VENT: Negative feelings about a good friend of mine

posted 3 years ago in The Lounge
Post # 3
Member
1750 posts
Buzzing bee

People change — or sometimes they don’t change, they just get out of sync — and they don’t need to be friends anymore. I think that’s what happened in your case. 

It may be time to move on. The two of you are, apparently, no longer compatible. 

Post # 4
Member
3016 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: July 2014 - Prague

@Rhopalocera:  +1  And it will happen again and again. One of the sad parts of getting older. Nothing much to be done about it.

Also, working with friends is definitely a challenge!!

Post # 5
Member
1287 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: May 2014

@leenh78:  

One of my best friends is a co-Administrator in the same company.  We work in different buildings, but we do the same jobs in each.  We met thru work.  Our friendship/personalities outside of work are VERY different than inside of work.  How we conduct our business affairs is very different as well.  As a professional, I may not see eye-to-eye with her ideologies, but much like my day job, I leave it at the office.  Personally, we have worked very hard, and discussed in great length that work and friendship do not cross the line we have drawn in the sand!  Who we are Monday – Friday is not who we are as friends. People know we are very close, I was in her wedding, and she will be mine, but that is where our friendship at work begins and ends!!

It has taken some bumps in the road to figure it out, but we have communicated it to one another because the friendship is really important.  

You say you feel she knows how you are feeling, but does she?  And even more so, do you have a ‘right’ to be offended by her phoniness at work in your friendship?  Especially because you were laid-off and then rehired, where it sounds she was promoted in that time frame!  Things probably have changed quite a bit, but I think you have to try to be tolerant and not take it personally.  

And then, look at it as if you two did not work together, what would you know now of the friendship, and of her?  

It sounds like there has been some distance since your wedding, and maybe lifestyle differences that cause you to not hang out (ie, they do not like to spend money…).  So I would say that if this is something you want to see improve, then invite her over for coffee or wine, and re-connect – keeping business out of it 🙂

Post # 7
Member
3016 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: July 2014 - Prague

@leenh78:  I wouldn’t even try to analyze it, honestly. It’s just age/time/life… She probably senses it as well.

Post # 9
Member
1750 posts
Buzzing bee

@leenh78: What are your expectations of her? I’m not sure what you mean by “level-jumped”.

Too high expectations could be what’s going in your case, but I think it’s more likely that the two of you aren’t compatible.

If you’re really not sure about what’s going on in the relationship, you could talk to her about it and tell her how you feel and what your worries are. If she’s not the type of person who one can  have a discussion with without much frustration, it may be best to just let the friendship go.

Post # 10
Member
1287 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: May 2014

@leenh78:  Yes, and in this situation, if you were venting about a co-worker, I would tell you that that sucks, but I would bite my tongue as to not cause problems in the workplace.  And that, most likely, ‘others’ see it too, and so that co-worker is making a fool of himself/herself.

However, in this situation, you are venting about a friend/friendship (not just a co-worker) in regards to how she is at work.  And my advice in the above paragraph stands…I would just bite my tongue.  

As far as your friendship goes, I would still leave the two seperate (personal vs. professional) and if you want maintain the friendship outside of work.  Do not project how she is in business with how she is to you in your friendship…if that makes sense?! 

Post # 11
Member
6279 posts
Bee Keeper
  • Wedding: October 2013

your wedding is over, you don’t need to be best buds anymore.  people change and it sounds like it is time to move on.

 

Post # 13
Member
502 posts
Busy bee

It sounds like she’s done nothing specifically to irritate you, and nothing that she can be blamed for. You just don’t like her anymore.

You’re under no obligation to remain friends, especially since it seems like you two were only really friends out of convenience originally. Go on and live your life, it sounds like the distance is already there to allow it to happen naturally!

Post # 15
Member
6904 posts
Busy Beekeeper

When you say it’s palpable that your friend judges you for your big purchases, are you sure it’s beause of the purchase itself and not because she thinks you are insensitive in mentioning it because she thinks that’s bragging?

You do seem a bit insensitive to her financial situation on your end.  I have friends on a much tighter budget, but will go out of my way to suggest things we can enjoy doing together that won’t cost them a lot, or anything.  As you say, your friend has loans and may also be saving responsibly and aggressively for the future.    

Her comment about being a bridesmaid was hurtful, I’ll give you that.  But unless you told her to make her speech personal to the two of you and your friendship, I don’t think anyone would think to criticize a speech that  presumably toasts you and your H, talks about love and marriage and quotes Jane Austen.  I could argue that she was trying to make it relevant to  you and your H, not all about herself. 

As for her work persona, she may feel it’s necessary to treat you professionally, and without favoritism.  Even the comment about being surprised you would pick her for a BM may be coming from a place of feeling a bit awkward now that she is your indirect manager, and worrying a bit about how that might be perceived by others in the workplace. No excuses there, though. 

The fact that you do work together and are friends means that you are in a unique spot and that you probably can’t entirely distance yourself from her right now even if you wanted to. Maybe a friendly but sincere talk is in order.  Go out for coffee or lunch sometime, ask her if there is any unease on  her part about her senior role to yours and what, if anything  you can do to be considerate of that.  Maybe that will open a dialog about the challenges of friends who also work together.

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