Post # 1
So I just posted about my Bridesmaid or Best Man dress debacle and now I must talk about the other huge bomb that was dropped on me today.
Waaay back at the beginning of planning, my FI’s mother expressed that she would like us to get married in her church. She said that it would have pretty relaxed rules and there was no reason we couldn’t have the wedding of our dreams there. I trusted her and we visited the church and it looked fine, so I told her it would be ok.
Cut to today. MY mom called the church and spoke to the pastor regarding a list of bizarre guidelines we got. Here is what she found out:
1) We can have no flowers in the sanctuary except two urns on the altar. No ornamentation of any kind anywhere else.
2) We can only play songs from a list of selected music. NOTE: THE WEDDING MARCH is not on this list, nor is anything else I’ve ever heard of. (I really want to walkdown the aisle to I Love NYE by Badly Drawn Boy- obviously not allowed)
I was already feeling unsure about things, since the ceremony must be extremely religious and the processional has to be led by a crucifer, and I just wasn’t comfortable with these things (I was raised baptist, this is a lutheran ceremony).
I am thinking that I want to move the ceremony to our reception venue. This will allow us to have a lot more flexibility with the ceremony itself and will eliminate the guests having to drive 15-20 minutes from the church to the reception. My Fiance agrees that the church is being completely ridiculous and not at all what we were led to believe. The problem is how to break this to Future Mother-In-Law and Future Father-In-Law. Has anyone ever had to do something similar? How can I do this politely? I’m not sure that I can bear to just have a ceremony that I will hate in the interest of keeping the peace…
Post # 3
I know this probably isn’t exactly what you want, but how about a compromise with your future Mother-In-Law and have the ceremony at your venue, but have their pastor officiate it? Maybe then you can still have some rocking decorations and the music of your choice, but appease the future ILs bye incorporating their pastor? Good luck!
Post # 4
I don’t have great advice, but I agree with your decision. Our ceremony was one of the most wonderful parts of the day, and we worked hard in advance to make it our own. It would be awful if you were miserable the whole time you were actually marrying your husband!
I would suggest telling them that you are moving it and let them know why – but don’t start going through each reason and arguing about it. Just be firm – but maybe find out if there are things you can incorporate into the ceremony that you are ok with that will make them happy.
Post # 5
My FI’s parents would have preferred for us to be married in the church, he is Catholic and I am Jewish. His parents have 4 children, my Fiance being the only one to be married outside of the church. We are having our ceremony at the reception venue (they have a gorgeous deck overlooking the harbor) that will be a civil ceremony officiated by his brother. Because they want him to have a Catholic wedding, we have agreed to do a small ceremony in the church sometime after our honeymoon with only our immediate families there. I dont know how religous your FI’s parents are but maybe a comprimise list this would work for them?
Post # 6
I would have your fiance talk to them (or both of you together). Simply tell them that the rules the church provided are going to prohibit the two of you from having the ceremony of your dreams. I agree that trying to get the same pastor to officiate at your venue may be a good compromise.
Post # 7
Unless the religion thing is really important to your Fiance, I don’t see why it is even an issue. Parents sometimes want things for their children, but ultimately it’s your Fiance who’s making the decision. He should be the one to talk to her, since it’s his mom. But I would talk it over with him and then have him break the news. It doesn’t sound like he’d be heartbroken over it!
Post # 8
I agree with MightySapphire and EK (or even LaurEnors)
Have your fi talk to them and discuss what compromises can be made. But I would sit with your fiance to have a chat with im about what is important to the two of you before you push him into the cave of ‘the parents’ to try to settle how both of you envisioned your wedding ceremony to entail.
It’s hard to try to appease people but to fulfill your own wants too. Hang in there. I am going to hope your fi can approach his parents to come out of it with a good outcome for both parties (even if it means compromising or going to your reception hall to hold the ceremony).
Post # 9
Dear Future Mother-In-Law,
We (its just better if you add the Fiance because they never seem to get quite as angry at their own) have spoken with so and so at church XYZ and they have given the following list of items that are restricted. Because we were unaware of their extensive regulations on these issues, we feel it would be best to have the ceremony at the reception venue because it will better be able reflect the life we are starting together. We still plan to have the religous aspect incorporated into the ceremony as it is important (even if it is only important to Future Mother-In-Law but whatever) though we are not marrying in church XYZ. We would like our wedding day to be the day we have dreamed about. We have already canceled our reservations with the church and have begun creating ceremony plans for the reception venue. We feel it is very important that we feel comfortable so that our guest will be at ease as well and are looking forward to the big day.
Your Son and DIL
This is just a sample of what I would say because it is honest, firm, and diplomatic. And if she is stuck on doing the whole religious thing by having some religious thing incorporated she cannot complain too much (hopefully). By going ahead and canceling the reservation there is nothing she can do about it except move on. And by doing it together, I mean you should be there to tell her but let your fiance do the talking. And I think this sounds less like you hate the church and more like you just have a different idea.