY!!!
I really liked FMIL until the wedding planning started. Fortunately we live across the country and don’t talk all that often, but she was kind of rude to my mother on the phone when my mom was trying to be nice to call her to tell her about the wedding plans that we are doing.
FMIL made a point in an email to me saying that her other son’s fiance is making sure that EVERYONE is happy implying that our $80,000 wedding that FI has 2/3 of the guest list of (and they aren’t paying a penny) isn’t good enough.
FI and I were going to go out of pocket to have a second reception in their hometown in a different state to incorporate all of their friends and family who weren’t invited to our wedding (we are inviting 225 to our wedding). She decided that it would be too much work and offered as a compromise for us to just invite those 150 extra people to the wedding. Why not, they aren’t paying?
Sigh. I totally, totally understand how you feel. I am hoping that things are better after the wedding, but just know that there are many of us on here who feel the same way and we are good to vent to 🙂
Post # 5
Hmm, that is really rude, clearly, on her part.
You can’t really do anything about her. Instead, you need to let your FH know how much her actions are really getting to you, and formulate a plan for how to deal with her. That includes him never saying yes to her without consulting you, and never blaming you in front of her.
My grandmother is difficult with my mother. It isn’t out of spite, she is just one of those people who can never see past her own POV. It has been a sore spot in my parents’ otherwise awesome marriage. The best thing you can do is have a supportive spouse who is behind you. The annoyances will come, but facing them together will really help.
Post # 6
🙁 That sounds pretty terrible. The bigest problem is that you FI hasn’t been much help.
For example in the situation above it sounds like it isn’t “your the couples” desire to have fewer guests and being uncomfortable inviting people you don’t know, it sounds like your FI doesn’t mind at all but you do.
So the problem there is 1. clarity – it’s important to differentiate between what is important to the two of you as a couple and what is important to each of you individually and 2. consideration – your FI should have known how you feel on these issues and shouldn’t have responded without talking to you.
Your FMIL… can’t change her, can only minimize time together.
Post # 7
@MrsBtobe – OMFG -a white floor length dress?! OH my. I think we really need a greatest hits of FMIL stories.
Post # 8
One of the most eye-opening lessons we took away from our marriage prep course, which focused on maintenance skills to keep our relationship strong while it’s still early on in order to prevent problems from forming later on, was that both husband and wife have to learn the difficult tactic of prioritizing each other over their respective parents. There are going to be conflicts between you and your in-laws, and between him and your parents, and that transfer of loyalty absolutely has to occur. Hopefully you can have a talk with your FI and help him understand that he needs to help this relationship right now by standing up to his mother when she does things that upset you.
Post # 9
Mrs.Louboutin – Agreed! There needs to be a “FMIL Greatest Hits” book!
I should also add that after the “blow out” w/my FIL’s that I learned a great lesson:
People don’t change. The only thing that can change is how you react to them.
Post # 10
MrsBtoBe – I totally agree. Fortunately, FMIL and FI’s family live on the other side of the country. I know that sounds terrible, but I’m just glad I don’t have to see them on a regular basis and I’m really hoping this changes after the wedding.
It’s weird how things went from great to a total headache in the midst of wedding planning.
Post # 11
I’ve been stalking WB for quite a while, and I registered especially to respond to your post. Not to hijack your post, but I just wanted to share my FMIL issues, which seem very similar to yours. I liked my FMIL ok before the wedding planning started – she is a pretty immature and selfish person, but I tolerated her for my fiance’s sake. For a variety of reasons, my finance and I have had a long engagement and we have just recently finally decided to start planning. We had in our heads a wonderful family vacation wedding in Hawaii with ONLY immediately family: his parents and brother, and my parents and my brother. Fiance’s brother has been seeing a new girl for the past two months, and we have met her twice. We don’t even know her last name! However, regardless of the fact that we decided that we wanted to be surrounded by the people who have been with us since our births (or, in our brothers, cases, their births), FMIL is insisting that we invite FBIL’s girlfriend along for the ride. When we explained all of the reasons why it would be inappropriate to invite a stranger to our extremely intimate family wedding, FMIL threatened a rift between fiance and FBIL, and between herself and us. She even went as far as to threaten us that she would not come. I felt horrible for fiance’s sake that his mother was threatening to not attend her oldest son’s wedding, only because she – as always – wanted to give her youngest son everything he wants (which is a whoooooooole other issue), even to the point of bringing some girl we don’t even know. Fiance and I came to the conclusion, after many tears and discussions, that you can’t change a person or a relationship… you can only minimize contact. So that is what we have resolved to do. We don’t need such a toxic person in our lives. I’m so sorry you are going through something similar.
Post # 12
@MrsBtobe: Yikes! Full length white gown? What was your FMIL thinking? How did you even handle that one? My FMIL also made some racial comments, too, that insulted me. She didn’t mean to insult me, I think, but it’s her narrow-mindedness and ignorance that drive me nuts.
@Mrs.Louboutin: I wish my FMIL lives far far away, but they live literally 5 minutes away. 🙁 I secretly want to move away sometime soon, but I don’t think my FI has any plans of leaving here. 🙁
@monitajb: Yes, I agree with you that I need to somehow talk to my FI about his mother once and for all. Currently, everytime we go over to their place (which is pretty often), FMIL would have something new to piss me off. I would come home and tell FI about it and he’d try to make me feel better. I am just very very sick of having to complain to him about his own mother. I am sure he doesn’t like hearing about it. So, I have been hush hush about this latest incident with him, not wanting to seem like a difficult FI. FI likes the fact that his parents like me (maybe they do b/c I’ve been a push over so far. lol)
@Littlebirds: That sounds very wise I am not sure how to approach it as FI thinks FMIL is wonderful and if she says anything offensive, I should just ignore her (that’s how he deals with her). I am not as good at ignoring people as he is, so I get affected for a long time. Like right now, it’s been days since FMIL’s comments and I am still extremely furious and annoyed with her. :/
@lucytoo: I am so sorry that you are going through frustrating FMIL situation, too. This is actually an account I created just for venting purposes (I am paranoid that somehow they’ll find my posts here lol) I, too, tolerate FMIL for FI’s sake, and it sucks because they live so close. I am just worried that FI would someday not be on my side anymore as he has a very pleasant relationship with his family.
Thank you all for the responses. It’s good to know I am not alone. 🙂
Post # 13
Missabee-I’m sorry you are dealing with this!
At this point, my advice to you would be to tell your FMIL, kindly, that unfortunately, the wedding guest list is pretty much set in stone. And then perhaps approach the girlfriend and let her know that you’re sorry, but you weren’t aware that FMIL invited her parents but at this point the guest list is set and you hope she understands. She probably will understand if she has any of the same feelings about your FMIL that you do!
Since you’ll no doubt be designing/ordering the invitations yourself and providing the printer the addresses (or writing them yourself) etc. and you’re paying for the wedding with your own money you pretty much have free reign over the guest list. No invitation to the gf’s parents mean they won’t be coming, right? End of story!
And about her suggestions for other frivolous ideas, I would suggest thanking her for her suggestions and taking it all with a grain of salt. If you’re paying for everything yourself just buy/don’t buy what you want! If she decides to buy things for you to use, just think of it as that ugly sweater you get from Granny every year. You wear it to make her happy, and in the end, no one will remember what it looks like.
Good luck and keep smiling, even if you’re screaming on the inside!
Post # 14
Missabee – My FMIL is unfortunately, kind of bigoted and ignorant also, which drives me crazy! My FI and I are an interracial couple, and the FMIL make racist comments and observations about other people that make me very uncomfortable. She has, at least, tried to refrain from making comments about my specific ethnicity, though. Whoopee. My family lives far away, but the FILs only live about an hour’s train ride away, which means that we see them fairly often (pretty much every other weekend and all long weekend holidays). Like you, every single time I see them she behaves in a way that really pisses me off. Sometimes it’s something that directly affects me, but most of the time it’s how she treats others. The good thing is that whenever I mention something that particularly bothered me about his mother, FI would always nod and I could see that he admitted to himself her shortcomings.
I would be cautious of complaining to your FI about his mother too much, though. It’s so hard for me to shut my mouth when I see something I really dislike about a person, but please don’t forget: it’s his MOTHER you’re talking about. It seems like you have been trying to curb yourself already (I know it’s so hard!) by keeping your true opinion about the invite discussion to yourself. I agree that it is important for you and your FI to have a discussion and be on the same page, but since it seems from what you said that your FI likes his mother; if you are seen as badmouthing her without good (or good enough) reason, you will only hurt yourself and your relationship with him if you try too hard to get him to see the light. (It basically took complete estrangement over the issue about the unwelcome guest for my FI to really see his mother in the way that others see her.) Perhaps it would assist in a constructive discussion with your FI if you could write down some of the things that really and truly bother you about her or that really affect you (or your relationship with FI) negatively. See if there is a pattern. If so, you can address specific issues that bother you the most instead of trying to change her completely. For instance, if what really and truly bothers you about some of her comments is how she disrespects your decisions with your FI as a mature, adult couple, you could discuss that with FI, and you could both figure out a way to deal with that particular issue.
Remember, bottom line is this: You already know that there are and will be issues regarding the FMIL, and unfortunately, there is usually nothing you can do about it. You just have to decide whether YOU want to marry your FI despite the fact that you’ll have to deal with FMIL issues for the rest of your life. If you answer “Yes!”, smaller issues will just fall by the wayside. Good luck with everything!
P.S. I’m totally considering creating a different “venting” account, too, since I am also paranoid that they will figure out who I am. LOL
Post # 15
@Vegasbaby – I have been trying to be pleasant and tell her but she’s just so persistent and it’s wearing me down. My constant rejection to her is wearing me and I think she’s starting to feel that I reject her every suggestion. I don’t want to offend her but it’s like she can’t help herself to not be considerate of us before opening her mouth. lol I am not sure how much longer I can smile anymore.
@lucytoo – I think I’d like her better if we lived far away from each other. I liked her in the beginning before I moved to be with FI. 5 minutes away from the in-laws is just too close for me. And if we don’t see each other for more than a week, she’d call FI and tell him how they miss seeing us, and then we’d have to o visit them. FI has been local to his parents all his life, whereas I have been all over the country since I graduated from HS. I often don’t want to go see the FIL but I go for my FI’s sake – he likes the idea of his parents and I getting along well.
I certainly am very aware that that that woman is my beloved FI’s mother, but more and more I am worried about the future. I’d really like to move away, but I don’t think FI can easily leave his job (it’s a very good job). I don’t like her values and I am already worried about the children I am planning on having with my FI. I can somehow still avoid her right now, but with grandchildren in the picture, she’ll want to see them all the time, and I really don’t want her to corrupt my children. I am thinking far ahead and I am very concerned. Your bottom line is a good question. I love my FI very much and want to spend my life with him, but unless we move away, I am not sure I can handle his family. They are literally the total polar opposites of my family regarding to values and principles in life. I sometimes look at my FI and wonder if he really share the same values as I do, being raised in his family.
I hate to say this but I am starting to have 2nd thoughts about marrying him… :/ People debate about when people marry, they marry the person, not the family, and some say otherwise. I am not sure which is right, but if I am marrying into that family, I don’t think I can survive, unless, again, I see them only once a year for the holidays or something like that. i don’t want to see them every week and sometimes more often.
I wish myself luck, too, and also to all the people who are going through what I am going through right now.